**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *******NUMBERS 221 TO 225*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN******* *****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no***** ***longer be correct. Please always use tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for enquiries*** "Disco Toxic Custard" 221221221 221221 221 221 221221 Toxic Custard Workshop Files 221 221 221 221 221 221 Number 221 - 17th October 1994 221 221 221 221 221 221221 Written by Daniel Bowen 221 221221 221221221221 221 But he claims insanity. TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 18 of a monumental stack 641 AD The Arabs capture Alexandria, and after a huge argument about overdue book fines, destroy the famous library. Efforts to fight the fire are hampered when instead of helping, all the librarians do is tell the firemen to shhhhhh! 669 The Arabs unsuccessfully attach Constantinople from sea. Attach? Attach Constantinople to what? And using what? Some kind of very strong rope? And why was it unsuccessful, did the rope break? Sometimes this book I'm shamelessly copying history out of is a bit puzzling. Oh. *Attack* Constantinople. Okay. 711 Open all day, all night, every day of the year. Oh, sorry. Try again. 711 Having conquered East and North Africa, the Arabs cross into Spain. 720 Spain subdued with a hangover, the Arabs (with the Moors) invade France. Well, it's something to do on a Sunday afternoon, you know. 732 Charles Martel drives the Arabs out of France. Bit of a contrast to the Charleses of today, eh? I can't see Prince Charles driving anyone anywhere, unless it's a quick trip in the Range Rover to inspect a new type of tree at Balmoral, or to whinge to the press about what a wimp he is. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Once more we're all here. You're there, I'm here. Or, given that there's a lot more of you than there is of me; I'm there, you're here. Very cosy. Cosy enough to confess: I think I may be getting far too involved in this seventies revival thing. I blame the movies. I suppose the signs were there. Tapping my feet to the music in "Strictly Ballroom" a couple of years ago. But it's getting worse. We saw "Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert" the other day. Very good film. To my horror I found myself again tapping my feet to the music. But the music was Abba's "Mamma Mia". This is bad, this is very bad. It just got worse after that. I dragged out an old Countdown video, and was, dare I say it, delighted to find such horrors as... Suzi Quatro... The Jacksons when they were all still together - and still black... Little River Band... the aforementioned Swedish persons... *gulp* Bee Gees... Quick cure time. I'll reach for the Led Zeppelin. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THING PART 16 ==================== (Jeff and Ron sit on a park bench, watching the world go by.) RON: Ever wondered what it's like to be an ant? JEFF: Well, not lately, no. Not since I was studying Insectoid Theology. It's not the sort of thought that pops up into my mind every day of the year. In fact, it might be only once every two or three years, that I wonder what it's like to be an ant. RON: They seem to have very boring lives, ants. All they do all summer is wander around looking for food. And when one of them has found food, he goes back to all his mates and says "Oi! Food! C'mon!" and they all go off and join a chain-gang to take it back. JEFF: Yep, it'd be interesting if people worked like that. Huge families of hundreds of people all exploring outwards from their house, until one of them finds a 7-11 and tells the others to all come and line-up so they can all carry back the chips and Coke. And they're all walking up and down the corridor of their house, and just crawling over anyone else they happen to meet going the other way. RON: (inspired) Yeah!... JEFF: Oi Ron, is this conversation leading anywhere? Is there some great ant theory that you're about to impart upon the world; or in the absence of most of the world, me? RON: Not really, no. JEFF: What, there's nothing you'd like to say? RON: Well, okay. I mean. Only that I never hear ants shouting to each other about where they've found food, that's all. Maybe they all have two-way radios. JEFF: Two-way radios for ants? RON: Just think about it... it'd be much more efficient than one ant having to pass the word around about a leaking syrup bottle, to millions of other ants. Some kind of walkie-talkie system would be obvious. Or some other kind of radio broadcast system. JEFF: ANT-FM? RON: Oh don't be silly. I'm sure they're not advanced enough to have FM. For heaven's sake, some of them probably don't even have colour TV yet. AM maybe, but not FM. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The back-issues of Toxic Custard (well, most of them) are still available by ftp. Mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for info. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| Telecom Australia have Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| nothing at all to do with Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| TCWF. Unfortunately, I do. TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| Oh well. Can't be helped, really. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Stained Toxic Custard" 22222 222 2 2 2222 222 222 222 Toxic Custard Workshop Files 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 Number 222 25th October 1994 2 2 2 2 2 222 222 222 222 Written by Daniel Bowen 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 222 22222 2 222 222 222 TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 19 of lots and lots and lots 751 AD Pepin, son of Charles Martel, is crowned King of the Franks, founding the Hotfrangers dynasty, and taking over a business that has a stranglehold on hot snacks throughout the empire. 762 Baghdad founded; it becomes capital of the Arab empire. The locals immediately start building communications towers, five-star hotels for Western journalists to stay in, and bomb oops, I mean milk factories. 768 Pepin dies; his fastfood kingdom is divided between his sons Charles (later known by the stage name Charlemagne) and Carloman. They get into a huge argument over whether they should sell hot chips or French fries. 771 Carloman dies and Charlemagne takes possession of his lands. From then onwards Charlemagne enlarges his dominions (oooh err!) until his power reaches from the Pyrenees to the river Elbe in Germany, and from the Atlantic to the Danube and Tiber. Wow. That's an *awfully* big dominion. 786 Haroun-al-Raschid becomes Caliph at Baghdad; under him the Arab empire is at its greatest. He organises all parts of the empire under a common banner to increase his power; the Orgy of Prayer for the Eternal Caliph. Together they all try and invent something that can use up all the oil that they dig up. 800 After tense negotiations, Charlemagne wins a 14 year contract (including benefits and performance based pay) to be emperor of the Holy Roman Empire. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Until the weekend, I thought I had grown up. I've moved out of home, got married (or was it the other way round?), got a Real Job, and now we're expecting the first kid. I thought I was truly an adult. But no. For this was the weekend that I truly reached manhood. For the first time in my life, I found myself doing DIY. I was shopping in the hardware shop. Ever noticed how most of the people in the hardware shops are mild-mannered, middle-aged men with caps, brown raincoats and glasses, who are probably building nuclear missile silos in their backyard? Yes, for the first time, there I was there with them, buying brushes, turpentine and sandpaper. I've stained my first bookshelf. It's quite a feeling of accomplishment, I can tell you. Before, it was virgin pine. Now it's Baltic stained pine. Very nice. In fact, the accomplishment almost covers the embarrassment that we bought the bookshelf a whole three years ago, all the time saying "oh no, we don't need to pay the extra money to buy it stained - we'll do it ourselves!!" Yeah - right. And so the bookshelf was delivered. Gleaming, bright, untreated pine. And we stacked books into it. Just temporarily, of course, until we got time to varnish and stain it. To save space. So the books were stacked. We'll do it next week, we thought. And the weeks turned to months, and the months into years. And, had a huge spark of urgent embarrassment not raised its ugly head last week, the years could have turned into decades. So remember kids, if you're ever shopping for any kind of furniture, and you're offered the untreated stuff: Refuse. Let them do it for you. It'll be quicker in the long run. Because the first few minutes of the first coat of varnish can be fun. After that it just gets tedious. As for me, next I have to do the second bookshelf, bought at the same time. And anything else around that looks like it could do with a varnish and stain. Hmmm... maybe the computer would look good in Baltic? Or the fridge? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Recently suburban shoppers have had to beware of another menacing threat: Supermarket trolley joy-riders. Gangs of youths have been roaming the aisles, looking for people who are busy trying to find their favourite breakfast cereal... and pouncing on their trolleys. The trolleys are pushed at speed to a random aisle. And dumped. Apparently the kids involved are excited by the daring, the speed, but most of all the joy in seeing the completely confused look of the shoppers who thought they knew their trolleys were. Some shoppers have later found their trolleys, only to get to the check-out and discover the joy-riders had put in extra items, such as packs of condoms, half a cow and a bumper box of laxatives. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Imagine the kind of fun you could have if you were a tailor to the fashion-disadvantaged, or the blind. "Oh yes sir, that orange and purple really looks good on you. It's what everyone's wearing in cardigans this year. Our top selling item. But not so top selling that everyone has one. Trust me, in an orange and purple spotted cardigan, you'll be just that right balance between fashionable and outstanding. Laughing? No, I can't hear any laughing..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toxic Custards 1 to 215 are available by ftp - email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. (Update soon!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| Telecom Australia have Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| nothing at all to do with Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| TCWF. Unfortunately, I do. It's TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| just a cross I have to bear. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Racing Toxic Custard" TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES | "That huge, careering polluting Number 223, October 31st, 1994| semi-trailer, running your car Written by Daniel Bowen | off the information superhighway" ------------------------------' TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 20 of more than anyone can put up with 802 AD Egbert, king of Wessex (whoa! The WHOLE of Wessex?!?), one of seven Anglo-Saxon kingdoms fighting for supremacy in England. The others are Northumbria, Mercia, Kent, Sussex, Essex and East Anglia. Also the king of Little Frumpton-on-the-Water, but none of the other kings take him seriously. Egbert hits upon a brilliant battle strategy. He withdraws his armies from fighting, and instead sends in the combined soccer hooligans of Wessex. It takes them a while to headbutt all the other opponents, but eventually they conquer the country. 809 Haroun-al-Raschid dies; beginning of 200 years of chaos and civil war in the Arab empire. Wait a sec, that must be a misprint. I think they mean 2000 years. 814 Charlemagne dies. And, at least according to the history I'm copying this from, there are absolutely no consequences. No rioting in the streets, civil war, or mass suicides. 829 After a thrilling Cup Final, Egbert unites England for the first time under one king. Yes, all hail King Egbert! King Egbert, the mighty! King Egbert, named after a Sesame Street character and the thing that comes out of a chicken's rear end! Hail King Egbert! 840 Frankish empire is divided between Charlemagne's sons and grandsons. Note that the Frankish empire is called that because the people were asked by visitors who they were. "Franks!" the loyal declared. "... ish..." added the doubtful. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE JOY OF WALLS Walls do more than just hold up roofs. They act as a complement to the furniture within a room. You can have painted walls, plain brick walls, or wallpapered walls. But no matter how far wall technology develops, it is still impossible to hang a picture up straight first time. Every time I try to put a picture up, the whole wall turns itself on an angle temporarily, only to make it obvious when I back away that a disorientated blind polar bear hopping on one leg down a cliff-face could have done better at hanging it straight. Another pitfall is the dreaded TPAGF, the Temporary Picture Anti- Gravity Field, which will cause one side of the picture to fall two inches the moment you let go of it. Scientists believe this is related to the strange behaviour of the hammer being attracted to your finger when you try to put a nail in. And to the inability of anyone to steer a shopping trolley. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I'm glad I'm not the only one who has an irrational fear of snakes, spiders, insects... in fact, I'm basically scared of any living thing that's smaller than me, that isn't furry. "What", I hear you say, "even the little ants? The little ants scurrying around searching for food? They're tiny! They couldn't hurt anyone." Yes, I reply, those damn ants. They may look like they're very innocently looking for honey jars that haven't been wiped after use, but they're not fooling me. Imagine if you were tied down against the hot desert sand, unable to escape. With honey dripping onto your foot. Would the ants crawling past ignore you? No! They'd begin to tear your skin off, chomping into your blood and bone... euch! They have to be stopped! All these creatures must be killed if they come anywhere near me. And that's why I've developed new all-purpose KILL OBLIVION HOLOCAUST DESTRUCTION AND DEATH SPRAY (with free gasmask). Just one little squirt and the range of fully-toxic non-biodegradable poisons will distribute themselves in the direction that you point the can. More poison power than a freeway at rush hour during a train strike! Guaranteed to kill ALL known lifeforms within 60 seconds of contact. And that includes furry ones, so just make sure you don't spray the cat. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 1st November. 3:20pm. The Melbourne Cup. Yes, welcome to Flemington Racecourse, for the hundred and somethingth Melbourne Cup, this year sponsored yet again by Fosters. Drink enough Fosters, and you won't care that your horse came last. And as we see the horses line up at the starting gate, some late scratchings include Fast Sausage, and Instant Glue, both of whom are rumoured to have left the racecourse in closed trucks. And they're off! Piss-poor got off to a good start, followed out by Slow As A Slug, No Hoper and Rank Outsider... And as they come around the corner heading for the line I've just got time to wonder why all my sentences seem to start with "and". And here they come now, it's Not A Chance, Extra In The Godfather, followed by Equus... but no, the ambulance shoots out in front! And as they cross the line, it's the ambulance, closely followed by Not A Chance, just a nose to Extra In The Godfather. And we'll cross straight over to speak to the ambulance driver's trainer, to hear him crow about how he didn't expect to win but what a great thrill it is, and where he bought his top hat etc etc etc ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Loads and loads of TCWF back-issues are sitting around on ftp sites, just waiting for YOU to download them! Email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| Telecom Australia have nothing Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| at all to do with TCWF. I, on Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| the other hand, if pressed, TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| would have to say that I do. Actually, my tip for the Melbourne Cup is that the winner will be either Vintage Crop, River Verdon, Jeune, Our Pompeii, Air Seattle, Paris Lane, Hear That Bell, Quick Ransom, Oompala, Top Rating, Double Take, Glastonbury, Gossips, Alcove, Gold Sovereign, Grass Valley, Oppressor, Starstruck, Toll Bell, Cliveden Gail, Coachwood, Major Decision, Pindi or Sweet Glory. See if I'm wrong. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Mass Toxic Custard" What do you mean you weren't expecting six copies of the last Toxic Custard? It stated quite clearly in your subscription agreement that "the reader agrees that under no circumstances is there a guarantee that the number of TCWFs delivered in any week shall be limited to one. In fact, it could be anything ranging from zero to two billion." Actually, it's my way of getting back at you lot for missing the Sunday night movie every week to write this stuff. --------- ------------- --------------- --------- ----- t o x i c c u s t a r d w o r k s h o p f i l e s 2 2 4 --------- ------------- --------------- --------- ----- 7th November 1994 TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 21 of more than anyone can put up with 871 AD Alfred the Great is king of Wessex, practically the only part of England not in Danish hands. When told by the local baker that he has Danish in the pantry, Alfred replies by chopping his head off. 878 Alfred defeats Danes, compels them by Treaty of Wedmore to stay in their settlements in N.E. England, and become Christians. Doesn't sound like much of a defeat to me. What about ruthless torture, sacrificing their goats, and all the other stuff that great defeats usually involve? Sounds like this Alfred the Great bloke was a bit of a wimp. 900 Alfred dies. While the body lies in state, thousands of his people come to pay their last respects, and try and get a glimpse of the alleged tackle that gave Alfred his nickname. 919 Henry I, king of Germany, completes the separation of the Frankish empire into Germany and France, by cutting along the dotted line and folding back. 987 Louis V, last Carolingian king of France, dies, and is succeeded by Hugh Capet, the first modern French king. Excuse me? Modern? In 987 AD? Who wrote this?? 1013 Sweyn of Denmark conquers England, and is accepted as king, primarily because he brings millions of Lego bricks to bribe the peasants. 1015 Canute, Sweyn's son, defeats Edmund Ironside, after Edmund makes jokes about going for a row down the river in the canute. Canute gets him back by putting him in a wheelchair. They divide the realm between them. 1016 Edmund dies; Canute becomes sole king. A one man Canute. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THING PART 17 ==================== JEFF: So, the first Tuesday in November's gone past again, eh? How did you do? RON: Well, I didn't get caught in the rain. JEFF: No no, I mean The Cup. RON: Ah, I see. Well, I didn't realise there was quite that much in the Coke bottle. So when I poured it into the cup it kinda got right to the top - you know when it goes right up to the edges, and a little bit further, but doesn't quite overflow... JEFF: No no no, I'm talking about the Melbourne Cup. It was last Tuesday. "The race that stops a nation." RON: Does it? Which nation? JEFF: Australia. And well no, not really, but that's what they say about it. It doesn't necessarily mean that it actually does, it's just a way of making it sound like a mega event, that's all... So, did you have a flutter? RON: I thought it was horses, not butterflies. JEFF: Yes well, that may well be the case. You might be right in thinking that for 130 odd years they've met at Flemington Racecourse to see twenty-four horses run over two miles for a first prize of two million dollars. Horses, rather than Lepidoptera. You might be right. Did you happen to bet on any of these horses? RON: Yeah. I put money of them, yeah. I put two dollars to win on each one. Because I read somewhere that one of the twenty-four would win. JEFF: Well, that's probably pretty safe. One of them's almost bound to win. Didn't you bet on any both ways? RON: Now look... I've got nothing against that sort of thing. It's perfectly all right between consecutive adults, in privates. But personally, I am not a bilingual. It's just not for me. JEFF: Umm... right. So did you bet on any of the other races that day? RON: Yeah. I managed to get a bet that Phar Lap would get a place in the last race. 100,000,000 to one. JEFF: Phar Lap? You know Phar Lap's dead, don't you? In the museum, stuffed like a teddy-bear? RON: Oh yeah, that's why the odds were so good. At 100,000,000 to one, a bet of one dollar would have made... ummm... errr... Tell you what, it's just a shame that the plan didn't work. JEFF: What plan? RON: Two of my mates were going to break into the museum on Monday night, take Phar Lap out on a couple of skateboards, wheel him along to Flemington for the race... and Bob's you're uncle, instant fortune. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The news is not good. Toxic Custard back-issues are available by ftp and WWW. Email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| Telecom Australia have nothing Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| at all to do with TCWF: Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| Their lawyers maintain that TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| it's all my fault. And now, another thousand words. begin 0666 kow.bmp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end ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Ultra Toxic Custard" _____ _____ ______ TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES | <_____ |___|___| |--- ============================ Number 225. 14th November 1994. Written by Daniel Bowen TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 22 of far too many 1042 AD Edward the Confessor, confesses, and is almost burnt at the stake for it. But instead he comes back from a holiday in Normandy to England, as king. 1054 Eastern Orthodox Church breaks with the Church of Rome. Two months later, the South-Eastern Orthodox Church breaks away from the Eastern Orthodox Church. Barely has the dust settled when the South-Eastern-Left-Side-Of-The-Street Holy Church splits from the South-Eastern. It's only when, fourteen minutes later, the House- On-The-Corner-Of-The-Left-Side-Of-The-Street-South-Eastern Church breaks away, that people begin to realise that it was just one priest who kept getting into arguments with everyone else, that caused the whole thing in the first place. 1065 Westminster Abbey, rebuilt by Edward the Confessor, consecrated. A tribe of nomadic Athiests are evicted. They threaten to go to the Rent Tribunal. 1066 Edward the Confessor dies. Harold is elected king. William of Normandy decides that Harold is a complete wimp, after seeing a draft of the Bayeux Tapestry. William invades England, killing Harold at Hastings (next stop Bittern). After seeing a mysterious comet during a hail storm, he is inspired to start a Court band, called Will Haily And The Comets. 1071 Seljuk Turks, led by "Stormin'" Abdul, seize Baghdad. They then sweep across Asia Minor and take the fortress of Niceaea, opposite Constantinople. House prices in Constantinople immediately dip. 1075 Turks take Jerusalem and Holy Places. They take them out to the pictures, a spot of dinner, a little dancing... Once again, the Jerusalem tourist shops do a roaring trade. "Hey Mister, you wanna buy a shroud?" 1086 Domesday Book, a survey of England, completed. Unfortunately, as printing hasn't been invented, each copy takes forty men three years to make. Because of this, and of course the enormous cost, it fails to make the best-seller list, and never makes it into paperback. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ULTRASOUND I Ultrasound. It sounds like such a simple (though high-tech) word. But this is the miracle that allowed me to see the impressive product of my equally-impressive loins. And all before that product has even considered thinking about wanting to be delivered. It was devised by Doctor Ignatius Ultra in the mid-1970s, while he was trying to invent a way of using high-frequency sound vibrations to destroy his daughter's Abba records. For some unfathomable reason the ultrasound itself seems to involve a preparation that features some kind of jelly, and desperately needing to go to the toilet. The mother (my wife Lori), is instructed to drink several lakes worth of water a couple of hours beforehand, and (here comes the bad bit) to hold it in. This involves extremely crossed legs, and thinking about anything other than water, flowing streams, rivers, sailing ships... not easy when the television in the waiting room seems to be featuring a week of specials all about the chemistry, the behaviour, the features, the pros and the cons, of H2O. When relief finally came, the Hospital Board concluded that it had been wise after all to install the high-capacity drains. But it was worth it - for the first time we were able to see the baby, in its temporary residence, doing aerobics, dancing, and generally having a good time before having to put up with the world outside. It's too early to tell the gender yet. And no, we haven't felt the baby kicking yet. The doctors have told us to ignore the theory that you can tell what the baby will aspire to by what we feel. Virtually every baby kicks while in the womb, but very few end up becoming kickboxers or footballers. Naturally, Dad (that's me) had come prepared, with a portable television station in tow (hey, what a great way to justify buying a new camcorder!). I guess it's getting to the stage now where I'll have to start doing all sorts of bloke-ish Dad-ish homey hardwarey things. I've changed a fluorescent bulb starter, but it doesn't really rank up there with restumping the house and re-doing all the wiring. Now, where did that hardware catalogue get to? Coming soon: Ultrasound II - The Quest For Gender - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Are noticeboards any use at all? They always seem to be crammed with stuff that people put up, leave there for a few months, then take down again, without anyone (except perhaps the poster) having read them. Why are clothes horses called that? Did people used to dry their clothes by hanging them over horses? What would the horse think? "Oh yeah thanks a lot for draping your cold wet clothes over me. Just what I need with a cold coming on." What do they mean, Reagan is showing signs of the *EARLY* stages of Alzheimer's disease? Did Alois Alzheimer actually have Alzheimer's disease? I was going to write something else about Alzheimer's disease here. But I forget what. We've got Chambers Biographical Dictionary sitting in the bookshelf. 20,000 biogs of famous men and women of history. I wonder if it's the 20,000 most famous? Wouldn't it be a bugger if you ranked 20,001? Every day you'd be trying to get into the papers, to be noticed so you might go up by one and make it into the next edition. How do they rank people? "Well, he was assassinated, but then, she invented the fly-swatter, surely a major contribution to humankind..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oh no! Toxic Custard back-issues are still available by ftp or WWW. Damn, you'll just have to email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| I'm sure you can figure it Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| all out. Blah blah blah, TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| blah blah my own problems. Blah. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia Copyright (c) 1994, 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided this notice remains intact. For subscription and back-issue information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu