Toxic Custard - The News you had to have

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30-Dec-2002

Ah, some good news for Christmas. A group of factory workers being retrenched just won $1.57 million dollars in the lotto.
Call me a cynic if you like, but the news that a nutty religious group has cloned a human is making my bullshit-o-meter go wild.
Oh no... someone here fell for the Nigerian letter scam... and worse, it was a financial planner, using other people's money!

23-Dec-2002

Paul McCartney decides he and John's songs from the Beatles days should now be credited as "McCartney-Lennon" instead of "Lennon-McCartney". And apparently he's now got his own coat of arms. Hope he's not turning into a pompous selfish old git in his old age...
This could be a script for Frontline. A woman and her husband and friends who are bikies were filmed for Channel 9's Weddings programme. Four months later A Current Affair recycled the footage in a story about bikie gang crime, resulting in them being ostracised.
An NZ teenager claimed in court the 512 cannabis seeds the cops found were for his racing pigeons (thanks Brian)
Bank robber calmly sits and waits to be arrested. (thanks Diane)
Ooh err, the big thing in Japanese DVDs this month is a nude performance by Romanian gymnasts.
Yeuch story of the week - surgical tool left in a Canadian woman's stomach for four months.

16-Dec-2002

It's tempting to start worrying about this study which claims fast CD drives leave you in danger of being hit by flying compact disc shrapnel... but it's all a bit over the top and fake looking, isn't it. The computer geek at The Age seemed to believe it, if that's any indication. Call me a cynic...
The Ku-Klux-Klan klaim to have the konstitutional right to burn krosses. Actually I think it's pretty amusing that the imperial wizard involved is a guy called Barry Black.
A man about to be eaten by a crocodile bites back... and survives! (thanks Dan)
Kylie's chocolate bottom to be wrapped in more cellophanic protection.
Anybody wanna buy a cheap Swedish car? 3,000 in fact. Maybe slightly rusty... as a result of a ship sinking. Whoops. And then, a day later... whoops again... another ship collides with the wreck.

9-Dec-2002

Next up in the Guinness Book Of Pointless Records That Nobody Would Want To Try And Beat... a bloke in Queensland has collected four thousand thongs. That's the rubber kind you wear on your foot, apparently. The report is a little ambiguous at first, only saying he picked them up from his local beach. Oh. And I was wrong about it being a record nobody would want to try and beat. This guy was inspired by hearing about another who had a mere six hundred thongs.
Little kid swallows electronic car security tag. So his mum starts the car by pressing the kid against the steering wheel while turning the ingnition. (thanks Stuart)

2-Dec-2002

It's one thing to be sick of a speed hump in your street... it's quite another to go and get a bulldozer and rip it up (thanks Chris)
Horse with a political name is forced to have it changed. Not only that, but The Horse Formerly Known As Johnny Say Sorry is female.
What do you do if your video recorder (well, Tivo, actually) thinks you're gay? And you're not? Try and convince it otherwise... (thanks Brian)

25-Nov-2002

Yay, now you can buy Segways! Well, almost. I think I'll still buy a bicycle, rather than waiting for these things to materialise in the marketplace. And the bicycle will give me more exercise. (thanks Scottie)
Is the Jedi Archives in Attack Of The Clones actually the Long Room Library at Trinity College in Dublin? Sure looks like it... (thanks Dino)
The government is proposing adverts on TV, to tell us how to spot a terrorist. Like a bloke with a balaclava and a machine gun? Could he be a terrorist? Shouldn't mock I suppose, but if Prime Minister Garrison really believes nightclub bouncers would let someone wander in and "plonk a parcel on the bar" and then race out... well, I don't think he gets out much.
Some bloke was using his laptop for about an hour, and managed not to notice until afterwards that it had caused burning and blisters on his foreskin and scrotum. Uh huh.

18-Nov-2002

Is Mickey Mouse 700 years old? Well a 700 year old fresco uncovered in an Austrian church seems to indicate it might be so!
A woman was denied full compensation for her husband's death... because she was too pretty, and therefore more likely to be remarry.
Half of Sydney's ecstasy supply is gone, after the arrest of drug runners... a couple aged 60.

11-Nov-2002

A couple of guys on the run suspected of burglary jumped over the wrong fence... into Admiralty House, the Governor-General's residence, setting off perimeter alarms and bringing security swarming from all directions. One then went next door, next door being Kirribilli, the Prime Minister's house.
A crazy Belgian pensioner set booby traps all over his house, apparently in an attempt to kill his family. It killed him instead. (thanks Scott)
Watch out Kiwis, if you ran an office Melbourne Cup sweepstakes, the law might catch up with you...

4-Nov-2002

CNNNN's reporters run naked through Burwood Local Court while the infamous Vodafone streaker case is being heard.
Anti-terrorism raids continue. But the ASIO officers in Victoria adopt something of a more relaxed attitude. "Unlike the highly publicised raids seen elsewhere in Australia, where police carried sub-machineguns and used sledgehammers to break windows and doors, the ASIO officers in Victoria had simply rung door bells or knocked on front doors. The targets of the visits had cooperated during searches..."
Hackers (presumably wearing white hats) claim to have broken into Saddam Hussein's e-mail.
Sydney zookeepers refuse to give gorillas a wank. (thanks David and others)

28-Oct-2002

Microsoft advertising in trouble again. This time they're apologetic about a graffiti advertising campaign in New York. Hey, weren't they apologetic when they did it in Sydney, too? Where do you want to vandalise today? (thanks Greg)
Meanwhile, Microsoft's web site seems to think Windows 2000 is the same as Windows XP. Does this mean I can have a free upgrade?
Someone tried to shut down the Internet!
Trains in London delayed by an inflatable Ronald McDonald on the line.

21-Oct-2002

Care to play Doom on your mobile phone? Actually, I might prefer Repton...
Microsoft starts an advertising campaign showing a woman who switched from Apple Mac to Windows XP. The problem? Turns out the woman was a PR-consultant for the advertising firm. Oops.
New planet discovered. Named Quaoar. Hmm. After Pluto, you'd think they could have used another easy to pronounce Disney character.
A bloke in Edinburgh has been found guilty of having sex with a traffic cone. Eugh. (Thanks Graeme. I think.)
Meanwhile in London, they have a slight problem with some new buses. They're too big for the road. (Thanks Owen)

14-Oct-2002

Thousands of US troops are searching Afghanistan for Mullah Omar, fugitive Taliban leader. Problem is the picture of him is wrong: it should only have one eye.
Scientists believe lemon juice could stop AIDS. And in the spirit of research, one of them poured it on his penis.
Speaking of penises (penii?), the guys from the Puppetry Of The Penis stage show appeared on Leno... with their dacks on.
Where's the best place to live? In the world? If you happen to be an expatriate who fills in an Economist survey? Melbourne! (Or Vancouver).
A Muslim worker at TPG in Sydney threatened with the sack for praying at work.
I meant to post this a couple of weeks ago... When news.com.au covered the recent African ferry disaster, at one point they had a Bigpond fish animation superimposed over it. Oops. (Thanks Graeme)

7-Oct-2002

This week's scientific research... scientists believe they have found the world's funniest joke. Okay, I chuckled when I read it, but I don't know if it's the funniest.
The New Zealand Symphony Orchestra falls foul of someone entering pornographic titles into a net CD database for their new CD.
This could be the new threat to celebrity child safety... Jude Law and Sadie Frost's toddler swallows half an ecstasy tablet at a party (thanks Tom).
Cop reads The Onion satirical website. Cop reads story about Al-Quaeda participating in telemarketing fraud. Cop believes story. Cop (or cops) put out a press release advising local residents to be careful. Cop and local police force become laughing stocks (thanks Waleed).
Meanwhile some people at the Perth Royal Show have been traumatised by the appearance of 9/11 cakes (thanks Brian).
Some guy running for the US senate has turned blue, from drinking colloidal silver in 1999, in preparation for Y2K and the inevitable collapse of society and subsequent shortage of antibiotics. And this nutter expects us to vote for him?

30-Sep-2002

Scientists have just worked out that doing housework depresses people. Well, no kidding...
Oh, icky, yeuchy, Edwina Currie's diary of her affair with John Major.
Conspiracy theorists will be getting their teeth into this. An American killed in a mystery plane crash last week was a counter-terrorism expert, as is his wife.
Going sailing? Watch out for vigilante fishermen.

23-Sep-2002

Scientists have managed to get flies to switch to the other team, by introducing a mutant gene which makes them display homosexual tendencies. I can see the religious nuts having a field day over this.
Country towns sprucing up their public toilets for the passing tourists, hoping for what they term a "shit-led recovery".
Speaking of toilets, London is trialling a toilet that appears from nowhere at night to help (male only) revellers relieve themselves before they do it on some poor bastard's doorstep instead (thanks Trish)
Footy commentator compares a player's fall to the collapse of the World Trade Centre (thanks Phil)
A woman is accused of stealing a man's penis. Hmmmm. (thanks Bonni)
Speaking of penises, some bloke under a drug-induced rage decided to lop off his penis (ouch), little finger on his right hand (ouch ouch), his whole left hand (ouch ouch ouch) and his scrotum (a whole bunch more ouches). Ambulance and police officers managed to find all the bits, and the micro surgeons got to work on him.

16-Sep-2002

They're sending a robot to explore the Great Pyramid of Cheops. Presumably any resulting curses or weird mummified creatures will attack the robot rather than the operators...
Fearlessly tracking the origins of smileys :-). Looks like they date back to punch cards and tape...
Usually it's surveys of American school kids that reveal big gaps in geographical knowledge. This time, it's the New Zealanders' turn. (thanks Chris)

9-Sep-2002

Airline Virgin Blue may need to do a little work on their flight plans... their map shows Melbourne in South Australia, Hobart and Launceston on the mainland, Adelaide too far west, and most other cities askew too.
Them Sydneysiders don't do road rage by halves. One bloke was stabbed by his ex-wife, who was a passenger in the car with him. Not surprisingly it somewhat impaired his ability to drive, and he crashed the car.
The Greek government bans all computer games. Yes. All of them.

2-Sep-2002

Remember Vodafone and their sponsorship of streakers? Well satirical newspaper The Chaser has done their take on it... and not surprisingly had the issue banned from distribution because of it.
Anybody out there had a door drop into their back yard recently? An emergency exit hatch went missing off a plane over eastern Melbourne last week. Maybe it made an emergency exit.
US Target withdraws clothes from sale, after someone complains that the "88" logo is supremacistese for "Heil Hitler". Of course, if they'd asked someone Chinese, they'd have said it meant good luck. (Thanks Dan)

26-Aug-2002

Some African athletes came to the Commonwealth Games in Manchester, but don't seem so keen on going back home...
British wildlife experts put a tracking device on a goose... they eventually track it down to an Eskimo's freezer in Canada. (For extra points, who sold the freezer to the Eskimo?)
Cadbury tries their "Too good to share" slogan in India... with a map of disputed territories Jammu and Kasmir. (Thanks Sus)
Now you can wear your departed loved ones as a ring. A company has worked out how to make diamonds out of cremated bodies. (thanks Pratap.. I think)

19-Aug-2002

Damn spammers! While one friend of mine reckons he's actually managed to extract $50 and an apology from one spammer, some anti-spam fighters are finding it tougher. Like the guy who went to court and lost, and now faces a US$7000 payout. (Thanks Tracy)
The policewoman who was really a cross-dressing fraud goes to court. (thanks Mark)
This town in West Texas... well, the first weird thing is that their mayor is a goat. Secondly, it's a democratically elected goat. And thirdly, someone has castrated the mayor! (Thanks Caimin)
An English reporter goes on a mission to try and build a dirty bomb. He didn't get very far, but it was an entertaining read. Interesting that the version published in the Australian media omitted the mention of the Australian Wool Corporation and their practice of irradiating wool for export. Maybe that jumper I bought the other week should have a radioactive symbol, rather than the woolmark?
I'd have to mention the Age article last Wednesday that mentioned this site, wouldn't I? Yep.

12-Aug-2002

This story is a few weeks old now, and I meant to list it a while back... but I can't let it go. A group of overweight Americans have decided to sue McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's and KFC. Quoth one: "I always thought it was good for you. I never thought there was anything wrong with it". And this is the guy who is suffering from diabetes, and has had two heart attacks.
Gotta love tolerance. Ultra-orthodox Jews protest on an El Al aeroplane at the screening of a Ben Affleck movie. Yeah man, Ben Affleck sucks... (Thanks Al)
Mind the gap? A drunken idiot manages to survive, standing in the gap between the platform and a train.
How lucky is this... A woman gets her ATM card stolen. The thief uses it to bet on a horse. The horse wins. The winnings go straight into the woman's account! (Thanks Brian)
The speed of light has slowed down.
If you've ever wondered, here's how to do the perfect pee (our tax dollars at work, folks)

5-Aug-2002

After the world's first successful launch of a hypersonic scramjet engine at Woomera last week, the scientist behind it put the rocket booster on a trailer and towed it home to Queensland in his ute.
Rival Vodafone funded a streaker at Telstra Stadium
Panic at Riyadh airport when... get this... a case is opened, and 300 live cobras escape from it (thanks Brian)

29-Jul-2002

Rasta bus drivers in parts of England now have special headgear to deal with their dreadlocks (thanks Ian)
Bloke who won $17 million dollars isn't letting it go to his head. He's going to pay off his mortgage and buy a ute.
A woman in suburban Melbourne got up this morning to find a kangaroo sitting under her dining room table. Uh oh... her two cats are missing.

22-Jul-2002

Those who watch the condom consumption at the Manchester Commonwealth Games are betting that the New Zealanders will use the most. Apparently Durex is the official supplier to the Games, which leaves me wondering if they'll have that multicoloured logo of three people on each condom. And is it encouraging threesomes? (thanks Mark)
On the subject, looking for a new investment? How about shares in a brothel?
Yahoo censors HTML mail - people sending e-mails about medieval history might find be surprised when it comes out at the other end as medireview history. And there's a bunch of other words that get changed too. Oddly, when I tested it to my yahoo.com.au account, the mail didn't get censored - it got bounced.
China is busy developing its own operating system. They hope in the next year to bring it up to the dizzying standards of Windows 98.
Camilla fucking-Parker Bowles swears all the time, apparently.
Who'd have thought it? The British have been voted the world's rudest tourists. (thanks Vince)

15-Jul-2002

Okay, you remember how the Australian navy was getting a bunch of old helicopters (older than some in museums) designed to fit onto a type of ship that is no longer being built? Well now it turns out that we've also ordered a bunch of torpedoes which are too heavy for the submarines they're going in!
Malaysia bans a Kylie Minogue concert video because it (among others) contributes to rising crime.
...but I doubt they got this from a Kylie video: Malaysian drug addicts are resorting to sniffing cow dung to get high! (Thanks Alec)
Communications Minister Richard Alston is midway through a phone interview where he's telling a radio station how much better the reception is in country areas... when it drops out.
Beware... Mr Whippy can get violent.

8-Jul-2002

Noticed more chalk graffiti on the walls lately? Could be a sign there's some available wireless network access.
Saddam Hussein's stepson shows up... trying to enrol into a flying course in Florida. And he was sent there by Air New Zealand.
The next step in prison reform: fresh vegetables (thanks Heather)

1-Jul-2002

Helping pandas to breed... by showing them panda porn.
Queensland schoolboys produce high quality fake drivers licences to use to get into pubs. One problem: in the photos they used they were wearing their school uniforms. (thanks Pratap and Scott)
A Californian school bans tag, because they say it creates self-esteem issues among slower kids. (thanks Dan)

24-Jun-2002

A three-bedroom air-conditioned house. How much? $7000. Less the first home owners' grant of $7000, equals nothing. Not bad, even if it is in Broken Hill...
Funny seeing all these stories about the shouting match between an MP and Telstra. And on The Age web site, they keep getting accompanied by ads for Telstra themselves. So you have "Tanner: I won't be silenced by Telstra" with "Telstra: Click now to hear the difference". Or even better, "Tanner: I won't be silenced by Telstra" with a Telstra ad for a $10,000 giveaway...
Oasis get into a barney with the army.
Camera crew told off by the Queen for not wearing morning dress in the Royal Enclosure at the Ascot races.

17-Jun-2002

The whole sad saga of the Australian Navy's second-hand Seasprite helicopters. Not only are they up to forty years old... not only are they older than some helicopters of the same type which are in American aircraft museums... not only are they late and over budget... but they were chosen specifically so they could work with a particular type of patrol boat... which was never built.
NZ Transvestite poses as a policewoman, complete with uniform, handcuffs and pepper spray. (thanks Mark)
The census results have started being released... but how many of us are Jedi???

10-Jun-2002

Swaziland's King Mswati III marries two women in one week... bringing his wife count to nine. (thanks Heather)
Randy dolphins in the water off Dorset (thanks Mark)
Bursting into the enlightened times of the 1960s, a school in Columbus, Georgia holds an integrated prom (for both blacks and whites) for the first time. (thanks Nancy)
A drunken L-plater crossing a railway line makes a left hand turn... onto the tracks and into North Williamstown Station. And presumably having realised his mistake, what does he do? Reverse back onto the road? No, he manages to drive another sixty metres before the car gets stuck.
Jeff Kennett, much loathed ex-premier of Victoria (and voted by Toxic Custard readers as Bastard Of The Year 1992) has a gargoyle modelled on him at St Patrick's Cathedral.

3-Jun-2002

Euch story of the week - a woman found dead in her bathtub had been there for... ooh, about two months. (thanks David... I think)
Watch out if you're copying discs... there is now a fatwa on piracy!

27-May-2002

Au contraire Mrs Sinclair aka Mrs Fawlty - your husband was bonkers, claims a former waitress who worked for you.
A man catches a taxi. From Brisbane. To Adelaide. Since it cost him $5500 and took four days, and since he only did it because they wouldn't let him on the plane, I wonder why on earth he didn't catch a train? Would be much more relaxing, and cheaper.
British cops banned from saying "nitty gritty" because it may have originated in the 18th century slave trade.
How to hack copyright-protected CDs... with a marker pen (thanks Dan). This is terrible. This means we're at real risk of hearing more Celine Dion.
NTK point out that some of them work in some CD players anyway.

20-May-2002

Beatrice Sinclair has a go at John Cleese, claiming the hotel she helped run was nothing like Fawlty Towers. And presumably that she was nothing like Sybil. "I regard John Cleese as a complete and utter fool. He's held my family up to ridicule and made a lot of money doing it." Hmmmmm.
Big plane. Little plane. Big plane flying around skyscrapers. Little plane is jet fighter, following it. Everybody panic! Oh. It's only the RAAF. Doing a photo shoot. Uh huh.
World Wildlife Fund wrestles the WWF acronym away from the World Wrestling Federation, who have now become the WWE instead.
NASA wants your PC to put bits in the Space Shuttles! But only if it's got an 8086 chip in it. That's right, not a 486, or a 386, or even a 286, but a zero-86. (thanks Davy)

13-May-2002

A man is fined for attacking a dog and three police officers. The dog got him a $400 fine. The three police got him a $200 each. So apparently it's twice as economical to beat up a cop as it is a dog. Hmmm.
Idiots work themselves into a lather, claiming without a hint of irony or literary knowledge that the title of forthcoming Lord of the Rings film "The Two Towers" is obviously a reference to September 11. It seems to have started as a massive troll, and picked up some numbskulls along the way.
Speaking of which, look, it's Gandalf the floating fish! (Thanks Stuart)

6-May-2002

Three navy warships dock in Perth, and proceed to exhaust the local brothel workers. Afterwards the manager shuts the place down for a week to allow everyone to have a rest. (Thanks Stuart and others)
To ensure that girls attending a school dance were not wearing inappropriate underwear, they had to show it at the door... in front of male classmates, who (knowing what teenage boys are like) must have thought it was their lucky day. (Thanks Nancy)
Pirates in the Straights of Hormuz decide to try and board a boat. Which turns out to be the US Navy USNS Walter S. Diehl. Oops. (Thanks Mike)

29-Apr-2002

British plane spotters found guilty by the Greek courts - not of being boring nerdy people who like writing down numbers of planes, but for espionage, no less!
Surgeons in Georgia replace a man's penis with... his middle finger. Giving the finger could take on an entirely new meaning. (Thanks... uhh, whoever it was. Maybe Chris.)
Tobacco company Philip Morris introduces a no-smoking policy.
I am amazed they let this photo of golfer Cristie Kerr get into the press.

22-Apr-2002

Sometimes people joke about clueless tourists. Well did you hear the one about the Japanese backpackers who inadvertently walked through Bethlehem and almost into the middle of the Israeli/Palestinian siege at the Church of the Nativity. They might not have noticed anything, but some friendly reporters in flak jackets pointed out that it was not a great place to be. (Thanks Tim)
Beanz meanz... vegies. Apparently tinned baked beans now count towards vegetable intake... at least as far as the British government is concerned.
Could this sign, allegedly pointing to the Yass (NSW) McDonalds, be real? If so, someone didn't realise how it could be read. Any of our readers in the vicinity care to comment?
Some guy was trying to finish the London marathon in a full diving outfit. Yeah. 'Cos that's a really good idea. (Thanks Chris)

15-Apr-2002

Amazing! Queen Mother not on BBC News web site front page for the first time in weeks!
But I have new respec' for da Queen Mum and the whole of the Windsor Massive, since reading about her Ali G impersonation.
This sounds like a mighty fine thing for a thirsty day... Cascade to release "the Grange of beers"
Oh, that sounds like a good idea... sending giant millipedes in the mail.

8-Apr-2002

Latest reports confirm: Queen Mother still dead.
The Indian police discontinue their "P-Mail" carrier pigeon service.
EverQuest - the computer game so addictive it's commonly known as EverCrack, is blamed on a game addict's suicide.
Meanwhile, EverQuest's land of Norrath is richer than Bulgaria!
Ladies and gentlemen of New Mexico, just a quick reminder that West Wing is fictional.

1-Apr-2002

Latest reports confirm: Queen Mother still dead.
Melbourne to Ballarat train... stopped by millipedes.
Great Britain has a Hoon in charge of its armed forces. That's a bit of a worry. (Thanks Stewart)
Police raid a man's house after a neighbour reports seeing a corpse. Turns out to be a sex doll.

25-Mar-2002

Want wings or horns? There's a plastic surgeon who's working on it.
Condoms don't grow on trees you know. You might find them hanging from trees in certain parts of the country, but they don't grow there.
The PC police work overtime: a pre-St Patrick's Day pub crawl is accused of being "anti-Irish, anti-Catholic and racist". (thanks Daniel)
Robber claims "My evil twin did it!" If only he had a twin.

18-Mar-2002

A school bans the application of bandaids, apparently to avoid litigation. I think I'd prefer it if my kids were going to get a bandaid on any cut they might get, rather than have the teachers stand around saying "sorry, can't do anything; the lawyers might get us".
Six months after September 11th, the US Immigration And Naturalization Service approves student visas for two of the hijackers.
Scandal hits the Northern Territory, after a government staffer claims he and his girlfriend snuck into the parliamentary chamber and had sex on the Speaker's chair!

11-Mar-2002

Nice one guys. A couple of weeks ago, a leadership skills course for KFC went a bit wrong, when a fire walking exercise caused 30 managers to have tender fried feet - presumably without the secret herbs and spices - and be carted off by a fleet of 11 ambulances.
And this story so lovely I'll just quote the first paragraph: A nurse's aide hit a homeless man with her car, drove home with him stuck headfirst in her broken windscreen, then ignored his cries for help as he bled to death in her garage.
Don't worry about the proposed expansion of the toxic waste site... the authorities reckon it could be a tourist attraction!
Oh, and apparently 120 police in Victoria got speeding fines last year.

4-Mar-2002

Microsoft has renamed their "Critical Update Notification Tool" to be a Utility, instead of a Tool. Probably just as well. (For the moment the old version is still in the Google cache)
A guy on the run blames police for the frostbite he got while hiding from them (thanks Dan).
Anti-spam campaigners trying to use a 400 year old law to battle spam (thanks Alan).

25-Feb-2002

How many metaphors can a politician mix into one statement? Simon Crean's done well - with the rotten apple, cream not rising, and a smoking gun.
Peter Reith doesn't seem to have a lot of luck with telephones. First it was the Telecard (yeah, I'll just give my taxpayer funded Telecard number to my son to use on his world travels - that sounds like a good idea), how he claims to have misheard a critical defence report on his mobile phone. Lucky he wasn't getting a message about an invasion fleet or something.
Britain invades Spain by mistake. Maybe they got directions to the landing site on their mobile phones? I love the bit where it says they left after being spoken to by a couple of policemen. (Thanks Sunita)
Apparently BBC Radio 1 hasn't heard of delay systems for live broadcasts. That's about as stupid as getting Ali G on your radio show and expecting him not to say rude stuff.

18-Feb-2002

Watch out world: the new series of Bananas In Pyjamas is here, and producer Virginia Lumsden says "this time we have tried to simplify the storylines so the quintessential 'bananaishness' has room to move." There you go. That could be the first and last time you ever get to read the word bananaishness.
Snickers! New Jersey! A bloke is convicted of murdering his girlfriend because he thought she was about to say "New Jersey". That's right he thought she was about to say it. She didn't actually say it. He just thought she was going to. Now, did anybody say "mattress" to Mr Lambert? (Thanks Troy)
New Zealand Telecom pops an extra item on James Storrie's phone bill: NZ$337.50 "penalty for being an arrogant bastard". Investigations have centred how this got onto the bill, not on whether or not Mr Storrie is in fact an arrogant bastard. (Thanks Pratap)
And just what palaeontologists have been waiting for all these years: the discovery of dinosaur vomit. (Thanks Stuart)

11-Feb-2002

Of all the colours, UPS is going overboard with brown. In fact they claim - no really - to have launched the "biggest, brownest ad campaign ever"
Teletubbies invade China as "Antenna Babies". Worth reading the story if only to re-live Jerry Falwell's accusations of Tinky Winky "modelling the gay lifestyle".
Out in the forest camping in the cold? Here's a hint: if you see strange cylinders that are melting the snow, don't take them back to your camp for warmth. They may turn out to be chock full of strontium- 90. (Thanks Chris)
Train driver turns the train back because he doesn't know the way. Yeah, like he had to steer it. (Thanks Gerrit)

4-Feb-2002

This is undoubtedly a very cool invention: a kind of "plastic" wrapping that is so biodegradable, it actually disintegrates in water. Not sure about the proposal to make supermarket bags out of it though. Walking home in the rain with the shopping would become something of an ordeal.
Robert Hughes' car wreck... made into a piece of art?!

28-Jan-2002

New terrorist threat - Al Qantas and their industrial espionage.
A British man claims victory against crappy train buffet car meals! How? By ordering a takeaway from a restaurant in the next town!
Then of course, there's the story of the woman who got trapped in an aeroplane toilet. Who flushes before they get up, anyway?! (Thanks Stuart)
Off for a run for a couple of hours. In the nude. And he got sent to jail, too. So obviously it stood up in court. (Thanks Phil)
Oh yuck. Check your coffee mug carefully, you never know who's been using it. (Thanks Greg. Uhh, I think)

21-Jan-2002

Good grief. A woman asks for A$619,300 a month in child support.
Someone messes up and a plaque to honour James Earl Jones instead becomes one for James Earl Ray (the assassin of Martin Luther King). Hey, do all these guys have three names?
We always knew they were superior, now Tim Tams are helping to unite the Middle East.
At Greensborough plaza, someone hacks into a weighing machine and makes it leave remarks like "get off fat pig" and "You are a little overweight. Fat cunt." on the tickets. (This one even made it onto CNN).

14-Jan-2002

Is this, or is this not, the coolest computer clock you have ever seen? (Shame it doesn't seem to know about summer time). Err, okay, so it's not really news. Umm. No. Just a cool thing. Yeah.
The anti-spam world is laughing with glee at the exploits of one Bernard Shifman. Join in the fun. (You know, I'm sure I got one of his spams once too.)
Ah.. some real news. A woman managing a motel in Sussex Inlet lets bushfire-evacuated locals and tourists stay overnight for free. The motel owners aren't too happy about this, and sack her. Thanks guys, you're all heart.
Biggest D'OH! of the week - workers at Sydney Airport unload a plane the wrong way, and BUMP it falls backwards onto its tail.

7-Jan-2002

Harry Potter is a masterpiece of satanic deception, don't you know. So the Christ Community Church in Alamogordo, New Mexico has done the sensible thing, and held a public book burning ceremony. Threw some Shakespeare and AC/DC records and ouija boards on too for good measure. Hey wait a minute -- what were they doing with this stuff in the first place?
September 11th and the killing of chickens are equally tragic?! Hmm, yeah, right.
You'd think policemen would know to secure their weapons. Especially from their own kids.
Morons.org announces the top ten moronic stories of 2001!
Elvis saves!

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Toxic Custard: The News you had to have