**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *******NUMBERS 326 TO 330*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN******* *****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no***** ***longer be correct. Please email info@toxiccustard.com for information.*** "Toxic Custard goes to Warrnambool" ^^^^^ ^^^^^ ^ ^ ^^^^^ http://www.toxiccustard.com | | | ^ | | Number 326 |OXIC |USTARD | | |ORKSHOP |^^ILES 30th December 1996 ^ ^^^^^ ^^^^^ ^ Written by Daniel Bowen Hope you all had a good Christmas, or whatever other celebration (if any) you happened to celebrate last week. Oh let's face it, to avoid any confusion, no matter what your race, colour or creed, I hope you had a good week last week. That is, presuming that you recognised the last seven days as a week. I think I'll start again. Hope you all had a good Christmas. We decided to romp down to Warrnambool (south-west Victoria, get your atlases out) for some relaxation, some lazing on the beach, some staying somewhere where we pay someone else to tidy up, and some getting away from things. And yes, okay, I admit it, some escaping from the family for Christmas. We caught the train down on Monday morning. After we'd piled the luggage precariously on the racks in our compartment the train set out from Spencer Street and soon we where whizzing through the western suburbs, enjoying all the wonderful scenery they have over that side of town, like oil refineries and ... umm... more oil refineries. But soon this gave way to countryside. Thankfully all the grumpiest people in the compartment got out at Geelong. But maybe they were grumpy because the on-train catering only started after Geelong. By this time Isaac (aka SuperToddler, aka DestructoBoy) was roaming the corridors on the train with dad (that's me) in tow looking for people to harass, and getting in the way of the conductor, who was continually roaming the corridor, one hand on his walkie-talkie, looking like he was doing something terribly important. Isaac did make the acquaintance of a young woman who had got on the train at Geelong. She looked up from her Cosmopolitan every so often to give him a big grin. At one point he unceremoniously grabbed her breast, and I think her grins diminished a little after that. On another walkabout the carriage, Isaac found some other kids a few compartments down, and spent most of the rest of the journey getting friendly with them. I think this relieved their mother, who like Lori and I was also faced with the problem of what to do with bored kids during a three hour train ride when they have no interest whatsoever in the passing countryside - no matter how picturesque. It was almost lunchtime by the time we hit Warrnambool. A search of the city streets trying to find the hotel ensued, with a short stop every block to check the map and make sure we weren't going in completely the wrong direction. Eventually we found the it: the MidCity (more or less in the middle of the city, strangely enough), and very nice it was too. At least, it had got the full star rating in the RACV guide, so we thought it would be okay. As it turned out, the maid wasn't very good at working out how many towels and spoons three people should have (a random number each day), and a few days later when we checked out, the manager seemed to have an inordinate amount of trouble printing our bill. But it was clean, comfortable, the breakfasts and room service dinner were delicious and courteous, so you can't really complain. Warrnambool is a pretty nice town. They appear to have rejected the whole concept of traffic lights except on the Princes Highway, and have gone the route of roundabout-mania instead. This took a bit of getting used to; I'm used to walking up to an intersection, pressing the button and waiting however many seconds some VicRoads person has decided I should wait before the little green man (a symbol of imminent alien invasion?) appears and I can cross. As a rule I don't skip lights anymore. I figure that (a) I should set a good example for Isaac, and (b) if I'm in a hurry, I'll run when I'm on the footpath, instead of dodging cars on the road, because it's probably significantly safer. Unfortunately our insurance agent doesn't seem to think that will get me a lower life insurance premium. The thing you must see if you're ever in Warrnambool is the adventure playground. Whether or not it's the biggest in the country I don't know, but I do know this: the flying fox is bloody fantastic. They have foxes for both adults and children, absolutely free, and they're probably the most fun you can have on your own in a public place without getting arrested. There's nothing quite like trusting your life to some rope, a rubber seat and an old wheel, and throwing yourself off a twenty foot wooden tower. There's also various other play equipment there, a maze, a lake, things to climb and so on, but really all of this pales into insignificance when compared to the flying fox. Next to the playground is the beach, one of the nicest beaches I've ever been to; clean, lots of sand, and no rocks in the water. Plenty of seaweed in neat piles on the sand, perhaps that should be Warrnambool's new export product. It might get very crowded after Christmas, but in the few days before, the beach was almost deserted. We leapt in with enthusiasm. Ah yes, the water was what you might call a little cool - it is, after all, the Southern Ocean - cold water direct to you from the Antarctic. Isaac was happier out of the water though; knocking down every castle I built, and cheerfully eating sand. The shops in Warrnambool hold few surprises. All the usual stuff you'd find in any larger suburban shopping area. The only notable things were that the banks have worked out a much more sensible way of queueing for bank machines than the usual footpath spaghetti "guess the fastest queue" games we play in Melbourne; there was a giant cowboy figure on top of one of the shops; none of the bakeries appeared to be open Boxing Day morning; apparently the supermarkets don't stock condoms; and McDonald's was closed on Christmas Day! Shocker. Christmas itself was good, it was a gloriously partially sunny, warmish but not too warmish almost-summer day. The exchange of presents was lengthy, and there was the usual result of wrapping paper and assorted other trinkets all over the floor (along with a large number of mustard seeds - don't ask). Christmas lunch at the Black Onion, oops Black Olive, about the only open place in town, was filled with kind of joyous mirth that can only come from people who have completed the rest of their Christmas lunch, and are therefore permitted to plough into a piece of truly great and legendary mud cake. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TCWF's Guide To Australia returns next week. Check out the archive of questions on the web site. Toxic Custard's web site is at http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, changes, removals, etc, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia --- Have a fantastiwonderfabulriffic 1997. Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au ---> Advance Training Technology Pty Ltd ------------ Play: dbowen@toxiccustard.com / TCWF: info@toxiccustard.com ----------------- I thought the whole idea of a cricket test match is that there's very little chance of anybody actually winning. So how come we lost the Boxing Day Test so easily? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Toxic Custardhead" Toxic Custard products are not tested on animals. They are tested on impoverished humans. ---- -- -- --- - ---- Toxic Custard Workshop Files ------- ------ -- ---- --- - ------ http://www.toxiccustard.com -------- ------ -- ---- - - - ---- Number 327, 5th January 1997 ------- ------ --- - - ------ by Daniel Bowen -------------------- For those of you who read last week's column and wondered what a flying fox was, you can find a picture to further confuse you at http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/1996/12.html - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - At the last election I tried to vote with my feet, but the pencil kept slipping out from between my toes. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Last Saturday night I finally got to see Eraserhead. It was SBS's cult movie of the week. Ummm... I get the distinct feeling that I may have wasted ninety minutes of my life watching this movie. At the end when the screen went white and the credits rolled, my mind reviewed the plot, and climactic events leading to the film's conclusion and I thought... "So?" So that was the movie from which David Lynch's career was launched? I really hope it was based on the direction, because in my humble opinion, the story sucked. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ Dan, from Boston, wrote: The local radio station has an ad running (that) features questions that promote "lateral thinking". For example: "In which month do Australians drink the least beer?" Answer: "February. It has the least number of days." Do you (Australians) have any plans to bring February up to par with the rest of the year? No, but we do plan to start drinking more during February. Dave Barry (no, not THE Dave Barry, just A Dave Barry) wrote: Why is League IT in NSW and Aussie Rules IT in Victoria? Good question. Rugby of the Union and League persuasions are the leading football codes in north eastern states, whereas Australian Rules is the leading code in most of the rest of the country, especially Victoria where it started. The two games are, of course, radically different. To summarise: Aussie Rules involves 36 men in skimpy shorts and shirts and not much else, running around an oval shaped field trying to kick the football through their goals, and prevent the other team from doing the same by using a combination of ingenuity, team-work and physical violence. Rugby involves 13 or 15 men in slightly less skimpy shorts and jumpers and not much else, running around a rectangular field trying to get the football touched onto the ground at their end of the field, and prevent the other team from doing the same by using a combination of physical violence, team-work and more physical violence. Aussie Rules also has bizarre things such as ball bounces, goal umpires with flags and raincoats and funny little hats, jumping on other players to catch the ball, and TV promotions featuring George Burns and Desmond Tutu (though not together - I'd like to see that!) Rugby also has bizarre things such as scrum(mage)s, conversions, that bit where a tackled player kicks the ball behind him a bit like a dog trying to bury a do-do, building little piles of sand to hold the football in place before a conversion, and TV promotions featuring Tina Turner singing "Simply The Best". Both Rugby and Australian Rules are trying to increase their share of the football market in every state. Aussie Rules probably gained the upper hand when the Sydney Swans got into the Grand Final last year, even if they did lose. (Nyah nyah...) The one or two Rugby games that have been held in Melbourne have been popular, but probably only because of all the people coming down from Sydney and Brisbane to watch it! It certainly made my tram ride home one night a lot more fun than usual when it was packed with drunken rugby fans heading to the MCG and singing raucously. "* on the tram! Doo dah! Doo dah! on the tram! Doo dah doo dah day!" *But I'm sure they knew what they were singing. To ask your question about Australia, reply to this message, or send mail to feedback@toxiccustard.com or visit the Web page, http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As revealed above, the new Bore's Diary (provisional name) contains entries for November and December 1996, with more coming soon! http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary Toxic Custard's web site is at http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, changes, removals, etc, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia -----------> Home of Aussie Rules football Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au ---> Advance Training Technology Pty Ltd ------------ Play: dbowen@toxiccustard.com / TCWF: info@toxiccustard.com ----------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Wiggly Toxic Custard" ===== ==== = = ==== http://www.toxiccustard.com | | | | | |== Number 328, 13/1/97 |oxic ====ustard =====orkshop =iles Written by Daniel Bowen The Wiggles, Australia's most popular kids' band, are currently touring, and Isaac and his Mom (she's American, so I have to spell it that way) will be going to a concert this Friday. Meanwhile we've been picking up their videos... It's a bit like any band you get to really like, and decide you have to hear and see everything they have put out. We started with the most recent ("Big Red Car"), Isaac liked it so we got the new release when it came out ("Wake Up Jeff!"). Then we started going back to find the older ones, which seem a little more primitive, like they hadn't quite mastered the genre ("Yummy Yummy"). Next we'll get their first self-titled video, which judging from the cover picture, features the now unknown fifth Wiggle member (was he fired, did he leave just before they got big, or did he die of a drugs overdose?!). Once we've run out of the official releases we'll get onto chasing concert videos that include Wiggle performances ("ABC For Kids Live In Concert") and we'll be on the look-out for bootlegs... which we'll find in $5 shops with a notice that says "The Wiggles - Unauthorised and Live! Warning: Sound quality of this unauthorised recording may be complete crap." And of course, we'll also keep a look-out for the Wiggles tribute band, The Waggles. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 8/1/96 Today walking along Toorak Road to work I came across a new kind of window display. It was a bridal shop, featuring lots of dummies wearing wedding gowns and so on... all perfectly normal, except one. One of the dummies was wearing the full kit, but didn't have any arms. Sleeveless dress, and no arms. Perhaps they're targeting the amputee bride market? Sure, amputees get married too. Must cause problems with the ring though... - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Just what is happening in the rubber duck industry? If there is one consumer product line that I think should be analysed for design quality improvement opportunities, I think it's the rubber duck. We've got four here at home. In my informal survey of these four rubber ducks, I found a number of major areas that could be improved upon that, your interest permitting, I will discuss below. First and foremost, none of them squeak. Surely anybody who has even glanced at Sesame Street knows from Ernie's antics that any rubber duck for distribution in the western world in the late twentieth century needs to squeak when squeezed. This should be a fundamental design target. The second major fault occurs in two of the surveyed ducks. While they can both float, neither of these two can stay vertical. Both of them roll almost straight over when placed in the water. I can only conclude that if the rubber duck industry is to survive into the 21st century, it needs massive restructure and reform now. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - It's amazing how much you can embarrass your partner merely by playing air guitar to Let It Be in the supermarket. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ Zafar Kazmi wrote: What is your opinion of cricket and cricket in Australia? How popular is it? How popular is cricket in Australia? Put it this way - most of the country today was sporting black armbands, mourning our loss to the West Indies yesterday and subsequent failure to make the finals of the current World Series. Many people joined in that traditional marking of an Australian loss, publicly hitting themselves over the head with their own cricket bats. It should be noted that the World Series doesn't include the whole world, nor in any year does it include every cricket playing country, but it certainly does include a wider variety of countries than the World Series Baseball in the US seems to include. Call me crazy, but shouldn't a World Series in any sport include teams from more than two countries? For those of you unfamiliar with cricket, let me summarise. Cricket involves twenty two players in two teams. During each team's innings, an entire team fields, and the other team bats two players at a time. To prevent the batsmen scoring runs, the fielders take up positions around the field with such ludicrous names as Square Leg and Silly Mid On. The batsmen wear helmets to stop their heads being knocked off by the bits of wood wrapped in leather that the bowlers send their way (after rubbing them on or about their private parts leaving a lovely stain on their trousers), and try to hit the ball to score runs whilst guarding their wicket. Cricket also involves wicket-keepers, stumps, bails, bats that require a good deal of castor oil to keep in good condition, Leg Before Wicket, googlies, byes, ducks, golden ducks and maiden overs. So now you know all about cricket. For more information on cricket, try the CricInfo pages, at http://www.cricket.org To ask your question about Australia, reply to this message, or send mail to feedback@toxiccustard.com or visit the Web page, http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An Average Australian's Diary is the newest part of the Toxic Custard Web site, which as we all know is at http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, changes, removals, etc, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia -------------------> Home of Toxic Custard Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au ---> Advance Training Technology Pty Ltd ------------ Play: dbowen@toxiccustard.com / TCWF: info@toxiccustard.com ----------------- Maybe now would be a good time to switch my allegiance to the Windies? ------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Anomalous Toxic Custard" TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES http://www.toxiccustard.com Number 329, 20th January 1997 Written by Daniel Bowen --------------------------------------------------------------------- RADIO CUSTARD is on the air! Head to http://www.toxiccustard.com to find out how you can listen to most of (well, some of) this week's issue in TrueSpeech streaming audio. Okay, okay, I admit it. I spent the whole of last Tuesday in the pub. But it was for work - I promise. All eight of us piled into a spare corner of the Devonshire in Brighton to plan, speculate, brain-storm and generally think about what our company is doing, what it needs to be doing, and all that looking forward stuff. It's amazing what weird and innovative ideas you can get when you've got a few beers down you. But actually we were quite restrained. Nobody got too sloshed and ended up wrestling with a colleague on the pavement outside. Nobody ended up in a coma underneath the table. And nobody assaulted the publican, made an extremely bad pass at the barmaid and tried to do a Cossack dance on the table in the beer garden. Ah well, maybe next time. Last Thursday I arrived at work soaking wet. Well okay, not *soaking*, but certainly, undeniably wet. "Was it raining?", I can hear the Sydneysiders snidely asking, "'cos it always rains in Melbourne". No, actually it's hardly rained a drop all week. It's the sprinklers in Fawkner Park. I walk across the park to work, and once again, whichever brilliant set of contractors Melbourne City Council is using this week have managed to achieve the amazing engineering feat of positioning the sprinklers so they, in the most thorough way possible, soak the footpath completely. And it's not any old footpath. It's the one along the western side of the park, which means the only detour is to go many metres east around the range of the sprinkler. So naturally people try calculate when the sprinkler cycle will give them a dry path through. It's like playing Mario Brothers! Actually, maybe my whole commute could be turned into a video game. It would be a dash of realism amongst all the Street Fighter/Mortal Kombat/Kill The Baddies And Rescue The Girl With Big Boobs video games. Stage 1: Try to leave the house on time. If you run into the neighbours, don't talk for too long, but long enough to stay on good terms. Minus 100 points for each second too long that you speak. Minus 1000 points for each neighbour you offend. Stage 2: Walk to the station, avoiding that unintentionally homicidal Volvo driver who never indicates when you cross the street. If you're hit, Game Over. Stage 3: If the railway crossing bells are going and your train is imminent, decide whether or not to save yourself a ten minute wait for the next one or risk crossing, knowing full well you might get hit by a train (definitely Game Over) or booked by that sneaky cop who is sometimes waiting up on the station ramp selfishly trying to discourage people from killing themselves (Minus 5000 points). Stage 4: Brainwork required... is it cheapest to buy a daily, weekly or monthly ticket, if you use it five days a week and maybe on the weekend but you're going away next week but then if you buy monthly you have to queue less often but what's the risk of losing it? Bonus 20 points per dollar per month you save. Stage 5: Plan ahead and get into the train carriage that will be adjacent to the exit at your destination. (My stations' entrance and exits are at opposite ends meaning an extra 150ish metres' walk each trip; someone once suggested to me that this was good grounds to move house!) Stage 6: Find the optimum seat on the train. Six to four seats to yourself = 10000 points (fat chance during peak hour); Three or two seats = 5000 points (ditto); One seat but sitting next to only one person = 1000 points; Seat but surrounded = 200 points; Seat but next to one or more smelly people = minus 100 points; Standing in the doorway = 100 points; Standing elsewhere but something to hang onto = 50 points; Standing but nothing to hang onto = 20 points. (Tip: if you're tall enough you can always grip the ceiling. And if you manage to balance without holding onto anything, an extra 3000 points.) Stage 7: 2000 bonus points if it's an express. Minus 2000 points if it's an express that doesn't stop at your station. Stage 8: Walk past the shops from the station, trying to resist the temptation to buy anything. Minus 20 points per dollar you spend. Stage 9: Dodge the sprinklers in the park. Minus 100 points per time you get wet. If you get brave and take a shortcut away from the paths, minus 50 points each time you step in a wet patch of grass. Stage 10: Walk into the office, ensuring you greet everybody you like (1000 points per person), but not anybody you find intimidating and aloof (minus 200 points). Today I would have loved to arrive at work soaking wet. In fact, given all of the 41.2 degrees of heat we got (more coming up tomorrow), I'd have appreciated a sprinkler system in the office (though lighting a fire probably isn't such a good idea). Quite frankly, I don't think the air-conditioning was up to the job. Some of my week couldn't fit in this week's TCWF... Check the Jan '97 diary page for more... http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/1997/01.html - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Thanks to Phil Joyce (fellow photocopier sufferer at work) for this idea: Office photocopiers are constantly breaking down, and their usability is as bad as one of those fifties computers completely controlled by switches. Wouldn't it be easier and simpler to replace the conventional copier with an army of monks? Give them a quill each, and imagine the benefits: - No silly symbols on the console to decipher; just say what you want - Does stapling, duplex copying, any paper size, without having to buy expensive add-ons - Never gets a paper jam - Partying workers can't photocopy their bum without causing extreme embarrassment to themselves - No paying repairmen large sums of money to visit only to have them say "corr blimey, what have you been using this army of monks for?! They're not designed for that! No way I can fix that under warranty, you know." - If they take a vow of silence, you'll never have to hear them. Though it might be advisable to have one who hasn't taken the vow. He can be the one who chants "copy finished" when it's all over. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA returns next week. You may wish to cruise on over to http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ to check out how the questions have now been sorted. It's more logical... well at least, it's less illogical. And keep those questions rolling in! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toxic Custard's Web site is a great place to waste time! It's all at http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, changes, removals, etc, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia --> Home of the Australian Sweltering Open Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au ---> Advance Training Technology Pty Ltd ------------ Play: dbowen@toxiccustard.com / TCWF: info@toxiccustard.com ----------------- Hmmm... solar heated tennis courts. A good idea? 50 degrees? Perhaps not.---- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Never ending Toxic Custard" === == = = === http://www.toxiccustard.com |oxic | ustard |||orkshop |=iles Number 330, 27th January 1997 -------==-------===--------=--------------------------by Daniel Bowen RADIO CUSTARD is on the air! Head to http://www.toxiccustard.com to find out how you can listen to most of this week's issue in TrueSpeech streaming audio. Let me know if you think I've got an FM voice. 24/1/97 It's going to be an interesting weekend. Because on Sunday the 26th of January, Australia Day, according to the notices in the window, the Pot Spot will finally close down. The Pot Spot is a shop down on the corner of our street. They sell plant pots and other assorted garden objects. Gnomes, dragons, frogs, that kind of thing. But last July they announced they were going out of business. A closing down sale, to get rid of all their stock and close up shop. Apparently the closing down sale was incredibly successful, because the date for closing moved from August to November, into December... and just after Christmas, a new sign appeared painted on the window proclaiming: "This is it! Closing January 6th!" When January 6th arrived, so, miraculously, had a number 1 in front of the 6. And when the 16th arrived, the 1 had changed into a 2. So now we wait with bated breath to see if the Pot Spot will indeed close on the 26th, or if it will live on into February. Stay tuned... 26/1/97 In an informal interview carried out by Toxic Custard's assistant editor this afternoon, the proprietors of the Pot Spot spoke out about their impending closing today. "So is this really the last day?" "... Maybe ..." 27/1/97 Today was the Australia Day holiday. At least, in every state except this one, where it was "Jeff doesn't want us to have a holiday, but go on, take a day off if you and your boss both feel like it" Day. So anyway, not only did I work today, but we all worked late on getting a demonstration system ready for tomorrow. Murphy never mentioned that everything that goes wrong will go wrong at the last minute. So I got home too late to see whether the Pot Spot stopped or not. STOP PRESS! I've just been informed: February 6th. More news as it happens. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - You'll know you're really a parent when you start appraising your offspring's excrement. Okay, so it's important to make sure his movements are regular and healthy, but sometimes it goes a little too far. It starts to sound like a couple of art critics... "Mmmm.... beautiful consistency, wouldn't you say?" "Absolutely. A prime example of the genre." "One could almost say the finest work of his nappy period." "Would you say cloth, or disposable?" "Oh cloth, most certainly. There's always a slightly different texture to be found..." "Ah yes, ah yes. And has the artist signed it?" "Mmm... unlikely." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ Tim Kelly of Los Angeles wrote: What language are you going pick so Australia can be bilingual? They have French in Canada, We have Epsanol here in LA? There are various locations in Australia where you'll see signs in languages other than English - primarily Japanese, as desperately struggling (not!) opal shops try to pick up trade from the tourists. You'll also quite often see Chinese, Greek, Vietnamese... in fact, you name it, it's probably up on a sign somewhere. In fact, there's a chemist in South Yarra in Melbourne that has a sign up showing "chemist" in dozens of different languages - including the American translation: "drug store". But I think if we were to pick a second language, it would have to be Strine. It's different enough to English, but most Aussies could pick it up pretty easily, and it would enhance that Crocodile Dundee cliche and keep those tourist dollars rolling in. Andy wrote: Does Australia have upside-down trees, and if not, why not? We did but they all fell over. Lorraine McElgunn of Ireland wrote: Being an avid "Home & Away" fan ever since Carly fell madly in love with Ben and all that stuff and also from watching the odd (please don't tell my friends) episode of "Neighbours", what I really want to know is if all families in Australia really consist of everybody else's children? There really does not seem to be one normal family among the whole lot of them. It probably makes the scripts more interesting. In reality, life is a good deal duller than "Neighbours" and "Home And Away" would have you believe. Well, at least, it is for me. Actually a few years ago there was a whole series based around foster parents and homeless kids. It was called "Home" and it had a very cheesy theme tune and a cast of delinquents. Anybody know the email addresses of any of Lorraine's friends? To ask your question about Australia, reply to this message, or send mail to feedback@toxiccustard.com or visit the Web page, http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New this week on Toxic Custard's Web site - more silly wallpaper images. And to help you navigate, a site map! http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, changes, removals, etc, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia --> Home of Toxic Custard ---------------- Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au ---> Advance Training Technology Pty Ltd ------------ Play: dbowen@toxiccustard.com / TCWF: info@toxiccustard.com ----------------- Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is Copyright (c) 1996, 1997 Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. For subscription and back-issue information, send email to info@toxiccustard.com