**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *******NUMBERS 266 TO 270*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN******* *****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no***** ***longer be correct. Please always use tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for enquiries*** "Safe-T-CWF" TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES Number 266 - 11th September 1995 - by Daniel Bowen <>-----------<>-----------<>-----------<>-----------<>-----------<> As I write this, the French are detonating nuclear bombs in the Pacific. And so, this week's moron of the week is Jacques Chirac, who has defied world opinion and common sense, and gone ahead with the first of the new series of French nuclear tests. Why? Well, no-one's really sure. Actually, today we saw some demonstrators outside the French consulate here in Melbourne. Yep, the full bit. The white plastic suits, the banners, the street theatre, the conga lines, the flannelette shirts, everything. Some shouting, waving banners, and generally blocking up the street outside. After about half an hour the crowd started to disperse, so I figured either the French announced a change of heart... or the people got tired. The latter, I think. This Helen Dimidenko/Darville case has got me wondering. Think football. Robert Dipierdeminico(*) - is that HIS real name?? Is the "Big Dipper" actually Bob Darville from Yorkshire? (*)Or however you spell it. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This week's TV game: Try to find someone, friend, family, acquaintance, anyone, who actually watches "Earth 2". - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This week the crew of the Enterprise face a foe more devastating than a fleet of Romulan warbirds... Picard and Riker fight a losing battle to defend their rightful time and space against their most lethal enemy yet... the US Open! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Oh dear. I'm a little uninspired again this week. Not even my usual trick of telling you about something on the desk or in the bookshelf is going to work this time. But my mother has saved the day: Today during a visit to her asylum, she gave me a hilarious leaflet full of devices for making your life safer: a catalogue from "The Safety Zone". Amongst the fake spray cans and books for hiding valuables in, was this gem. I quote: Safe-T-Man: Your personal bodyguard. Designed as a visual deterrent, Safe-T-Man is a life size simulated male that appears to be 82kg and 180cm tall, to give others the impression that you have the protection of a male guardian with you while at home or driving in your car. [...] Clothing not included; the optional button-on legs complete a total visual effect, if desired. Safe-T-Man can be stored and easily transported in the optional carry bag. I SWEAR, I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! It's sitting here in front of me! And there's a picture of this thing, which basically wouldn't even fool Helen Keller for more than ten seconds. Mind you, one of the pictures does look remarkably like John Major. Another picture shows a woman folding Safe-T-Man into a bag, with the caption "folds compactly into carry bag for discreet portability". DISCREET?! I can see the little old ladies now, running screaming from the car park! "Help, she's pushing the torso of a man into a bag!!!" I'm surprised they don't promote it as an easy way to get into the Transit lane on the freeway. If you'd like to see Safe-T-Man in the flesh, take a look at the Custard Gallery of Art Web page. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD COMPUTER GLOSSARY PART 12 LAPTOP A portable computer so useful that the batteries run out far too soon. They are designed especially to operate only for short periods of time, to prevent the user from (a) getting eye-strain from having to squint at the microscopic screen from just the *right* angle and (b) getting fingers stuck together from having to squeeze them into the small space that manufacturers like to laughably call the "keyboard". LAN Local Area Network, a network of computers, generally in a small area, a few of which will be working flawlessly. On the average LAN of personal computers, the following applies: 4% of PCs won't boot up 7% of PCs won't connect to the LAN 6% of PCs will boot up and connect to the LAN, but crash shortly afterwards 12% of PCs will have users who have forgotten their passwords 4% of PCs will have users who have decided they don't want to log into the LAN because it's more trouble than it's worth 2% of PCs will connect perfectly, and be very busily distributing viruses around the LAN because their users have foolishly circumvented the virus protection 1 PC will be in a totally weird state that has caused the LAN administrator/s to give in and call an exorcist ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TCWF is still on the Web, at these locations: http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ http://www.cuug.ab.ca:8001/~cyrec/tcwf/ http://www.catt.ncsu.edu/www_projects/tcwf/ If you prefer the charming simplicity of FTP: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia---------Down towards the bottom of the map Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu / DanielBowen@msn.com---TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu Opinions expressed here are mine. You break 'em, you buy 'em.---------------- Thanks to those people who replied to the riddle assignment during the week. To my lasting regret and embarrassment, an incident with a floppy disk and a jar of hair creme has resulted in these responses being left in the wrong place at the right time. So everyone's got another week to get their answers in. The assignment is: Please complete this joke- "A rabbi and the Cookie Monster walk into a bar..." Best answers *next* week. Promise. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Flagging Toxic Custard" This week's best spelling checker suggestions are in [square brackets] ---+++++--++++-+-----+-+++++----------------------------Number-267--- -----+---+-----+--+--+-+-----------------------18th-September-1995--- -----+---+-----+--+--+-++++----------------Written-by-Daniel-Bowen--- -----+----++++--++-++--+--------------TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES--- This issue of Toxic Custard is brought to you by the fact that I looked around to see this week's MORON OF THE WEEK, the driver of light blue Volkswagen JDW138, illegally failing to give way while I crossed the street last Wednesday. I hope my friends with police connections are reading this. I reckon she looked completely stoned out of her mind. Maybe she didn't see me amongst all the pink elephants all over the road. Trust me boys, bust her, search the place, arrest anyone in the surrounding area for being a hippy in a public place... . *Yes, it's a real song. [Spelling checker: "Volkswagen" -> "folksinger". Need I say more?] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - For all those who didn't believe, Safe-T-Man is now on the Web. Dial up the usual Toxic Custard web page (US or Greece mirrors only so far, see address below) and choose the Toxic Gallery Of Art. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Hello... hello, Earth to Ian Leslie. Come in Ian Leslie, former Sixty Minutes Reporter. Leslie, your cover's blown. After ads for Woolworths, electricity privatisation and ANZ Bank, everyone has realised you're not really a journalist anymore... come in Leslie... [Spelling checker: "ANZ" -> "NAZI"] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Why is it that flags are so boring? I mean, half of the world seems to have flags which consist of nothing more than three stripes, and they're generally limited to various combinations of white, green, red, blue and yellow. Not that we're much better down here - 97% of people can't tell the difference between the Australian and New Zealand flags without a microscope. And is it my imagination, is the book wrong, or do Indonesia and Monaco have the same flag? Two horizontal stripes, red and white. It must be very confusing in any war when Indonesia and Monaco fight each other. Imagine the poor soldier, just making it alive back into his trench, only to find a hearty welcome to POW city. Who came up with the design first? I bet whoever it was is kicking themselves now, wishing they'd thought of something more original. Other comparisons... The two Yemens have similar flags, which is to be expected I suppose... Ireland's is the same as Italy's, at least, with the poor colour reproduction in this book... and Ivory Coast is the same again, but back-to-front... likewise Guinea and Mali... and Belgium is Germany's turned 90 degrees. Nah, it must be a mistake in the book. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD COMPUTER GLOSSARY PART 13 - Order modified for effect MAINFRAME One of those computer the size of a small house, with the power to multiply two three digit numbers in less than half an hour. And to think fifty years ago people thought it was the most brilliant thing they'd ever seen. Nowadays, this term is used for any computer bigger than a washing machine. MINICOMPUTER A computer the size of only a few filing cabinets, with the power to hold all the employee information of any company large enough that at least five people every week get the wrong pay-slip. Given their large size, one would wonder who on earth it was that coined the phrase "minicomputer" after a box with more hernias than megabytes. MICROCOMPUTER Loosely, any computer smaller than the size of a filing cabinet. Over the past twenty years history of the microcomputer, their power, as well as the number of different parts they come in has increased exponentially: 70s - Commodore Pet (1 part) Early 80s - All the 8 bit computers (Computer+screen = 2 parts) Late 80s - PCs (Computer+screen+keyboard = 3 parts) 90s - Multimedia PCs (Computer+screen+keyboard+speakers+mouse=6 parts) MPC Multimedia Personal Computer, a specification for personal computers used for multimedia applications, the exact details of which nobody can ever remember. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TCWF is on the Web at these locations: http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ http://www.cuug.ab.ca:8001/~cyrec/tcwf/ http://www.catt.ncsu.edu/www_projects/tcwf/ If you prefer the raw power of FTP: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia------------------Land of kopious kangaroos Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu / DanielBowen@msn.com---TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu Opinions expressed here are mine. You break 'em, you buy 'em.---------------- Oh whoa, before I go... as promised, here's the best answers to your homework, which was to finish the riddle "A rabbi and the Cookie Monster walk into a bar..." We start with Gavin Adrian, who went for the traditional alcohol serving location/metal cylinder substitution: From: Gavin.Adrian@swindon.gpsemi.COM (Gavin Adrian Senior DB [gja]) >> "A rabbi and the Cookie Monster walk into a bar..." > >"Ouch" It was an iron bar. Whereas Krishna Kunchithapadam preferred a paradigm combining religion with a random play on words: From: krisna@cs.wisc.edu (Krishna Kunchithapadam) >> "A rabbi and the Cookie Monster walk into a bar..." > >"...mitzvah, but the Cookie Monster isn't kosher and gets turned >away. The rabbi says `I am a frayed knot'". Doug Tooley took a gamble, and lost more than a busload of pensioners from the country visiting the casino for the first time: From: Doug Tooley >> "A rabbi and the Cookie Monster walk into a bar..." > >The Cookie Monster says, "I *LIKE* Carlesberg!!" and eats the Rabbi. >No, wait-- That's the Beer Monster. Nevermind. Paul Herron came up with three. The first was comparable on a pun quotient basis to the barmitzvah gag above. The second provided an enhanced insight into the essential being of the Cookie Monster: From: "Herron, Paul" >"A rabbi and the Cookie Monster walk into a bar... "What'll it be?" >asked the bartender. "I'll have a glass of water" said the rabbi. The >bartender gave the rabbi a glass of water and looked at the Cookie Monster. >"COOOKKIIIEEEE" yelled the Cookie Monster. The bartender shrugged and gave >him a choc-chip cookie which quickly disappeared into the Cookie Monster's >gaping maw. A few minutes later the Cookie Monster looked at the bartender >again and screamed "COOOOOKKKIIIIIEEEEE". "Okay, but this is your last one" >said the barman, handing across another choc-chip cookie. This vanished just >as quickly, the rabbi watching with interest. >"COOOOOOOOOOKKKKKIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE" it roared. "Sorry guv'" said the >barkeep, "but I think you've had enough". The Cookie Monster looked at the >rabbi, glared at the bartender, then turned around and stomped out of the >bar, muttering under his breath. The rabbi turned to the bartender and asked >"Why didn't you give him another cookie?". "Well," said the barman, "I >wouldn't want to spoil his appetite for dinner....." And the third, which takes the whole concept of the religious joke to its very limits and turns it inside-out and upside-down in the process. I'm pretty confident in saying that the Vatican will be rocked tonight: >"A rabbi and the Cookie Monster walked into a bar... and sat down next >to Big Bird and a Catholic priest. The Cookie Monster exchanged pleasantries >with them, looked around and waved across the room to Ernie, who was >drinking with a Hari Krishna ,and Bert, who was deep in discussion with a >Devil Worshipper. One guy sitting at the bar observed all of this and turned >to his mate saying "Gee, those Sesame Street guys really like their >spirits..." Everyone of these people wins a special prize. I'm not really sure what it is yet - probably something in the order of a self-serve glass of water, or an extra copy of this issue of Toxic Custard; something like that. I'm sure you can work it out. Something with a value in the order of nothing whatsoever. 'Night. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Real life Toxic Custard" So let me get this straight. Is this what happened? Have I got this right? 1. Russian military fails to pay power bill 2. Power plant sends three red notices, then cuts off power 3. The power in question is used to cool nuclear submarines 4. Submarine commander realises if power isn't turned back on, subs will go into a condition generally known as "meltdown" 5. Submarine commander thinks about it for a little while, and decides quite sensibly that he would prefer it if the nuclear subs *didn't* go into meltdown. Sends armed soldiers to power plant to get power turned back on. And to think these guys used to be a superpower. =*****=-***-*-=-*-****=-****=****-****=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -=-*-=-*-=-=*=-=*=*=-=-=-=-*-*-=-=*=-*-=toxic=custard=workshop-files- =-=*=-=*=-=-*-*-*-***-=-****=****-****=-number=268=25th-september-95= -=-*-=-*-=-=*=*=*=*=-=-=*=-=-*-=*=*=-*-=written=by-daniel=bowen=-=-=- =-=*=-=-***-=*=*=-*-=-=-****=****-****=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Aussies, have you noticed how that tampon ad has changed? The music in the jingle is the same, but there's no words now. It has to be said that the words it had weren't the best. Their choice was not an inspired decision. You know the ad I'm talking about. The one that had the voices in the background, singing "lie, lie lie lie, lie lie lie, lie lie lie, lie-lie lie lie..." It's obviously just clicked with them. They've obviously been discussing it. They've been saying, "Folks, we have to ask ourselves, 'Why isn't this product selling as well as it could be?'" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I'm not sure Los Angeles would be the town for me. You obviously need to be VERY careful with your navigation. Heck, I WALK around my neighbourhood at night sometimes. If I had to think so carefully about which street to go down that my life depended on it, I think I'd seriously consider moving. Do the street directories there show the streets to avoid? A big skull and crossbones on the less desirable ones? Maybe the council should officially name the streets by their nicknames. THEN you wouldn't get people turning into Assassin's Alley by mistake. Maybe segregation is the answer. The gang members just seem to want gunfights all day and night. Nobody else does. Okay, so give them their own city, where only other gang members live. Vegans - put them in a city where there are no Saturday afternoon sausage sizzles in the Safeway carpark. Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons - they can go in a city of convertible heathens. That'll keep them happy. Healthy competition will be in the public interest. Just like phone companies. Ring 1800-MORMON, and switch to us! And if you ring in the next ten minutes we'll give you an EXTRA wife! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I went to the Billy Connolly concert last night, and I'm going to copy all his jokes. No, wait. He's reminded me a funny story that is absolutely true. I'll do a quick grep to make sure I haven't told you this before. Because I don't like to be repetitive if I can help it. Do I? No, I don't. Don't what? Don't like to be repetitive. No, I don't. Okay, here goes. When I worked around the corner from McDonalds in Swanston Street, I used to sometimes go for an early morning McMuffin. Not the most nutritious of foods in the universe, it's true. But delicious nonetheless. At least, as long as you didn't study the bacon too closely. There was one woman who served there who was like a robot. Middle aged, which is unusual for such a promising career-oriented work environment. She was out to prove to the world (and her manager) that she could serve burgers and fries and nuggets and shakes and more fries and sundaes faster than the human eye could see. She was efficient. She was fast. And she was devastatingly accurate. She knew the product range. (Who doesn't?) And she knew the specials. Every one of them. Every week's special promotion. Now, I don't drink coffee. Call me a scumsucking bag of pus if you like, but it's just not my thing. Fruit juice, hot chocolate, cold chocolate, milk, water, all good stuff. But not coffee. No, if I want a caffeine hit, it's Coke every time. When the guys at work go down the street for coffee, I go, but I have hot chocolate. No coffee for me, thanks. This week's special at McDonalds was free coffee with any McMuffin. The woman would not take no for an answer. "One bacon and egg McMuffin please." "Certainly sir. Would you like a free coffee with that?" "No thanks." "It's free..." "No thanks, I don't drink coffee." "Oh, you don't drink coffee?" "No." "Ah, okay." So she goes off to break the world record for sprinting across the gulf that lies between the counter and the big metal food tray things. And to get my McMuffin. And she obviously doesn't believe what she's heard. This guy doesn't want the free coffee. Some kind of weirdo? Some kind of pervert? Should she call the manager? Should she call the police? The whole situation is processed by her 100MIPS brain. And somehow, she blocks it out. She blocks out that I don't want the coffee. Everybody wants FREE coffee. Nobody would refuse a FREE coffee. Grab the McMuffin, grab the coffee, back to the counter. "Ahh... I don't want the coffee." "But it's free." "I don't want the coffee. I don't drink coffee. I never drink coffee. I hate coffee. I don't want the smegging coffee, lady. Take the coffee away, I don't want it. Don't make me take the coffee. Throw it away. Don't give me the coffee. Fuck off with the coffee, okay?"(*) (*) Actually, all I said was the first two sentences, then escaped before she could argue with me. For the rest of my life, I will avoid her like the plague. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD COMPUTER GLOSSARY PART 14 NINETY COLUMN CARD The entry in your computer glossary which proves the whole thing is ludicrously out of date. I just realised the book I found this in, although it was last revised in 1985 (which DOES make it ludicrously out of date), was originally published in 1970 (which makes it absolutely phenomenally out of date). Trust me on this, anything that doesn't have DOS or GUI in it has to be a bit suspect. NUMERIC KEYBOARD That section of the keyboard which is never touched or looked at by about 90% of people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TCWF! Web! Worldwide! Here! http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ http://www.cuug.ab.ca:8001/~cyrec/tcwf/ http://www.catt.ncsu.edu/www_projects/tcwf/ TCWF! FTP! Here! ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia---------I've never been to the Never Never Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu / DanielBowen@msn.com---TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu The opinions expressed here are mine and mine and mine and mine alone.------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Power Custard" ----### #######------------------------------ ###### ##### ### ### ### Toxic Custard Workshop Files ### ### ### ### ###### Number 269, 2nd October ### ### ### ### ### ### Written by Daniel Bowen -----######-#####--#### ###--###------------------------------------- Now I think I know what Jonathon Ross was on about when he talked about his baby daughter producing "the Exxon Valdez of poo". Yesterday we got to experience this for ourselves. My son Isaac had been saving his up. Saving it for a day and a half, in fact. There was tons of it up there. And there was a rumbling. Then the sound of a truly massive poo ripped through the air. We waited for it to stop, then got a look at the inside of the nappy, and oh, was it impressive. And then, more came. You know those TV pictures of volcanoes... showing the lava flowing down the mountain side... that's what this looked like. Such power. Such awesome volume. You haven't lived until you've experienced this for yourself. This is Power Poop. (If poo is known as poop, should pee be known as peep?) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - We've all done embarrassing things when we were younger. Heck, my sister used to really like Bon Jovi and Poison, though she'd probably deny it now. "I have no recollection of that", she'd say. When I was a kid, I used to hang around the back of our block of flats. It's true that there was a nice garden in the front, but one of the neighbours used to bribe us to go into the back, with stale chocolate wafer biscuits. Don't ask me why. Anyway, we were happier in the back. You could have a game of cricket, using a set of stumps painted on the wall. I seem to remember we also had a climbing club at one point, the main activity of which was scaling the impenetrable heights of the fire escape. I also recall trying to catch dandelions and wishing for a massive Lego train set when I caught one. Anyway, invariably the Greek kids from flat 4 would be around. And at the time, Grease had just been released. They raved about it - it was their favourite film. And I, not having seen it, and not being a big reader of the film reviews in the newspaper, presumed it was spelt "Greece", and was about Greece and Greek people. Hey, I was only 8 or something, okay? Gimme a break. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - So, France has detonated second nuclear bomb. Six point something on the Richter scale. That poor bastard Richter. Imagine inventing something that meant for the rest of time your name would always be associated with bad news. A week or two back it was found that New Zealand couldn't challenge France over the nuclear tests, because France (get this), doesn't recognise the International Court of Justice. I'll have to remember that one next time I'm fined for jaywalking. "I'm sorry your honour, but I don't recognise this court." "Oh well, Mr Bowen. That's fair enough. You're free to go." Meanwhile, in local politics, the opposition Liberal party came up with a neat idea. A debt truck. This truck would have the national debt painted on the side, and would be driven around the place to draw attention to it, and generally promote voting against the government as an ideal solution. Cool. Just two problems. The first one was fair enough, it could happen to anyone, nobody could anticipate it: The truck broke down, and had to be towed away. The second one, it has to be said, should have been foreseen. This is something that should have leapt out at the organisers and said "Hello, I'm a problem. I'm a problem you can avoid now. I'm embarrassing, I'm even humiliating, but you should be able to see me here and now, and you can do something about me." The truck was to highlight the national debt, right? Okay. The problem? The truck was >>IMPORTED<<. It has to be asked, am I going to entrust my vote, this one that I've got right here, into the hands of people who could possibly be so STUPID? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD COMPUTER GLOSSARY PART 15 OCR - OPTICAL CHARACTER RECOGNITION A technology that can take written words and convert them back into computer-readable form, provided they're in the right font, at the right point size and pitch, dark enough on the paper, and you're prepared to spend several centuries correcting all the 1's that came out as l's and the O's that came out as 0's. OBSOLETE A feature built into all technology. It activates itself shortly after you open the box. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toxic Custard back-issues are on that ever- growing, ever-morphing entity known as the World Wide Web at the following locations: http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ http://www.cuug.ab.ca:8001/~cyrec/tcwf/ http://www.catt.ncsu.edu/www_projects/tcwf/ And at this FTP address: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia------Where the Blues reign supreme, dammit Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu / DanielBowen@msn.com---TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu The opinions expressed above are the product of a deranged imagination. Mine. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Priority Toxic Custard!" T o x i c#####C u s t a r d####W o r k s h o p# #F i l e s####2 7 0 - - - - - -#- - - - - - - -# - - - - - - - - -# # #- - - - -# - - - - # # # # # ### 9th#October 1995 #### Written by#####Daniel #Bowen This week's MORON OF THE WEEK, the driver of white Holden Astra DQE057, was spotted last Friday in Elsternwick showing her unique interpretation of a red traffic signal. It was a controversial and unconventional interpretation, which involved stopping dead in the middle of the Orrong/Glen Huntly Road intersections for a full traffic signal cycle, during which dozens of other cars somehow managed to manoeuvre around her. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The Toxic Custard guide to TV promo jargon WHAT THEY SAY WHAT THEY MEAN ---------------------- ---------------------------------------- Hilarious!(1) All the jokes are in this promo Brought to you by Padded with ads by Proudly brought to you by Padded with expensive ads by All star All the money was spent on the cast. Bit parts not played by stars as such Live(3) We recorded it last week in front of an audience, but couldn't be bothered editing out the boring bits Live and exclusive We spent a lot of money on the rights Exclusive Nobody else wanted to buy it World premiere(3) Nobody in the WORLD wanted to buy it Premiere(3) It's already been shown at the cinema, on video, and cable (three times) Explosive Violent All action Gratuitously violent Spine-tingling(2) Surprisingly violent Thriller(2) Mysteriously violent Will grip you right Violent right until the final credits to the very end(2) Before s/he was X Terrible movie made before star was big Encore presentation Repeat Classic Old repeat Classic favourite Being shown for the tenth time By popular demand The ratings on the last one were great With extra special guest He/she appears in one cameo scene Logie award winning(3) It was voted winner by the readers of TV Week (need I say more?) Nominated for award X It lost Internationally acclaimed The pommy TV critics liked it (Any quote of overseas Got it cheap because we convinced them ratings) that our audiences wouldn't like it For the first time on All the other stations have already channel X shown it Only on channel X Just reminding you what channel it's on A very special story Sob story Heartbreaking Sob story Heartwarming Sob story with happy ending Every Australian should Oh please watch, our ratings are so low see it this week(*) No parent should miss it It's got kids in it Too hot to be shown in We couldn't afford the legal fees state X(2) to challenge the X courts Provocative(2) Shit-stirring Controversial(2) Shit-stirring Thought provoking(2) Scary and shit-stirring Outrageous comedy(1) It's got tits in it Steamy(2) It's got shower scenes Raunchy(2) It's got sex scenes Erotic(2) It's got even more sex scenes Uncut Somehow it got past the censor At the special time Sport pre-empted it At the special adult time We're not allowed to show it earlier Special presentation It pre-empted something else Movie-length presentation We stuck all the episodes together (*)A special mention goes to the ABC for their recent promotion of docu-drama "Blue Murder", which, because it was rated MA, meant that "every Australian" *couldn't* legally see it. (1)Said with hint of laugh (2)Said in deep slow voice (3)Said in booming cheerful voice - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - It is becoming apparent to me that pubs are designed to be particularly inducing to the consumption of alcohol. This is why they always have darts and pool on offer in pubs. Darts and pool are unique in the world of sporting and recreation. These two games are the only ones, where your skill can actually *improve* as you get more intoxicated. No, really. At one of those funny business retreat/conference things the other week, it was observed that at least two subjects who got drunk could (a) throw darts straight onto the dartboard from *outside* the room, with inexplicable accuracy (b) with minimum preparation, use the pool cue to hit the white very fast in a random direction, somehow potting two balls at once - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD COMPUTER GLOSSARY PART 16 PENTIUM Source of complete confusion to most of the non-computer literate people in the world, who don't really understand why they have to advertise this thing on the telly, but the pictures of dolphins and computer parts dancing look nice. PRINTER A device which in most offices has a curious talent of chopping down far more trees that you would have thought possible, all without leaving its desk. PRIORITISER The person in the office who always, and I mean *always* sets the priority to "High" on every single piece of electronic mail they send. This person is generally one of the friendliest in the office, which means everybody's too embarrassed to ask them why. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Help me increase my hit count by accessing the Toxic Custard Web page. It's got just about all the TCWF back-issues, along with the hyperlinked Toxic Custarpedia and History of the World: http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ http://www.cuug.ab.ca:8001/~cyrec/tcwf/ http://www.catt.ncsu.edu/www_projects/tcwf/ Back-issues are available by FTP at: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--Just one person in a nation of 18 million Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu / DanielBowen@msn.com---TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu The opinions expressed above are mine, mine and all mine--------------------- I swear, it's true. The spellchecker tried to change "Pentium" to "Penis" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed unmodified and without a charge provided this notice remains intact. For subscription and back-issue information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu