**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *******NUMBERS 316 TO 320*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN******* *****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no***** ***longer be correct. Please email info@toxiccustard.com for information.*** "Live from Melbourne, it's Toxic Custard!" --=====---====----= =--------====-------http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au = = = = = = Number 316, 7/10/96 =OXIC =USTARD = = =ORKSHOP ===ILES By Daniel Bowen ----=-----====----=====--------=------------------------------------- Firstly to business; the conclusion to last week's hate mail. A few days after TCWF315 went out I got an email which explained the message in question somewhat: -Mr. Bowen- I'm terribly sorry. I clicked the wrong address. I was intending to mail one of those annoying advertisers. After sitting in front of my computer for 15 min. waiting for all of their junk to download, I was livid. I accidently clicked on one of your e-mails and hit reply. I feel terrible about this. PLEASE keep up the hilarious Toxic Custard. I appologize (sic) to you and all of the other Toxic Custard readers. Pretty funny eh? But I know how he feels, and although I wouldn't have put my objections in such strong terms (believe me folks, they were strong) I can sympathise. Actually I file all the junk mail I receive into a mail folder called "Cranks", and maybe one day I will do something in the way of a revenge campaign. In the meantime I just write back telling them to remove me from their list. And if they've done something really stupid, like offering me a product only available in North America, or quoting a US 1-800 number, which I can't dial from this continent), then I'm sure to point out how stupid it is. I also Cc their system's root and postmaster addresses in the hope that everyone else does too and they'll get their account deleted. No, I'm not going to reveal who sent the hate mail - he probably feels embarrassed enough as it is about it. But if you'd like to read the text of the message (be prepared for some fairly strong language) close your eyes and point your Web browser to http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au/reviews/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I know this is probably going to bore all the non-parents out there to tears, but Isaac has just reached a major developmental milestone. At nearly seventeen months, perhaps it's a bit early, coming before he can speak more than a few words, but he's achieved it nonetheless. He's recited his first quote from a Monty Python sketch. There's a sequence from Summarise Proust episode (which also includes the Travel Agent and Anne Elk) where various characters get on the phone and say "Yes. Yes. Yes. yes" (and so on) and also check their shoe sizes. Isaac loves phones, he's got two toy ones, and will grab any real phone he can and start babbling into it. After we watched the above Monty Python episode last week I was playing through part of that scene with one of his toy telephones. Then I handed it to him. He pulled the receiver to his ear and said "Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Best headline I've seen in a while: "Policeman injured chasing nudes" (from ABC News Online http://www.abc.net.au/news/ a week or two ago) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The Toxic TV Guide - What's on this week? WORLD AT NOON, ABC, Monday 12:30pm (eastern)... some kind of time-shift is going on at the ABC this week. NEIGHBOURS, Ten, Monday-Friday 6:30pm... I'm sorry to have to break it to the Poms like this, but this is no more like real life than EastEnders is. HOME AND AWAY, Seven, Monday-Friday 7:00pm... Ditto. MEDIAWATCH, ABC, Monday 9:15pm... definitely the funniest show on TV, with the possible exceptions of Men Behaving Badly and Kenneth Copeland. THE BILL, ABC, Tuesday 8pm, Saturday 8:30pm... perhaps we can get the Victorian cops to watch this, so they can discover that there is an alternative to just shooting the suspect. Which streets that we've never seen in Sun Hill before will become crime scenes this week? RICHMOND 3121 OH!, Thirty-one, Tuesday 10pm... if you can stand the poor reception, this show is pretty funny. At least, it was last week. I've never seen anyone attempt to surf on the Yarra before. You can tell it's the community station. MURDER ONE, Seven, Wednesday 8:30pm... I haven't been watching this one, but it's the last two episodes, and all is revealed. It's on at a special time, so make sure you don't miss it if you're hooked - at least one of my friends is, though she took the unwise step of reading all the episode precis on the Web and spoiled the rest of the story. You'd never forgive yourself if you missed out on finding out who the murderer was, would you? QUANTUM: TRIUMPH OF THE NERDS, ABC, Thursday 8pm... no idea what this is about, but I like the title. NYPD BLUE, Ten, Thursday 9:30pm... I can't watch this, I find the camera work irritating, the way it pretends to be documentary style but obviously isn't. The camera constantly moves slightly but deliberately in every shot! And I noticed this just from watching the promos! CANDID CAMERA, Ten, Saturday 6pm... surely THIS doesn't count towards Channel Ten's local content quota?! HEARTBEAT, ABC, Saturday 7:30pm... Wouldn't you hate to be the guy who plays Claude Greengrass, and get to see yourself wiping your nose on the titles every week? DROP THE DEAD DONKEY, SBS, Saturday 8:30pm... why are most of the best shows of the week on Saturday night? No really, you've got new Simpsons, The Bill, DTDD, Club Buggery, Clive James... THE NANNY, Ten, Sunday 6:30pm... is it just me or is Fran Drescher's voice incredibly annoying? THE BUCCANEERS, ABC, Sunday 7:30pm... no no no, I'm not falling for this crap! What's the deal, has the BBC spent so much on period costumes and sets that they have to get the maximum return possible by filming every single book set in this period? This is nothing more than 19th century Mills And Boon! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Toxic Custard Web site is absolutely packed with tons and tonnes of words arranged into amusing combinations. Pictures too! All at http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au If you're deprived and only have FTP access, the Toxic Custard back issues can be found at ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard For subscription requests, changes, removals, comments, insults, abuse, suggestions, drop us a line at tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au - is copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia---> Formerly the world's most livable city Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au---> Advance Online Pty Ltd--------------------------- Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Hello? Is Toxic Custard there please?" TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES===.=== === . . ===== http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au | / | | | Number 317 - 14th October 1996 | \ | | |=== Written by Daniel Bowen | === \_/\_/ | "Hello?" "Dean." "What?" "Dean." "I think you have a wrong number." Don't you love the way people try to argue the point with you? Until it's proven otherwise they refuse to admit that they've misdialled. No way, my fingers are very co-ordinated. This guy must be wrong. Dean must be there. I don't ring wrong numbers. (indignant, as if to say "now look")... "563..." (then he finds his mistake) "Oh yeah. Sorry." "No worries." At least it's only one person. Until recently we got calls for a company we'd never heard of. And whenever we asked where people got the number they got instant amnesia. We finally tracked it down when a representative from the Yellow Pages rang and asked us about next year's listing. "Ah, whoa, stop... hold it right there..." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A few weeks ago we found ourselves heading home after dinner at a friend's place, a few hours spent stuffing ourselves with food and wine. Not too many hours though; with a small child called Isaac in tow it's not quite so easy to paint the town completely red, so we were heading back to the station by about 9:30. The seven minute train ride home was uneventful except for the three (count them, three) cops riding in our carriage, one of whom tried to make friends with Isaac. He gave back his best "deer caught in headlights" dazed, tired expression. Or perhaps it was his "who is this person, why is he wearing the funny clothes" expression. For most of the time two of the cops were standing around looking like spare lemons while a third wrote out a ticket directed at some kid who had obviously been involved in a misdemeanour before we got on. Nothing too serious, since they didn't appear to have shot him first. What he did, we don't know, though my assumption was that he was not very bright. I assume this because three uniformed cops getting into your carriage is probably enough warning most people stop whatever illegal activities they were doing and try to look innocent. It's not like they're sneaking up on you undercover, like the Met's Gestap... oops, Revenue Protection Officers. Actually even *they're* not hard to spot, they're the only ones on the train outside peak hour wearing ties. Perhaps the cops were there as part of The Met's efforts to stamp out train surfing. Train surfing goes something like this: 1. Kid or kids get on train 2. Between stations, kid or kids climb out onto roof because they think they're in one of those western movie chase scenes 3. Kid attempts to spray name on roof of moving train, and/or attempts to move to another window or door to climb back in 4. Kid either (a) over balances and hits the ground at 80Kph, (b) gets kersplatted on overpass (c) gets fried on 750 volt overhead wire or (d) gets knocked off the side by a stanchion or another train 5. Kid either is (a) seriously injured and appears on the TV news the next day telling others not to do it, but they do anyway, or (b) dies, thus increasing the city's average IQ. So, where is the problem, you might ask? Natural selection at work, isn't it? Absolutely. Just a shame it's our taxes that end up paying for them to scrape the bodies off the tracks. Perhaps an advertising campaign is needed, a bit like the highly successful "If you drink then drive you're a bloody idiot" slogans we have here in Victoria. How about something like "Train surfing is a bloody stupid thing to do. But go ahead, kill yourself, we don't care." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The Toxic TV Guide - What's on this week? KEEPING UP APPEARANCES, ABC, Monday 6:30pm and 8pm... proof that a sitcom can keep running for years with only one joke. STAR TREK, Seven, Tuesday-Wednesday 11pm-ish... if you think everything looks pretty funny now, just imagine how funny the Next Generation is going to look in twenty years. LATE SHOW WITH LETTERMAN, Nine, Tuesday-Saturday, late... yes, I know it's called the Late Show, but with everything from golf to cricket to gridiron pre-empting it, and it always coming on later (or earlier) than scheduled, it's not exactly easy to catch. THIS IS YOUR LIFE, Nine, Thursday 8:30pm... for a while I loved to tune in just to see who would be on. After five minutes you'd know, and could happily switch off. This show's problem is that most of the really big Australian stars live overseas, probably out of their budget range. TEN NEWS, Ten, Weekends 5pm... why does the weekend newsreader look studiously down into her papers at the start until just the moment the voiceover finishes? It looks really really stupid. And you can tell it's all done from Sydney, from the way they'll say something happened "in Melbourne" without giving us in Melbourne any clue whatsoever as to where in this huge sprawling city it was. THE INSPECTOR MYSTERIES, every bloody channel, probably every night of the week... What is it with this rash of Brit cop shows about inspectors? Can't anybody think of anything more imaginative? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Toxic Custard Web site is absolutely packed with thousands of words arranged into humorous combinations. Including NEW THIS WEEK, the Complete Adventures of Ron And Jeff. Follow these slobs at large as they struggle to come to terms with life, religion, charity and daytime television. Not that it's going to sway you either way, but this compilation includes some material NEVER BEFORE SEEN in Toxic Custard! All this and less at http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au For subscription requests, changes, removals, comments, insults, abuse, suggestions, drop us a line at tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au - is copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--------------> Somewhere under the rainbow Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au---> Advance Online Pty Ltd--------------------------- Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Alien Toxic Custard" ====+==== /=== | | |==== http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au | / | | | Number 318 |oxic \ustard | |orkshop |==iles 28th October 1996 | \=== \/\/ | by Daniel Bowen So now we're on "daylight savings" time for the coming summer(*), which of course is the time of year when we don't really need daylight savings, because the days are longer. What about if we stayed on summer time all year so we could get a little more light in the winter evenings? Is that such a crazy idea? Either that or maybe that can organise some huge satellite mirror systems to kind of spread the sunlight around a bit in the winter. (*) I know the vast majority of you realise that what you're reading is from Australia. But it's probably worth just gently mentioning it now, because occasionally I'll get a mail or two asking why I keep misspelling "colour" or why I'm mixed up with my seasons or some other similarly insular comment. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This weekend half of Melbourne seems to have been holding festivals of one kind or another, with varying success. The Lygon Street festa in Carlton is an annual event. The great thing about Lygon Street is its international flavour, which means you're unlikely to run into Pauline Hanson there. If the Middle East crisis is really going to be solved, it won't be in the UN, it'll be in a place like Lygon Street. For the Festa the street itself is closed off and the people pour in to sample cuisine from all over the world, to ride various terrifying amusement rides and to buy over-priced novelty balloons. Contrast this with the Malvern festival, which is a far less adventurous affair. It appears to involve nothing more than a free stagecoach ride up the main street (which isn't closed off) and a few clowns wandering around doing face painting for the kids and handing out balloons. One shop on Station Street looked particularly pathetic, the only noticeable decoration being a single withered balloon in the doorway. No wonder there seemed to be even less people around there than on a usual Saturday. We didn't make it to the Elsternwick festival on Sunday, but I fail to see how any event that included ABC weatherman Edwin Maher's pointer competition could be anything other than a triumph. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Around some school crossings you'll now see the acronym "SLLT" painted on the footpath, a reminder to Stop, Look, Listen and... umm... do something else I can't remember at the moment, before you cross the street. It's probably backed up by a primary school education campaign of some kind. Wait a moment, "SLLT"?! I'm sure it's obvious to you, as it is obvious to me that this is an easy target for graffiti. They might as well have put adverts in the papers *inviting* people to come along and add a line to the second L to make it "SLUT". Whoever made up the acronym and decided to decorate crossings with it must have been out of their minds. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Apparently in the last few weeks hundreds of people in the south eastern suburbs of Melbourne have been phoning authorities to tell them about UFOs flying overhead. The usual UFO flight path appears to be about the same as the night time flight path of an advertising blimp, which is illuminated at night. Actually for a while I thought the blimp might be following me. The day before Grand Final day I spotted it from work, then on Grand Final day it flew right over me when I was walking down to the shops. And of course I saw it during the match coverage on TV, it was flying over the MCG. Yesterday it flew by the house, and earlier today it circled the building where I work a couple of times. Maybe if I buy their product they'll leave me alone. Anyway, can you imagine how bored you'd be if you were had to deal with the dozens of UFO calls every night? "Hello, UFO hotline." "There's a UFO up there! Flying around!" "Oh really sir? Could you describe it?" "It's kind of... UFO shaped. Kind of round, but not round, kind of round but flattened... And sort of alienesque. You know Close Encounters?" "Yep." "Just like that. And it's flying around at... oh, an incredible speed. Must be at least 200 K an hour, wouldn't you say Diedre? Yeah." "Really." "Yeah. And it's glowing. Does that mean they're going to land and take over?" "I'm not sure. Can you see any markings on it?" "Yeah... I can just make out some markings... They look very alien, not at all like English of course..." "Oh really? So nothing recognisable then?" "Nope, not that I can see. Wait a minute, I'll get my glasses. Oh wait! The letters are blurring... what do you call it, morphing... I can make something out... it says... Whi... tma... nsc... ho... co... lates... Hmm. Whi tma nsc ho co lates. What can it mean?" "Hello? Hello? Omigod Diedre, the aliens have cut the line!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Toxic Custard Web site is absolutely packed with mildly amusing features, including: * the Toxic History Of The World * the Toxic Custarpedia, possibly the silliest reference work in the world * the complete adventures of Ron & Jeff All at http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au For subscription requests, changes, removals, comments, insults, abuse, suggestions, drop us a line at tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au - is copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia-------> Eight days 'til Cup Day. Any tips? Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au---> Advance Online Pty Ltd--------------------------- Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "The Toxic Custard that stops a nation (PG)" \ /\ / / /\ http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au /\ / /// /\ Number 319, 4/11/96 /oxic \ustard \/orkshop / iles written by Daniel Bowen The Film Censorship Board in association with television channels and movie producers are introducing a number of new ratings to go with the current G, PG, M, MA and R ratings and the qualifiers specifying the depictions of Violence, Sex, Coarse language, Drug use and so on. The new ratings are designed to further guide viewers in their choice of material to watch. Rating Qualifiers may include --------------- ------------------------------ OF - Suitable for - Depictions of lawn bowls viewing by old - Contains footage of Vera Lynn farts - Nostalgia HI - Suitable only - Blatantly depressing social message for the humour - Contains unbelievably pretentious dialogue impaired that may offend - Pitiful character/s; viewers may feel guilty for laughing during this film TS - Recommended for - Explicit detail of rolling stock train spotters - Railway timetable themes P - Psychopaths - Usual performance by Schwarnznegger/Stallone - Gratuitous use of blood and guts effects - Producers lacked imagination - Scenes of mass destruction from which the hero miraculously escapes unharmed SF - Only for science - Includes scenes portraying teleportation fiction buffs - Depictions of time travel - Contains portrayals of the near future which will look very silly when that time arrives NK - Recommended for - Cuddly animals nauseating kids - Cuddly animals that save all the humans - Cuddly animals that sacrifice themselves to save all the humans - Out of copyright fiction massacred by Disney - Macaulay Culkin and/or The Little Fat Kid from Hey Dad - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Tuesday is one of the most important days of the year. Yes, tomorrow is Melbourne Cup Day, so today we hurriedly prepared an office sweep. Why is it I always get the horses nobody has ever heard of? The ones that the commentator won't even mention more than once, just after the words "and bringing up the rear is..." I guess I can always put some real money on some of the horses that do stand the smallest of chances, though that doesn't usually help either. Every year I have a bit of a flutter on The Cup (doesn't everyone?). But despite spreading my meagre betting money (hey, I don't want to lose anything that counts!) around as many horses as possible, most years I don't get a cent back! Maybe the TAB should expand the betting so you can bet on the horses that will come last, or the ones that never leave the gate. Or how many lengths behind the pack the ambulance will be. Oh, is there something else on Tuesday? Oh? What election? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - My friend Brian was talking recently about his inability to cook. Perhaps it's not so much inability as an unwillingness to learn about the kitchen. He lives at home, and doesn't really even know where the kitchen is. Sure, he's heard about it, it's a place that food comes from, it's rumoured to be somewhere down the business end of the house, he knows that. But what goes on there? No idea. This could cause problems when Brian moves out and the food stops coming, but he's got a plan to get around that. He'll have a special food preparation area built onto his house. A bit like a drive- through. But in reverse. It'll be a place where take away delivery drivers can quickly drive through, deliver their pizzas and collect the money. Brian also claims to have difficulty in grasping the concept of laundry. I think this is why he really works in computers; he's hoping to help push along the technology until there is a completely reliable and subservient housework robot. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A few of weeks ago the AFL "Thump Those Sydneysiders Into The Ground" Grand Final was on, and we decided to have a few people over for the traditional viewing of the game accompanied by Roy & HG's superlative and entirely piss-taking commentary. A slight over-estimate in the amount of food and drink did, however, result in something of a surplus. In fact, on the day we found ourselves with way too many drinks, and party sausage rolls and pies. This wasn't helped by some people electing to bring yet more drinks and sausage rolls. In fact, even after everyone present had stuffed themselves full of food, we still had several million sausage rolls left. We're gradually getting through the backlog of drinks. And an eating marathon managed to dispose of the food before any mould got to it, though at one point we seriously considered calling in humanitarian organisations so our sausage roll mountain could help alleviate suffering in Africa. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Come and visit the Web site that won "Geoffrey's Geek Site Of The Week" and "Wrecked Humor Collection Funniest Site On The Net" awards. And that was just last week! Wow. And *new* TCWF Wallpaper! Just the thing for decorating your computer's desktop to harass your colleagues. http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au (Wallpaper not yet on US mirror) For subscription requests, changes, removals, comments, insults, abuse, suggestions, drop us a line at tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au - is copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne Australia-------------------------------------------- Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au---> Advance Online Pty Ltd--------------------------- Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu Please note: Australia will be closed on Tuesday for three minutes at 3:20 while the Melbourne Cup is run. Sorry for any inconvenience. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Toxic Custard - " --####---###-----#------------###---------http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au # # # # # Number 320 #oxic #ustard # # #orkshop ####iles 11th November 1996 ---#-----####----#####--------#-----------Written by Daniel Bowen---- Today we at Custard Central introduce a new, kinda interactive column that will soon be a part of the Toxic Custard Web site (visit it today folks, http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au - more useless stuff than you thought possible for one site): "" Okay, so I haven't actually thought up a snappy enough title for it yet, but it works like this: You, esteemed readers of Toxic Custard, mail me and ask me questions about Australia. I'll answer them in a factual, though extremely witty manner (or if that's not possible, then in a non-factual, moderately witty manner). And they'll be compiled onto the TCWF Web site (visit it today!!) So, if you're in Australia and would like to see a particular topic talked about, or you're elsewhere and have always wondered if Paul Hogan REALLY used to paint the Sydney Harbour Bridge, email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu (or reply to this) with your question. When you write, also choose on your level of anonymity: (a) you'd like to remain anonymous (for example, if you know you're asking a really monumentally stupid question) (b) just first names (default) or (c) full name and email address quoted, just so you can show off to your friends later, though goodness knows why you'd want to To kick this seriously flawed concept off, I made up a couple of questions for myself. Here goes nothin'. Is it true you have a holiday for a horse race? Yes, the day of the Melbourne Cup (first Tuesday in November) is a public holiday in Melbourne. Obviously when the legislators looked at making a holiday in November, they thought "what occasions do we have that we could make public holidays... hmm... the 11th, Remembrance Day? Nahhhh... The Cup! Yeah!" The Melbourne Cup is known as "the race that stops a nation", because, well, basically just about everybody drops what they're doing to watch the race and see if the useless pile of dogmeat they drew in their local sweep or backed at the TAB somehow manages to come in a position other than last. Quite frankly, I wouldn't want to be undergoing surgery at the time. Actually, all this may be just hype on the part of the Victoria Racing Club. But while the race was running last Tuesday, I looked out into our street, which is normally pretty busy, and not a single vehicle or person was out there. Not a soul. I think even the birds stopped tweeting for the three minutes so they could hear the commentator. After the race, the country starts up again, as most of the eighteen million population swear and curse for backing , instead of the winner. What on Earth is "Club Buggery"? Well, it's nothing to do with homosexuality. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) "Club Buggery" is an extremely bloody amusing TV show hosted by Roy Slaven and HG Nelson, under the guise of a variety show, but it's really more of a sports/comedy show. The politer announcers promoting the show on the ABC call it "Roy and HG." I'm told that Roy and HG are now doing beer commercials on British TV for Carlton United Breweries. It all goes further to proving my theory that the best Australian beer commercials are never seen in Australia. More questions and answers next week - start writing! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Watching my horse running fourth in The Cup last Tuesday I suddenly wondered... have we always known that putting small people on horses would help them win? Or did someone suddenly realise one day a few centuries ago? And did his competitors work it out? Maybe it was like Australia II's winged keel? "Gee, Fred's doing well with his horse racing. I can't work out how he does it." "Yeah, what could be his advantage? What's he changed in his strategy?" "Maybe if we send in a spy to look at the underside of the horse?" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Is a BMW with a "Courier" sign written on the door just a tad suspicious? Maybe I'm being cynical, but isn't it just someone trying to get away with parking where they shouldn't? Not that I've got anything against BMWs. Some of my most loaded friends drive BMWs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sick of wandering around the Web with nothing intelligent or thought provoking to see? Well, keep that feeling going by visiting the Toxic Custard Web site and you could WIN a genuine WHOLE BUNCH OF NOTHING. (Residents of SA need not visit the site, but should submit a hand- drawn facsimile.) So fritter away a few more minutes of your life today, at http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au For subscription requests, changes, removals, comments, insults, abuse, suggestions, drop us a line at tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au - is copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--------------TCWF is brought to you by ME! Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au---> Advance Training Technology Pty Ltd-------------- Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is Copyright (c) 1996, 1997 Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. For subscription and back-issue information, send email to info@toxiccustard.com