**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *******NUMBERS 356 TO 360*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN******* *****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no***** ***longer be correct. Please email info@toxiccustard.com for information.*** "Gridlocked Toxic Custard" TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #356, 28th July 1997. Written by Daniel Bowen. http://www.toxiccustard.com Sorry, no time for a fancier title --------------------------------------------------------------------- In preparation for Tuesday's transport strike in Melbourne, here's a list of 20 things to do in traffic jams... 1. Write a novel 2. Find out how many abusive phrases you can make from the letters in "TRANSPORT MINISTER ROBIN COOPER AND THE UNIONS ARE A PACK OF IDIOTS" 3. Try and go for your biggest mobile phone bill ever 4. Design a whole new web site on a laptop 5. Mimic exactly the actions of the person in the car next to you 6. As soon as you start to move faster than anyone in another lane, poke your tongue out at them. Avoid their gaze if they subsequently start to move faster than you. 7. Start a petition to the Ministry of Transport and the Transport Unions telling them what a pack of idiots they are. Get everyone in the surrounding cars to sign it 8. Count the number of pedestrians who overtake you. Offer them a lift. 9. See if you can convince the people around you to do an REM "Everybody Hurts"-style mass-desertion of your vehicles 10. Tap dance on the top of your car 11. Crank the stereo up to full and see if you can make the windows rattle 12. Stick a big number and a "CITY" sign on the front of your car and drive along the tram tracks, picking up anybody who hails you 13. See how many packets of cookies you can get through 14. Ring up The Met information line. If anybody answers, ask them why they bothered. 15. Try to hitch a ride from passing helicopters 16. See if you can get dressed in the car a la Mr Bean 17. If you get stuck outside a restaurant, go in and have a meal 18. Start a food fight with the people in the car next to you 19. Shout "Smartarse!" at passing bike riders. Don't worry, they'll probably like it. Smug gits. and finally... 20. Catch up on the sleep you lost getting up early in a futile attempt to beat the traffic - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE GROOVIEST THING IN MELBOURNE Last week's was the Three Men versus the Flying Pig. Well, the flying pig didn't do too badly, but eventually the three men outnumbered him and won the vote. Final results: Three Men - 91 votes Flying Pig - 69 votes And now for round 4... Round 4: Dog versus the Purse What: (The Dog The Public Purse unofficial title) Where: Swanston Street near Corner of Bourke and Flinders Lane, unless Elizabeth Streets he's been stolen again Details: Poor ol' Fido got stolen When I first saw this last year, and this is his giant purse, I thought it replacement. You can pat was a clam. It still him, pose for photos with looks like one from some him, just don't ask him to angles. chase a ball. He hates balls. Don't try and take this home - if the person who A close relative of his can dropped it ever finds be found in at least one you, you might be in real suburban park - who knows, trouble! there may be dozens of them all over the city! In any case, you'll have a lot of trouble trying to use any of the currency you find inside it. Remember, head for the Web page to see them in full living colour and cast your vote! http://www.toxiccustard.com - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIARY - Sat 26/7/97 - (Cowboy) boot's on the other foot Last year I wrote, just slightly incredulously, about the Outback Steakhouse that we went to in Phoenix, Arizona. It purported to be Australian culture and food, but while the food was undeniably great, there wasn't anything especially Australian about it except for the very silly names. Well, today I went to the reverse - The Lone Star Saloon & Steakhouse here in Melbourne. Maybe it's easiest if I compare both locations using the following table: Outback Steakhouse Lone Star Saloon & Steakhouse ------------------------------ ------------------------------- In the suburbs of Phoenix, AZ, In the suburbs of Melbourne, USA Vic, Australia Won't take bookings 'cos they Won't take bookings 'cos they have no trouble filling the have no trouble filling the place place Staffed by Americans who Staffed by Australians who attempt to do Australian attempt to do American accents accents when greeted by when greeted by Americans Australians Decorated with Australian Decorated with American memorabilia memorabilia Drink beer while you wait for Eat peanuts while you wait for your food your food Serves "Australian" food with Serves "American" food with very silly names very silly names Speciality is a suspicious Speciality is a suspicious looking but delicious fried looking but delicious fried onion concoction called onion concoction called "Texas "Bloomin' Onion", which no Tumbleweed", which no American Australian has ever heard of has ever heard of before before Serves Australian beers Serves American beers Bar TV with sport (baseball, Bar TV with sport (hmmm.. from memory!) horseracing, rugby and cricket?!?) We asked the waitress about any link between the two chains, and I think she said that they were started by the same people, which should come as no surprise! I wonder what the story is with the onions... did they order 40 million by mistake or something? DIARY - Sun 27/7/97 - Rugby Well Rugby arrived in Melbourne with a bang this weekend. The Bledisloe Cup - Australia versus New Zealand, played to about 90,000 people last night at the MCG. And all served by three pie sellers, which I thought was impressive. Actually it's just as well the roving sellers don't sell beer too. At least people have to be able to walk up to buy the beer, probably preventing anyone who has already drunk enough from getting more. And watching the big game last night on the telly, I must admit I felt a lump in the throat as the Wallabies ran onto the arena. They stood respectfully as the All Blacks did their terrific haka. But hey, the Australians pretended to sing along to their national anthem much better than the New Zealanders did. The Wallabies were primed. They were ready. Although there were plenty of New Zealanders in the crowd, it must have been a huge boost to our national Australian team to be playing at home. And so as play began, we all knew that our team would be as prepared as they could be to meet the challenge of the Kiwis. We knew that if New Zealand were to stand any chance of beating us, they faced an uphill battle. They beat the shit out of us. Ah well, maybe next year. One thing that appeared to be missing from the rugby circus was the normally ever-present Whitman's Blimp. Probably not a good idea for it to be flying around in the vicinity of fireworks, it might end up flying all over the place like a balloon deflating. Ah, it just clicked, Cadbury/Schweppes is a major sponsor of the rugby . But the blimp was around on Sunday, following me about as usual. It passed by this morning near the Botanical Gardens, and flew over our house early tonight. This specifically targeted advertising still isn't quite working though. Yes, I'm nibbling chocolate. But it's Cadbury. Face it folks - their ads are cooler. Loads of stuff from the diary couldn't make it into the email version of TCWF this week. Check it out at http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Sorry, we're out of space again. The Toxic Custard Guide To Australia returns next week. Honest. I promise. In the mean time, you can check out the archives at http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There's loads of stuff on the Web, so rev up your browser and head for http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, or removals, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject header "subscribe" or "remove" as appropriate. You should receive e-mail confirmation within 24 hours. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- E-mail: dbowen@toxiccustard.com ----- TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Chocolate Toxic Custard" ===+=== +==== ||| ||| +==== Number 357, 4/8/97 |||oxic |||ustard |||||orkshop |+==iles by Daniel Bowen | +==== | | || http://www.toxiccustard.com THE GROOVIEST THING IN MELBOURNE The results from last round, Dog versus Purse... This was a close one. Much closer than previous rounds. And to my lasting disappointment, the dog lost! By one vote! Now, I have to say that I did consider falsifying the results. Nobody would know. Except me. But in the end I thought I'd prove to you all what a staggeringly nice and honourable person I am, and let the votes stand as cast. And if you really liked the dog but never got around to voting, well tough! It'll teach you to go ahead and vote next time, won't it! Final results: Dog - 71 votes Purse - 72 votes And now for round 5... Round 5: Whatsername versus the Seat What: Whatsername ("Angel"?) Seat Where: Outside the National Swanston Street, near Gallery, St Kilda Road Little Lonsdale Street Details: Okay, so you'd normally This cool flowery seat expect to find artistic popped up one day on looking stuff outside a Swanston Street. I'm not gallery, but it's often sure where it came from, rather sombre, dark and but if anybody knows brooding, revealing the where to get the seeds artist's tortured soul to grow some more, let etc etc. me know! So it makes a pleasant This is a truly great change to see this place to eat your beastie. It's ... well, fish'n'chips on a cold pleasant, with lots of Sunday afternoon. bright colours. And bloody huge too! Surprisingly few people actually sit down here actually. Which is a shame - they look like they could do with a rest. Remember, head for the Web page to see what the heck I'm talking about, in full living colour, and cast to your vote! http://www.toxiccustard.com - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIARY - Sun 3/8/97 - Okay Whitmans, I give in All right Whitmans, I give in. You've been sending your blimp after me for months now, it's followed me so much that I can hardly look into the sky without seeing it proclaiming "Whitmans Chocolates" at me. Well, I've had enough. I give in. I surrender. I have bought some Whitmans. And I'm eating them now. There's documentary proof on the Web page. And yes, they're delicious. Only problem is, at the rate I eat chocolate, I'll be through the packet in no time. And they cost, gram for gram, more than twice as much as plain old Cadbury blocks. So I don't think they'll replace my Cadbury blocks. The box is very nice though. I expect I'll put it away somewhere in the vain hope that one day I might be able to keep something in it, before throwing it out in a month or two. DIARY - Mon 4/8/97 - My life as a sardine The trains have been pretty crowded in the past week or two. My understanding is that government and unions are still squabbling ("We want this!" "Well you can't have it!" "Can!" "Can't!" "Can!" "Can't!"...) and there's some bans over train repairs so a bunch get cancelled every peak hour instead of getting repaired. The guys at the stations have even got sick of announcing that the "xxx service will not run due to defective trains". So when the train does arrive we're all squashed in like a bulk pack of sardines in a normal sized tin. It's like one of those scenes from Japan, except there's no guys in white gloves to push everybody in. Of course, there's a good side... you get to bond with your fellow man. Whether you like it or not. Thankfully it's winter. Not only do trains break down more in summer, but I suspect the pong from the sardines would be too much to bear. Loads of stuff from the diary couldn't make it into the email version of TCWF this week. Check it out at http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ The infamous Bonni Hall, definitely in the USA, wrote: Every Australian I know (and I do know quite a few) is funny, or at the very least, quite pleasantly amusing. Why is this? Yes, it's true, Australians are funny. We are a naturally funny race. Because we live in a funny country, where people talk funny, have funny animals, drink funny beers, eat funny foods, and are generally a barrel of laughs all day. To research this question, I spoke to the some experts at the blatantly fictious Faculty Of Comedic Studies at Prankster University. They're currently working on an all encompassing Australian Humour Hystery (it's like a history but much, much funnier.) When asked why they thought why Australians were so funny, head of the Faculty Doctor Stan "The Man" "Bananaskin" Serious gave an extremely long, superfluous, inexplicably complex and dangerous answer to the effect that he didn't know. And neither do I. To catch up on more Australian culture, check the question and answer archive at http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The web, the browser, and you. And the URL? http://www.toxiccustard.com of course! For subscription requests, or removals, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject header "subscribe" or "remove" as appropriate. You should receive e-mail confirmation within 24 hours. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- E-mail: dbowen@toxiccustard.com ----- TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Hook turn Toxic Custard" TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES http://www.toxiccustard.com ====\ |==== /===\ August 11th 1997 ==\ |===\ >===< Written by Daniel Bowen ====/ ====/ \===/.................................................. THE GROOVIEST THING IN MELBOURNE Last week's round was the elegantly named (by me) sculpture Whatsername versus The Seat in Swanston Street. Well, people swarmed into the Web site to virtually sit on the seat, and to vote for it. Final results: Whatsername - 55 votes The Seat - 105 votes The Grooviest Thing takes a break this week while I set out with the video camera to find more groovy things for people to vote on! If you've got any suggestions for things around the CBD, send some email! You can look through the past results at http://www.toxiccustard.com/melbourne/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIARY - Tue 5/8/97 - To the snow! I forgot to mention my weekend. Saturday was just your average day, bumming around the neighbourhood, a little shopping in the city (oh, we did spot Poppy King skulking in Myer). On Sunday we set out to catch the Steamrail Snow Train. It only stopped a couple of times before reaching Moe, and we went so so fast through the towns along the way that most of the time the station names were just a blur. But by looking out for other signs we did manage to see that we travelled through Bunyip and Nar Nar Goon. Some people can lay claim to the fact that they've gone to some of the most obscure and weird places on Earth. Timbuktu... Nepal... Outer Mongolia. But how many people can honestly say they've been through a place called Nar Nar Goon? At Moe we changed onto a bus, and rolled not-so-gently up into the mountains, to an obscure little spot called Mt St Gwinear. It's not exactly well known, but for those of you who wondering where the heck it is, it's kinda near Mt Baw Baw. On Mt St Gwinear for a few hours we cavorted and danced and generally had a great time in the snow. Let me tell you a little secret - there is nothing more fun than tobogganing with a two year old. Sure, some things (such as those that you do in small groups of consenting adults in darkened rooms) may seem like more fun, but they're not. Okay, so I got a certain amount of snow up my leg. But that was a small price for being able to steer the thing. (If anybody can tell me a better method than dipping your Blunnie heel in the snow, I'd like to hear it.) It was brilliant fun. Add some packed picnic food, a mountainside sausage sizzle and a kiosk selling Mars Bar Slice, and you may well have found an approximation of what Heaven might be like. DIARY - Fri 8/8/97 - How to get fired Work is pretty quiet at the moment - in fact dead sometimes. The other day some of us were discussing strategies for dealing with the quiet spells. Like learning to sleep with your eyes open. The theory is, if you leave one hand on your mouse, and run a program on your computer that would make the screen change a lot, nobody would notice if you fell asleep with your eyes open. Things here are just too quiet for me, and having got wind of The Perfect Job(tm) being available out there in The Big Wide World Of Contracting, I've asked my boss to let me go at the end of the month. Call it time off for good behaviour. Hopefully he will, in the spirit of the cost-cutting, economising culture surrounding the outsourcing deal that saw us all moved from the phone company to an IT company. And hopefully that IT company won't want the very spiffy clock and groovy pen back that they gave us all as a welcoming present. It has been suggested to me that I should turn up to work in ripped jeans and a t-shirt that says "The boss is a wanker" on it. But I'm not sure that would improve my re-employment prospects in future. As usual, some stuff (and pictures) from the diary couldn't make it into the email version of TCWF this week. Check it out at http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ Sunita Kumari Bhatia from Delaware, USA, wrote: A friend of mine claims that one of the IQ tests in Australia is a hook turn, where you have to make a right turn from the left lane at an intersection. How exactly do you execute this turn, and are these all over Australia, or just Melbourne? The dear old hook turn, confuser of many a visiting driver(*) is to my knowledge, only found in the Melbourne CBD. It was designed so that cars turning right wouldn't wait on the tram tracks in the centre of the road, thereby allowing the trams to pass, and to continue on to somewhere where there *are* cars blocking the way so they can be delayed there instead. (*) Almost confusing to visiting drivers as the concept of a pedestrian mall, apparently. Here are the steps to making a hook turn, and at this point I would like to remind people from elsewhere on the planet that we drive on the left hand side of the road. 1. Approach intersection. Panic when you realise you have to turn right and you suddenly notice the sign says to do a hook turn. Cut across two lanes of traffic getting to the left hand lane. 2. When traffic light turns green, move forward slowly, cursing at the car in front of you which is waiting to turn left, rather than run over fifty pedestrians crossing the street. 3. When the way is clear, move forward to the middle of the left hand side of the intersection, being careful to look like you're doing something really dangerous to any pedestrians still crossing adjacent - especially tourists who don't know what's going on. Then find a good book or magazine to keep you busy until the traffic lights change again. 4. As the traffic lights change against you, wait until the cars on your left waiting for you to turn think you haven't noticed and have honked angrily, then with a screech of your tyres, deftly execute your right hand turn as they stream after you ready to hurl massed abuse. To catch up on more Australian culture, check the question and answer archive at http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hey man! You gotta check out that Toxic Custard. That is one cool Web site. http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, or removals, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject header "subscribe" or "remove" as appropriate. You should receive e-mail confirmation within 24 hours. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, that country that just won The Ashes again---------- E-mail: dbowen@toxiccustard.com ----- TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Neighbourly Toxic Custard" ===== ==== = = = ==== http://www.toxiccustard.com = = = = = === Number 359 = ==== ===== = Written by Daniel Bowen TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES 18/8/97 THE GROOVIEST THING IN MELBOURNE The Grooviest Thing is back. And this week, round 6, it's the battle of the Southbank heavyweights... Round 6: Waiter versus Thingy What: Waiter Thingy Where: Southbank, outside one of Southbank, just hanging the cafes around Details: This guy may not be very There's flags with this responsive to customer umm... thing up suggestions. He may not everywhere around take down your order with Melbourne, but this is any accuracy whatsoever. the original. He may take longer than anyone else to bring your But what is it? And what bill. kind of substances was the artist on when it But he sure knows how to was created? Does it balance coffee cups on really matter? his tray. It looks out over the Yarra, watching all the people wandering past who look back and wonder what on earth it is. Whoever and wherever you are, come see these in full living colour and vote for what YOU think is groovier! http://www.toxiccustard.com - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIARY - Tue 12/8/97 - How not to get fired Management has spoken. There is work for me to do. Which is good. Because although sitting around at work doing nothing for four months might be some people's idea of a good time, it's not mine. It's quite possible that I could die of boredom in those circumstances. Or at least go insane from it. Which I'd prefer not to do. DIARY - Wed 13/8/97 - Neighbours We've been having a few more hassles with our neighbours in the flat downstairs. It's nothing major, you understand, just a matter of a television blaring infomercials at three o'clock in the morning. And it's in the room directly below our bedroom, while I, Runner-up of the Pan-Pacific Light Sleepers Competition 1997, try to get a good night's sleep to help deal with the day ahead. So I did what any sensible person would do. I thumped on the floor, in the vain hope that whoever had the TV pumped up would hear and interpret this as "Excuse me, but would you mind turning the television down, I'm having difficulty in sleeping". Or possibly what I was actually thinking which was "Turn that bloody racket off! What kind of moron is up at three in the morning watching infomercials anyway?!?" This of course, didn't work, because either the miscreant couldn't hear it over the TV, or they had decided that it was in the best interests of the world and indeed the universe at large that they continue watching infomercials at 120dB. After trying for a few minutes to find a sleeping position that would involve either the pillow or my hands or both covering both of my ears, and failing to find any that wouldn't involve spending most of the rest of my life in a wheelchair with serious back problems, I went downstairs and rang their doorbell. Manually operated doorbells have a habit of sounding particularly cranky and urgent in the dead of night, if you ring them the right way. Which I did. After a couple of rings I could hear heavy breathing behind the door, and was certain I was being watched through the peep-hole. Who was it? Some mutant creature from the pit, with three heads and claws instead of hands and a penchant for watching infomercials? "Who is it?" a sleepy middle-aged woman's voice called out. I explained that I was Thax from the planet Thorgwarz 7, that their TV was so loud that it was stopping generations of Thorgwarzians from spawning and invading their puny world, and could she please turn the volume down. Actually, no, I explained that their TV was so loud it was keeping me awake. And though I probably sounded quite irritable, I tried to be terribly polite, because I really would prefer in this type of situation that the TV would just be turned down, rather than getting into a huge argument about it. She went and turned it down, and explained later when I ran into her on the stairs at a more civilised hour that her (adult) son sometimes can't sleep, and when that happens he turns on the TV. Erm... right. (Why infomercials and why at such an annoyingly loud volume, I don't know.) Anyway, I returned to bed, and happily fell asleep to the sound of the son's snoring, which was probably almost as loud as the TV, but much less annoying. This was a week and a half ago. It happened again on Monday night, more or less as above, including the bit about the aliens which I didn't really say. But it wasn't infomercials, it sounded more like a really bad sci-fi movie. But I'll try and be grown up about it. As long as I remain friendly towards them, I guess the woman will keep turning down the TV when I ask - and will probably try and get the son to keep it down, so she isn't the one who has to answer the door at three o'clock in the morning. I won't argue with them about it. I won't intentionally do silly things that irritate them. I won't do anything that might cause a confrontation and the assorted hassles that would go with it. So I'll just keep quiet, not make a fuss, and quietly post this story on the Web, where tens of millions of people can read all about it. It's the mature thing to do. Keep up with the latest in the diary, and look back through the archives, at http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Uh oh, line 133! You know what that means! No room for the Guide To Australia. It returns next week with a special feature: Ten Things You Need To Know When Visiting Australia... just in time for my brother-in-law's visit from America. Meanwhile, to catch up on more Australian culture, check the question and answer archive at http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It's Custard time now. http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, or removals, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject header "subscribe" or "remove" as appropriate. You should receive e-mail confirmation within 24 hours. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- E-mail: dbowen@toxiccustard.com ----- TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Slightly late, but helpful Toxic Custard" A really really packed TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES. Number 360, 25th August 1997. Written by Daniel Bowen. http://www.toxiccustard.com --------------------------------------------------------------------- THE GROOVIEST THING IN MELBOURNE Last week saw the Waiter do battle with Thingy. And knock me over with a bulldozer - Thingy won! Final results: Waiter - 66 votes Thingy - 102 votes Round 7: Waterfall Boat versus Truck What: Waterfall boat Truck Where: Southbank, between a Southbank, near the couple of buildings near pedestrian bridge City Road Details: It would be easy to miss I can only presume that this, because it's hidden this truck sculpture is away from the main bit of not just waiting for the Southbank. So what is it? RACV to turn up and give It's a waterfall! It's a it a jump start. boat! It's two things in one! Whoever and wherever you are, come see these in full living colour and vote for what YOU think is groovier! http://www.toxiccustard.com - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIARY - Mon 25/8/97 - Tax time It was a pretty crappy weekend as far as the weather goes, so we didn't get out very much. I spent some of Sunday sorting through all my tax stuff to take to the accountant tonight. (Yes, I have an accountant. Don't give me shit about it. This isn't the sleevenotes of Neil's Heavy Concept Album or something.) Why is it that when it comes to tax time, all those receipts and other bits and pieces that you thought you'd filed so carefully away during the past year, somehow go missing and you can't find all the ones you thought you had? I was sure there'd be more charity receipts and stuff. In the end I found everything, but that's not the amazing bit. The amazing bit is that it's only August and I've got it all organised - usually I'm skidding along the October deadline before I get around to it. That modem I won arrived today. It is a 33600 bps model - not a 300 bps model like in my dream/nightmare! Heaps of stuff from the diary last week couldn't make it into this email version... check it all out at http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/1997/08.html - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ presents... Ten things you need to know when visiting Australia --------------------------------------------------- 1. Getting in - Customs - plants, animals From most countries, you'll need a visa to get into Australia. We don't let just anybody in, you know! Apart from New Zealanders, that is. All that paperwork and pen-pushing will hopefully be sorted out by your travel agent or at your local friendly Australian embassy. When you travel, it's not a good idea to try and smuggle anything in. Apart from the usual stuff like firearms, narcotics and Barry Manilow records, plants and animals are also a no-no. Australian Customs are the guys who are in charge of making sure no weird and dangerous diseases or pests get into the country, to ensure that nothing gets in the way of the cane toads taking over. Act suspicious, and you'll end up on the slab with your pants around your ankles for sure! 2. Getting your mitts on cold, hard, cash Thanks to the marvels of ATMs, there's no need to queue up inside a bank to convert your currency or cash your travellers cheques. Instead you can queue up on the street for an ATM, and get cash direct from your regular old ATM card from home, if it's attached to the Cirrus or Plus networks. Amazing what the power of the microchip can do, isn't it? Ask before you leave home though, because your bank may charge you an arm, leg, or other limb, for the privilege - but hopefully it's not more than a few dollars per transaction. 3. The currency - Notes When you finally get your hands on cold hard Australian cash, the first thing you might notice is that the notes are plastic. Don't worry, someone hasn't slipped you toy money as a trick - it's all part of a scheme to make money last longer and be less susceptible to forgery. At least, that's the theory. Plastic money, along with self-adhesive stamps, are two of the things we keep getting told are a world first. It's either because we're so in front of the rest of the world with this technology - or because it's a stupid idea that nobody else wanted to do. 4. The currency - Coins The other thing you'll notice is that there's no 1 or 2 cent coins. These days, cash prices are all rounded to the nearest 5 cents. So you won't have so much fiddly small change in your pocket. Or if you do, it'll be worth more than you realise - especially when you discover the $1 and $2 coins! The exchange rate, by the way, is about US$0.75 to the A$1, or about UK 0.48 to the A$1. Canadians are lucky, it's worth about the same. Everyone else is out of luck - I'm not going to do the whole list here. There's plenty of sites out on the Web that do, though. 5. No GST - yet When you come to actually spend your money, depending on where you come from, you might find it easier to hand the dosh over. While the government are almost constantly talking about introducing it, so far Australia has no sales tax (GST, or VAT) added at the register. So the price you see on the shelf is the price you'll end up paying. Which means you can spend all the time you want examining the currency and figuring out exactly what you'll hand over to the shop assistant before you even get to the counter. 6. Tipping Generally waiters, taxi drivers etc, get paid enough above slave labour wages that they don't expect a tip. Not that they'll resist it if you *do* happen to feel generous, but they won't drop a soggy sponge on your lap or drive off with your luggage if you don't. I confess I'm not so sure about hotel doormen, porters and other blokes in big hats and bright suits. Can't say I've ever availed myself of their services. 7. Dangerous creatures - crocodiles, snakes, spiders Indoors or outdoors, there's a load of lethal fauna just waiting to get its fangs into your flesh. Some of the things to watch out for include snakes, spiders, crocodiles, and documentary film crews. If a snake or spider bites you, scream for medical help immediately. Something like "Oh Jesus Christ, I just got bitten by a snake/spider the size of a bus!!" should do the trick. If a crocodile bites you and there's enough of you left to seek medical help, then by all means, also seek medical help. Documentary film crews are generally harmless as long as you stay in focus and don't go too near the camera. And if you do need emergency help, the number to call from any phone is 000. Just think "oooh, I need help!"* 8. Sunscreen The hole in the ozone layer may be getting slightly smaller these days, but it's still there. And even if it wasn't, the sun packs enough of a punch to make picking up skin cancer easier in Australia than just about anywhere else in the world. So if you'll be in the sunshine for more than 4.5 milliseconds, especially in the summer, make sure you slop on a generous dollop of sunscreen, and even better, a shirt and hat will help too. 9. Driving on the left Unless you come from Great Britain or Japan or one of those other countries where cars drive on the left of the street, this may confuse you for a few days. You'll find yourself getting into the wrong side of the car, or if you're attempting to drive, maybe even driving on the wrong side. You might also find yourself looking the wrong way before you cross the street, and don't be too surprised if occasional outbursts like "hey, that dog's driving a car!" pass your lips*. But you'll get used to it. Just remember: Right is wrong, and left is right. 10. Electricity Electricity in Australia is 240 volts. What this means is that if you come from a country where the electricity is a wimpy 110 volts, and you try to plug something in, all sorts of fun stuff might happen. Thankfully for international jetsetters such as yourselves, most shavers, camcorders and other travel necessities are equipped with incredibly sophisticated electronics to enable them to work with different voltages. You'll still need a power point adapter to cope with the weird and arcane arrangement of pins - these are easily obtainable for about $8-9 from shops selling travellers' paraphernalia. *Thanks to my wife Lori for these bits. To catch up on more Australian culture, check the question and answer archive at http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hey man! What's happening? Get down! Uhh! Hey Bro! Check this out! http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, or removals, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject header "subscribe" or "remove" as appropriate. You should receive e-mail confirmation within 24 hours. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- E-mail: dbowen@toxiccustard.com ----- TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is Copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. For subscription and back-issue information, send email to info@toxiccustard.com