Toxic Custard Workshop Files The Adventures of Ron and Jeff

by Daniel Bowen
The complete adventures of Ron & Jeff, slobs at large.

1: Voting, Television, Religion

RON: Bloody hell.

JEFF: What?

RON: A got a bloody council fine for not voting. But I did!

JEFF: No you didn't.

RON: I did! I went down to the town hall...

JEFF: Yeah, and when you got there, you nutted one of the candidates who was giving you a leaflet, shouted "sod democracy", and went home.

RON: Ah, but I did show up. This says "fined for non-attendance".

JEFF: I don't think when they wrote the law that they specifically had in mind people who turn up but instead of voting, put candidates in hospital.

RON: Bastards. Another fifty dollars down the tube.

JEFF: Well I told you you shouldn't have kept your money in the S-bend. I know you already lost most of it in Pyramid, and I know you consider yourself to be a plumbing connoisseur, but the S-bend isn't the place for money - especially notes.

RON: So what is it the place for then?

JEFF: Well, turds, basically.

RON: Okay. Turds in the S-bend... money... where?

JEFF: How about the bank?

RON: No way. Too many bank robberies.

JEFF: I think you'll find that robbers don't take your money personally. When your average bank raid occurs, the masked gunmen don't burst into the bank waving shotguns and shouting "hand over Ron's money or we'll blow your heads off".

RON: No, it's not going in the bank - I don't intend to take any risks with my money.

JEFF: I don't know what all the fuss is about anyway. You've only got ten dollars left.

RON: That's as may be. But I worked hard for that ten dollars. I toiled. I slaved. I

JEFF: found it in the street.

RON: Oh yeah well, yes, I found it in the street. But it wasn't just by luck you know.

JEFF: No, it was also because you were faster than the guy in the wheelchair who was coming back to get it after he realised he'd dropped it.

RON: Just remember this. Life is a survival of the fittest. And those who are stronger, faster, more agile... not in wheelchairs... Hey, how did you know that anyway?

JEFF: I was watching from across the street. Along with five little old ladies and a passing cop.

RON: Oh. What?! Oh shit, that means they'll be here any minute to haul me off to prison.

JEFF: Bummer.

(A siren is heard.)

RON: Shit shit shit! I've got to get out of here.

(Ron jumps off the sofa and leaps for the door. He opens it and bolts a few feet out, then stops.)

RON: Oh, it's only an ambulance. Some old guy collapsed across the street. All the same...

JEFF: I wouldn't trouble yourself. The cop was too busy trying to tie his shoelaces to see anything.

RON: So I'm safe! The cops won't come! Ha ha ha! And I thought it was the cops coming to get me.

(Ron points across the street, still at the doorway, laughing and shouting loudly.)

RON: Ha ha ha! The cops won't get me, the cops won't get me! Ha ha ha!

(Ron realises that everyone crowded around the ambulance is staring at him. He abruptly shuts the door, nervous again.)

JEFF: God I hate weekends. Nothing on the telly. Just sport.

(He switches channels.)

JEFF: Sport.

(He switches channels again.)

JEFF: Sport. Why is there so much bloody sport on weekends? Why don't they cater for the average man in the street who gets home from the street during the weekends and wants to watch... I dunno, daytime soapies or something.

RON: That's why God invented VCRs.

JEFF: So why the hell didn't He give us one then?

(The phone rings. Jeff answers it, very bored-sounding.)

JEFF: 'ullo.... yeah.... yeah.... yeah.... nope.... yeah...

(Jeff holds his hand over the mouthpiece as he addresses Ron.)

JEFF: Bloody Mormons have taken to phoning people up now. Probably got sick of punctures. (Back to phone). So why didn't He give us a VCR then?

(Long pause as he listens to response.)

JEFF: Nah, not interested, bye.

(Jeff hangs up abruptly.)

RON: They should go back to their own country, those Mormons.

JEFF: What?

RON: They're from Mormonia, aren't they? They should stop telling other people to go there, and go there themselves.

JEFF: Even if they were, which I don't think they are, the Mormons are not a group of travel agents. When they come round and knock on the door, which is what they do when they're not phoning people up, they're not actually extolling the virtues of an stop-over in beautiful Mormonia. They actually want to take all your money and give you over to the glory of God.

RON: Well, they're not getting my ten bucks.

2: More Religion

TCWF - Ron & Jeff