Toxic Custard Workshop Files The Adventures of Ron and Jeff

3: Golf

(Ron and Jeff sit down in a golf course, drop a slab beside them and start drinking.)

RON: Did I ever tell you how I once pissed on my belt?

JEFF: Nope.

RON: Well, I'd just got dressed, right... and I hadn't done my belt up.

JEFF: Uh huh...

RON: So I'm walking around the house, one end of my belt hanging loose in front... and I decide I need to relieve myself. So I go into the toilet... undo the fly... pull out the ol' whatsit, and pssssshhhhh... onto the belt.

JEFF: So that explains that time I found you scrubbing it in the kitchen.

RON: Yup.

(They sip thoughtfully for a few moments.)

RON: Jeeze I hate golf.

JEFF: Why?

RON: Luxury sport. Cruel to golf balls. Contributes to urban sprawl. I dunno.

JEFF: I should have thought that strolling around a golf course taking potshots at a small white ball with aerodynamic little holes in it was a very relaxing way to spend an afternoon. Better golf than duck shooting.

RON: I'm surprised they haven't combined the two. "Here goes Norman, currently three shots ahead.. Oh yes, he's hit a seagull! It's come down on the green, and the caddy, foaming at the mouth, has raced off to get it. And the Great White Shark strikes again!"

JEFF: Of course, the thing about golf is, it teaches you the finer points of aerodynamics. And how to grovel to the boss by letting him win.

RON: But it's a class thing. I mean, you never see homeless people on the golf course, do you?

JEFF: Well...

(Later still. The remains of the slab surround them. Ron and Jeff are asleep. Ron can be seen sucking his thumb.)

GOLFER 1: Fore!

GOLFER 2: Fore!

GOLFER 3: Fore!

LOADS MORE GOLFERS: Fore! Fore! Fore! Fore! Fore!

(Ron and Jeff wake up with a start. It starts raining golfballs. They run for cover.)

2: More Religion 4: Takeaway

TCWF - Ron & Jeff