**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *******NUMBERS 256 TO 260*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN******* *****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no***** ***longer be correct. Please always use tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for enquiries*** "Second-hand Toxic Custard" INTERNET EXPLAINED "The Internet is a global network of porn merchants who at the press of a button will bring X-rated pornographic material into your living-room while your grandmother is visiting. To run it, you need a 50,000 Mhz Cray Y-MP with 512 terrabytes of RAM, an ISDN link capable of supporting 40,000,000 bps, and a CGA (or higher) monitor. "And make sure you get connected, because by the end of next week you won't be able to buy groceries in the conventional way at the supermarket. You'll have to order them through the Internet. Long live the Information Supermarket." <========= == = === = == == = =============> <========= === ==== = = = ======== = ==== ========> <======= === ==== = = = === ===== = === =====> <===== ==== == = == ===== = === ====> toxic custard workshop files 256 3/7/95 Thank you to all of you who wrote back regarding the ideas shortage crisis last week. All of the ideas have been thrown into the big vat that makes up Toxic Custard every week - my brain. To all who participated, with tax time coming up, remember, your ideas *are* tax deductible. Actually, you can always tell when I'm REALLY out of ideas, because you'll start to see stuff about what's on the desk, books in the bookshelf, and other things in the room where Toxic Custard is written. Look through the back-issues and you'll be able to spot them. But for now I'd better waste the next ten lines with this, a Custard Blooper. Last week I said: > During research for the French nuclear test thing last week I looked > in the atlas for Mururoa Atoll, where the tests will take place. > Maybe the atlas writers knew the French were going to blow it off the > face of the planet? Alas, I omitted the bit that explained the joke: that I couldn't find Mururoa in the atlas. Ho ho ho, ha ha ha, etc. Not terribly significant, I'll agree. But I thought I'd better explain it. A joke not told properly can be more irritating than Jeannie Moos' voice. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --I thought of this one myself-- Second-hand bookshops are great. A great place to potter around if you have a spare half hour, to pick up something to sit in your bookshelf for five years before you throw it out. But just who is it that runs second-hand bookshops? Are they great entrepreneurs? Do they wake up one morning and think "Ah! That's it! That's how I'll make my first million! Second-hand books!" Second-hand bookshops don't radiate with cash. They don't really radiate anything, actually. They seem to suck light into them. You will never see a second-hand bookshop lit even remotely like a 7-11 or a supermarket. Some of them require a ball of string to prevent yourself getting lost between the bookshelves. There is only one place in a second- hand bookshop where the entrance is visible. And that's just next to the entrance. You can wander for hours and see hardly a soul. Every once in a while you'll pass someone, which requires a special by-pass manoeuvre and lots of "Excuse me's", and mutual chuckling about how tight the space is. Exploring is mandatory of course, because it's impossible to find your way around by using any kind of logic. Alphabetical? No way. Dewey? Out the window. This is a world where Philosophy can be next to Children's Adventure. A world where Spiritual Healing is often adjacent to Naval Battles. And a world where the entire sphere of Science can mean a collection of three books. And two of them are in the wrong place. But second-hand bookshops are in danger. Grave, grave danger. If you've been visiting them, you must have noticed. At first, it wasn't serious. But now they're being taken over. The foe is slowly increasing in number. Shelf after shelf succumbs. It's the ever present and growing threat of the Mills And Boon section. I've never read a Mills And Boon book. They often say "never judge a book by its cover", but in this case I'm prepared to make an exception. I'm sorry, but any series of books that so consistently has covers featuring bulging oiled male nipples and swooning women on horses is probably not going to be my kind of thing. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD COMPUTER GLOSSARY PART 2 BACK-UP The process of making copies of all of your files, just in case. This is the activity you would have been doing if all your files hadn't just been erased accidentally, twenty minutes before the back-up was due to happen. Related to the law of Dieyoubastardcomputer, which says that the computer will crash thirty seconds before you save your last four hours work. BACKSPACE The most used key on the keyboard. BATTERY A small cylindrical object placed inside a portable electrical device, designed to expire just at the time the device is being most useful. BINARY A method of counting using 1s and 0s. I'm not sure why anybody would bother, but it is terribly important in computers. Actually, that's a lie. I work in computers, and it's ages since I've had to do a binary count, binary chop, use binary notation... Just don't worry about it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ URL CORNER. The New Improved Toxic Custard Web Site (with only a few dozen mistakes in it) is at: http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ToxicCustard.html If you prefer to grab your antique TCWF by FTP: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard For how the Media jumping on the Internet bandwagon should be dealt with, grab a look at: http://www.cs.monash.edu.au/~darrenp/sp/media.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--Help, I have far too many email addresses Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-----------> Computer Power Education, ITS R&D Project Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu / danielbowen@msn.com---TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu All of the opinions expressed above are mine and mine and mine alone.-------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "MV Toxic Custard" HERE IS AN OFFICIAL COMMUNIQUE FROM THE GOVERNMENT OF FRANCE *********************** _ ******************************* / \ ************************** |\_/| ******************* | | ************* _ | | _ \\|\/|//// /\/ \| |/ \ | ||\|\ | | | | |/\ || |\\| | | | | | | |\//|\\ | ` | | ||| | |. .| // || \\\ | | / / | | \ \ | | /////|/\\|\\\/\\\\\\\ | | ===============----\==/----==----================ written by TOXIC CUSTARD /---/ \---\ / WORKSHOP FILES Daniel Bowen ===============\---- ----/ /================== 10th July 1995 Why have our tram conductors started wearing high visibility jackets? Even during the day? With "MET TRAM" emblazoned across the back. Who do they think they are, FBI Agents? Armed Response Police? "Stand aside please citizens, MET TRAM coming through! All right, nobody move! Freeze scumbags! Tickets please!" Maybe it's to satisfy that small section of the population that believe motorists can't tell the difference between a tree and any other green object. No kidding, someone wrote a letter into The Age about this. This was after some (now dead) idiot smashed into the side of a tram. Heck, if he thought it was a tree, he probably wouldn't have wanted to drive into it anyway. And anyone who can't tell the difference between a tree (big wooden thing with green leaves) and a tram (big green wooden and/or metal thing on wheels carrying lots of people) probably isn't paying enough attention. Meanwhile, the inaugural MORON OF THE WEEK AWARD goes to the driver of white Subaru station-wagon NJJ822, seen in Brighton Road, Elwood last week. Let's just say he needs to do some memory exercises, with particular attention to what a traffic light showing *red* means. And the inaugural SAD GIT OF THE WEEK AWARD goes to the sad git who dresses up as Michael Jackson to promote the Michael Jackson competition on Channel 10's "Video Hits" show. I really hope that guy is making some money out of it, he obviously needs it. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD COMPUTER GLOSSARY PART 3 COMPUTER Collection of expensive electronics that has been superseded by the time it is first turned on. CONFIG.SYS Something LAN administrators always seem to be mumbling about when they come to fix your computer. CD-ROM A device fitted to a computer allowing it to access large amounts of data from a convenient portable glass disc. But mostly used so people can listen to music while they work. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THING PART 19 ==================== JEFF: So how did you do at your last job interview then? RON: Well, I thought it was going well, until he said "How would you describe yourself in one word?" I don't think he was impressed by my answer. JEFF: Why, what did you say? RON: I said "constipated". JEFF: Ah. What was the reaction? RON: One of those terrible silences. Like that time I walked through the hospital with the dead dog in the wheel barrow. And he finally said "that reminds me, I need a crap. Mind the phone would you?" JEFF: What, some kind of test of your ability? RON: I figured so. The phone rang, and I picked it up. The voice said "Is Mr Banister there?" And I said "I'm sorry, we're not sure where he is at the moment." JEFF: Good answer. RON: But the voice asked "why not? Haven't you got any idea where he is?" So I said "Ummm, well, we're not sure which cubicle." JEFF: Probably not what I would have said. RON: Turned out that was this guy's manager, who fired him. So when Mr Banister got back, I told him he'd been fired, and he told me that he hadn't hired me, but he wanted to fire me anyway. So in the end I didn't get the job. JEFF: No go then. RON: Nope. But I probably wouldn't have got it anyway. JEFF: Why not? Wrong tie? RON: No tie. And I don't think they appreciated my "Screw the Corporations" T-shirt. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ URL QUADRANT. The New Improved Toxic Custard Web Site (with only a few dozen mistakes in it) is at: http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ToxicCustard.html (Stay tuned, North American mirror site coming soon) If you prefer to grab your old Custard by FTP: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard I have bowed to the pressure and got a home page: http://werple.mira.net.au/~lori/daniel.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia----------NB. This signature is a photocopy Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-----------> Computer Power Education, ITS R&D Project Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu / DanielBowen@msn.com---TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu The opinions expressed here are only mine. Honest.--------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Dubiously historical Toxic Custard" ---===---===---===---===---===---===---===---===---===---===---===--- T O X I C C U S T A R D W O R K S H O P F I L E S 2 5 8 1 6 t h J u l y 1 9 9 5 w r i t t e n b y D a n i e l B o w e n ---===---===---===---===---===---===---===---===---===---===---===--- This week's TV game - Watch "The Bill" and compare the number of times they do the full "I'm arresting you for xxxx, you do not have to say anything unless you wish to do so but what you do say may be taken down and used in evidence", to the number of times they can't be bothered, and just say "You're nicked!". What's the deal with the elaborate animations the TV channels put before movies? Don't get me wrong, I like them, I think they look cool. But why bother? Is it meant to make the film better? After the movie do you think "blimey, I wish I hadn't sat through two and a half hours of that crap... but hey, at least the station promo at the start was cool". Channel Ten have been advertising "Uncle Buck", and promoting John Candy as "the big man of comedy". If they're going to stick adjectives on people, they might as well be accurate. "John Candy, the big dead man of comedy". A couple of weeks ago the news came through that the top killer amongst Australian men is heart disease. I think that's great! No, really! Heart disease! Much better than civil war or drug overdoses or drive-by shootings. They're all so much messier. They never had drive-by shootings in caveman days. Not only did they not have projectile weapons beyond the strength of slingshots, but before they had invented the wheel, they didn't even have anything to drive-by in. Not that we have drive-by shootings in Australia. In fact, latest figures have said the crime figures are falling. It seems that it's only the number of people that the police shoot that is rising, which is a curious thing. Rumours suggest that the police are specifically shooting people during their raids so that other police can be kept busy investigating them. Speaking of Bosnia, which I wasn't, the Bosnian crisis seems to be full of contradictions. There are the UN Safe Areas... that aren't. The Rapid Reaction Force, which isn't rapid and isn't reacting. And the irony of the French government, so stubborn over nuclear tests, being the only ones who actually want to do something in Bosnia. Where does that leave the rest of us? Confused. There's nothing that unites people more than hating someone else, and we're all looking for someone to hate now that the South Africans have gone democratic. And now Jacques Chirac is presenting this love me/hate me image. Very confusing. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The National Trust this week announced the introduction of the Dubious Historic Buildings Register (DHBR), intended for the registration of those buildings that are of doubtful historical significance. An outspoken spokesman for the Trust, Sir Fotherington Ridiculousness-Smythe, spoke out last week during a speech. "Dammit, these are classic examples of crap. We cannot allow them to be lost forever to the ravages of progress, just because something better, nicer, more practical and less smelly can be built in its place. If we did that all the time, where would the world be today?" Some examples he cited for addition to the DHBR are: * that green metal public toilet in Lonsdale Street with the doubtful hygienic qualities * the house in Hotham Street, Ripponlea with the walls covered in bible quotes, where the religious nut lives * the "Come back soon" by the freeway in the way to the airport * the "California Club" brothel in St Kilda Road * the Nylex temperature/clock sign in Richmond * the Portaloo at East Camberwell station - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD COMPUTER GLOSSARY PART 4 DISK (FLOPPY) A small, surprisingly fragile round strip of magnetic material, generally enclosed in a flimsy plastic case. Floppy disks have developed to the point where they have a very low failure rate. The likelihood of failure only increases exponentially the more important the data on the disk. DISK (HARD) A rapidly spinning mass storage device, often compared to a peak hour train, because no matter how big it is, there's never any space on it. DESKTOP PUBLISHING The art of creating publications on your computer that still generally look pretty pathetic when compared to the real thing. DOS A now (almost) outdated operating system for Personal Computers. The most noticeable thing about programs that work in DOS is their blinding speed on modern computers, compared to Windows compatible programs. However, Microsoft have three major strategies to encourage the use of Windows. The strategies are known as Solitaire, Hearts and Freecell. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ URL SECTION. The Toxic Custard Web Sites are at: http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ToxicCustard.html http://www.cuug.ab.ca:8001/~cyrec/tcwf/ToxicCustard.html If you prefer the quaint appeal of FTP: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia----Land of the big rock and lots of desert Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-----------> Computer Power Education, ITS R&D Project Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu / DanielBowen@msn.com---TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu The opinions expressed here merely the mumblings of a deranged lunatic. Me.-- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Unionised Toxic Custard" What's the deal in the Taiwanese parliament? Twice last week they got into punch-ups during debates. Do they really believe that beating each other up will help win the debate? "Well Mr Speaker, although the motion of the Agriculture Minister can't possibly be passed on economic or ecological grounds, since his left hook is so good, we've decided to let it go through." TWO FIVE NI ****** ****** ** ** ****** FIVE NINE TWO FIVE NINE TWO FIVE NIN ** ** ** ** ** ** O 24th July 1995 NINE TWO FIVE NINE ** ** ** ** ** ***** O by Daniel Bowen NINE TWO FIVE NINE ** ****** ******** ** WO FIVE NINE TWO FIVE NINE This week's TV game - Watch "E.R." and listen for the crescendo of music when they count to three and lift someone from a stretcher onto an operating table. Actually, I have a couple of TV beefs. They may seem petty to some people, but I'm a Virgo, and it's my bloody electronic journal thing, so I'm allowed. It's all about simple dictionary definitions. In particular, the difference between the dictionary the TV and advertising people are using, and the dictionary the rest of us are using. * "ever. adv. always, eternally, at all times, at any time." Contrast this with the TV adverts that tell us their product is the biggest/best/cheapest EVER. Ever? Oh really? How do they know? How do they know that next week their opposition won't offer the same thing, but five percent bigger better and cheaper? Will the archeologists in five thousand years dig through the ruins of our civilisation and after conclusive studies write into their histories "that Brand X product really *was* the biggest ever"? * "all. adj. comprising every individual one, comprising the whole extent." Counter this with when TV stations advertise their programs as having an "all star cast". ALL star? ALL? What, so every single person appearing in this production is a star? That's what "all" means. No minor characters? No extras? All stars? PS. Actually, the definition of "star" in my dictionary is surprisingly apt: "star. n. any of those heavenly bodies visible by night that are really gaseous masses generating heat and light" PPS. I'm missing Stephen King's "all star" mini-series "The Stand" by sitting here writing this tonight. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - University days were fun days. I remember the Student Union building, somehow the most modern and well fitted-out building in the whole complex. I wonder if it had any connection with the compulsory $170 Student Union fee we paid every year. Of course, for your money you got access to the Union gym, which I, being the carefully trimmed superathlete that I am, used precisely zero times. And the top-class cafeteria, with its suspect pies, expensive chips and plenty of seating (not) at tables that would have looked really nice if it wasn't for the coffee stains and dead flies. Then there was the student newspaper - published by the students (well, mostly), for the students. It was secondary home of Toxic Custard for almost two years. Their computer system was designed by Paranoid Networking of Caulfield, and was totally isolated from the outside world. I could never give them an article on a disk; their high technology method of publishing invariably involved giving them articles on paper, and having someone retype it into their system. But it was pretty good fun really. Occasionally I even recognised my articles when they came out the other end. And it was nice to know that they always allowed amateurs to do the page layout. And it showed. Meanwhile, back in the Union Lounge, the table tennis game was reaching climax. There always seemed to be a game going on; it sometimes seemed like every hour or so one person would leave, and another would join this hallowed group of four, until after another hour had gone by, someone else would swap out. Rumour was the game had been going for centuries, only interrupted by quick changeovers and the regular escape of the ball, down through the architectually valid gap in the floor, to the level below. On the rare occasions that I managed to get to play a game, I would invariably end up playing with the shitty bat, of course. The Union Lounge would be host to regular special events. There was the Safe Sex day, when you could help yourself to a complimentary condom. And of course there was Health Week. You could tell when it was Health Week. Live bands would play at lunchtime. For some reason, this would necessitate the handing out of free alcohol and a lift to the smoking ban. That's right, in Health Week. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD COMPUTER GLOSSARY PART 5 EMAIL Short for Electronic Mail, a method of sending your message almost instantly from one computer to another, where it will sit for two weeks until the recipient can be bothered to reply to it. ERROR By far the most common output from a computer. ESCAPE KEY One of the fifty-three different key combinations which are used to tell a computer to stop, abort, pause, hold it right there, stop sleeping, wake up and pay attention to me. Of course, in each situation, only one of the fifty-three combinations will work, which is why you'll often see experienced computer users trying each in rapid succession. "Damn computer's gone to sleep. Ctrl-C, Esc, Ctrl-Y, Ctrl-Break, Ctrl-]..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ URL ZONE. Pick your choice of Toxic Custard Web Site: http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ToxicCustard.html http://www.cuug.ab.ca:8001/~cyrec/tcwf/ToxicCustard.html If you prefer the quaint appeal of FTP: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne----------Oh give me a home, where the bandicoots roam Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-----------> Computer Power Education, ITS R&D Project Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu / DanielBowen@msn.com---TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu The opinions here are merely the result of my diseased imagination.---------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Toxic Custard stunts your growth!" ___________t___o___x___i___c_____c___u___s___t___a___r___d___________ _________w___o___r___k___s___h___o___p_____f___i___l___e___s_________ ________b___y_____d___a___n___i___e___l_____b___o___w___e___n________ __n___u___m___b___e___r_____2___6___0_____3___1___/___7___/___9___5__ BOSNIA - How has the West let it happen? Surely only a complete moron with absolutely no brain whatsoever could not have foreseen it... How did the conversations in the governments of Europe go? "So, what is your plan for Bosnia? How will you keep all these people who hate each other's guts from killing each other?" "Well, we'll have these areas that we'll call 'Safe Areas' that the refugees can all shelter in." "And how will they be protected?" "Well, when they're inside the 'Safe Area', they'll be safe." "How will they be safe?" "I should have thought it was perfectly obvious. It's safe because it's called a 'Safe Area'". "Ah, I see. What do you think of the opinion that some have expressed that having 'Safe Areas' protected only by their name is a good way of putting all the refugees in one place to make it more convenient for their enemies to persecute them?" "Ah well, that would be the case, but these are 'Safe Areas'." "And what will you do if the Bosnian Serbs invade the 'Safe Areas'?" "Well they won't, because they're safe. But if they did, we'd tell them very sternly that if they did it again they'd be in big trouble." "What kind of trouble? If they did it again, what would you do?" "We'd move in U.N. troops." "To protect the refugees?" "No, to protect the other U.N. troops." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Do people still discourage their kids from smoking by saying "it'll stunt your growth"? Because I don't think it'll work. For one thing, I know a guy who smokes and is about nine feet tall. (Hi Andrew). No, I think honesty is the best policy. "It'll give you cancer, son", I'll say. "It'll give you gangrene, a horrible cough, bad breath, a drug addiction and a lighter wallet". That's one thing I haven't seen on the warning labels. Yeah sure, you get "Smoking causes heart disease", "Smoking kills", all that. But put "Smoking gives you terrible breath" and you might actually dissuade people. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This week's MORON OF THE WEEK AWARD goes to the driver of white hatchback NHS412, seen in St Kilda Road today, who apparently thinks "Give Way" means "accelerate around the corner without warning and try and hit the pedestrians". - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Remember in the days before remote controls, when TVs had dials? There's probably a few of these still around to this day. I merely have this to ask: Why was there a channel 5A? It went 3, 4, 5, 5A, 6, 7...?! What was the deal? Someone not sure what came after 5? Did they count from 0 to 12 and have one spot left over, and not want to end on 13? The public have a right to know, even if they are totally disinterested. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD COMPUTER GLOSSARY PART 6 FILE All the information stored permanently on computers is ultimately inside files. Computer files have a number of similarities to paper files. You can never find them, they always seem to fill the storage space available, and no matter how many warnings people give you about making copies for safe-keeping, you never do, and consequently lose all your work at regular intervals. FTP File Transfer Protocol, a method of paralysing computer networks by moving large amounts of information around. The advent of the World Wide Web, and other user-friendly methods of using FTP has meant an end to the wild games of file finding that used to go on. First stage was to find the site that your file was at. Given the millions of computers on the 'Net, this was not an easy task. Especially if you didn't know the filename. Once you'd found it, and negotiated the maze of directories, you'd have the fun job of working out the exact filename, case 'n' all. And don't think listing the directory would solve it - there'd be three hundred files in that directory, and no freeze or scroll lock key on your computer. And ten hours later, when the huge file had finally made it down the strand of wire to where it was in your grasp, you'd remember that you should have switched to Binary. Ahhh... the good old days. FUNCTION POINT COUNT An exercise performed on large computer projects by consultants, specifically designed so that project members have to spend more and more of their time filling out little bits of paper about what they would be working on if they weren't filling out little bits of paper about what they're not working on. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ URL LIST. Go for the closest TCWF Web site: http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ToxicCustard.html http://www.cuug.ab.ca:8001/~cyrec/tcwf/ToxicCustard.html http://www.catt.ncsu.edu/www_projects/tcwf/ToxicCustard.html If you prefer the quaint appeal of FTP: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--It's down the bottom of the map somewhere Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-----------> Computer Power Education, ITS R&D Project Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu / DanielBowen@msn.com---TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu The opinions here are those of my employer. Nah, only kidding...------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided this notice remains intact. For subscription and back-issue information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu