Macbeth

Act V: Scene IX: Within the castle.

[Retreat and flourish. Enter with Drum and Colours, Malcolm, Siward, Ross, Thanes and Soldiers]

MALCOLM I would the friends we miss were safe arrived.

SIWARD Yes, they were due an hour ago. Damned late trains.

MALCOLM Macduff is missing, and your noble son.

ROSS Your son, my lord, has paid a soldier's debt
He only lived but till he was a man,
The which no sooner had his prowess confirmed
In the unshrinking station where he fought
But like a man he died.

SIWARD Are you trying to tell me he's dead? At a railway station? A train accident, or some sort of riot? Or perhaps a football game?

ROSS Ay, and brought off the field.
Your cause of sorrow
Must not be measured by his worth, for then
It hath no end.

SIWARD Well well well, poor old Siward Junior, and I thought he'd get to play the whole match. I'm gonna have to have a word with that coach. Where is he, in the grandstand, or on the interchange bench, down the front?

ROSS Ay, on the front.

SIWARD Well, Young Siward had a good game. He's improved his form since last season, too. But I'll be sorry to see him out of the team.

MALCOLM He's worth more sorrow,
And that I'll spend for him.

SIWARD What are you on about? Ah, who's that approaching? It's ol' Macduff- whatcha got there, 'duff mate?

[Enter Macduff, with Macbeth's head.]

MACDUFF Hail, king! for so thou art. Behold, where stands Th'unsurper's cursed head

SIWARD Jesus Christ Macduff, what the bloody hell are you doing? Whose head is that?

MACDUFF the time is free

SIWARD You'll be doing time all right if you get caught with that head!

MACDUFF I see thee compassed with thy kingdom's pearl

[Enter Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, Sergeant Flatfoot]

SIWARD Shit, it's the pigs!

INSPECTOR All righty.. what 'ave we 'ere?

MACDUFF, MALCOLM, ROSS, OTHERS Siward did it!

SIWARD You bastards.

INSPECTOR Okay Siward, your number's up.

SIWARD I never touched him!

MACDUFF Yes he did officer, we all saw him go up to poor old Macbeth with an axe, lop his head off and plant it on me so I'd get in trouble. Euch.. horrible it was, with blood everywhere. Talk about "out out damn spot", it was all over the bloody place!

INSPECTOR Siward, you are under arrest for the lopping off of Macbeth's head. You do not have to say anything, but we'll probably beat the shit out of you if you don't cough up, so you may as well admit it right now. Cuff him, sergeant.

Shakespeare

	[Retreat and flourish. Enter with Drum and Colours, Malcolm, Siward, Ross, Thanes and Soldiers]
MALCOLM	I would the friends we miss were safe arrived.
SIWARD	Yes, they were due an hour ago. Damned late trains.
MALCOLM	Macduff is missing, and your noble son.
ROSS	Your son, my lord, has paid a soldier's debt He only lived but till he was a man, The which no sooner had his prowess confirmed In the unshrinking station where he fought But like a man he died.
SIWARD	Are you trying to tell me he's dead? At a railway station? A train accident, or some sort of riot? Or perhaps a football game?
ROSS	Ay, and brought off the field. Your cause of sorrow Must not be measured by his worth, for then It hath no end.
SIWARD	Well well well, poor old Siward Junior, and I thought he'd get to play the whole match. I'm gonna have to have a word with that coach. Where is he, in the grandstand, or on the interchange bench, down the front?
ROSS	Ay, on the front.
SIWARD	Well, Young Siward had a good game. He's improved his form since last season, too. But I'll be sorry to see him out of the team.
MALCOLM	He's worth more sorrow, And that I'll spend for him.
SIWARD	What are you on about? Ah, who's that approaching? It's ol' Macduff- whatcha got there, 'duff mate?
	[Enter Macduff, with Macbeth's head.]
MACDUFF	Hail, king! for so thou art. Behold, where stands Th'unsurper's cursed head
SIWARD	Jesus Christ Macduff, what the bloody hell are you doing? Whose head is that?
MACDUFF	the time is free
SIWARD	You'll be doing time all right if you get caught with that head!
MACDUFF	I see thee compassed with thy kingdom's pearl
	[Enter Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, Sergeant Flatfoot]
SIWARD	Shit, it's the pigs!
INSPECTOR	All righty.. what 'ave we 'ere?
MACDUFF, MALCOLM, ROSS, OTHERS	Siward did it!
SIWARD	You bastards.
INSPECTOR	Okay Siward, your number's up.
SIWARD	I never touched him!
MACDUFF	Yes he did officer, we all saw him go up to poor old Macbeth with an axe, lop his head off and plant it on me so I'd get in trouble. Euch.. horrible it was, with blood everywhere. Talk about "out out damn spot", it was all over the bloody place!
INSPECTOR	Siward, you are under arrest for the lopping off of Macbeth's head. You do not have to say anything, but we'll probably beat the shit out of you if you don't cough up, so you may as well admit it right now. Cuff him, sergeant.