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Toxic Custard Workshop Files Doctor Who - Revenge of the Unrealistatrons

Part 1

[View of some spaceship or isolated underwater base where there's a bunch of warmongering but hopeless humans about to get fried by some bunch of monsters, but who are totally unable to call for help from elsewhere. Inside dozens of people in silly uniforms sit at computers and walk around prodding machinery, going about their various duties.]

COMMANDER FLEGGLE: Officer Sega, arm the glutonic missile sprocket, rewire the circuit produceivers, reprogram the database mullifier and make me a cup of hydrated prune juice.

SEGA: Yes Commander.

COMMANDER FLEGGLE: And give me the latest report on that mysterious unidentified object you've been tracking. You know, the one that is so weird because it appears to be organic matter, and powered by baked beans.

[Meanwhile, on the baddies spaceship/submarine/control deck, the Unrealistatrons prepare for attack. Two inside the room are real, the rest are cardboard cut-outs. These costume budgets are a bugger, aren't they!]

UNREALISTATRON 1: (very deep alien-type voice. Yep, another race of aliens who speak perfect English. What's the galaxy coming to?) Are the rubber suits with antennae attached ready?


UNREALISTATRON 1: (with great relish) Excellent. Prepare for attack. Arm the pathetibomb.

UNREALISTATRON 2: The pathetibomb is armed, leader.

UNREALISTATRON 1: (with great relish) Excellent. Fire the pathetibomb.

UNREALISTATRON 3 (Cardboard cut-out): Yes leader.

UNREALISTATRON 1: (with great relish and a little mustard) Excellent.

[In a corridor on the human craft, the TARDIS arrives with a quaint old sound-effect. The Doctor steps out, with his platonic companion, who is naturally a human with a very silly name. The last Doctor Who companion with a normal name was Sarah Jane Smith in 1975]

JANYETTE: Where are we, Doctor?

DOCTOR: On some sort of base, in the 21st or 22nd century. Two super-powers are poised at war, just like back in the 1980s and 90s.

[A guard comes around the corner.]

GUARD: Halt! Don't move! You will be treated with extreme suspicion until the second episode of the story, when we will start to believe that you're not really working with the aliens, but are innocent time-travellers roaming through time and space within 30 miles and 27 years of the BBC Television Centre. You will then help us to defeat the aliens, preferably in a peaceful way so that we will see the errors of our ways and a positive peaceful message is passed on to the viewers. But for now, I'm taking you to the command deck. Move!

[The human's base command deck]

SEGA: Commander Fleggle, we're under attack!

COMMANDER FLEGGLE: Battle stations! Everyone to your positions! Start the glutonic missile countdown on the big screen at the front of the studio so we can go to a strong apocalyptic-type cliff-hanger at the end of this episode!

GUARD (Entering, with Doctor and Janyette): Commander, I have found these spies!

DOCTOR: We're not spies, honest. Didn't you see the last episode? We always coincidentally bungle into battlezones and get suspected of spying.

COMMANDER FLEGGLE: I don't trust you. What do you think, Nintendo?

NINTENDO: Well, they could be telling the truth...

COMMANDER FLEGGLE: Nonsense. I won't believe that before episode two. They're spies. And you know what that means when we're at war.

SEGA: The aliens have launched a pathetibomb, Commander!

DOCTOR: Good grief. The Unrealistatrons!

JANYETTE: You know them?

DOCTOR: I dealt with them before. Many years ago, I...

SEGA: Oh shut up, smart arse. Commander, we're in trouble! The glutonic missile is about to go off, an alien pathetibomb is heading straight for us, and the zip on my costume is stuck!

COMMANDER FLEGGLE: Quiet Sega! Now, you two are spies, and the legal conditions made up by the writer give me the power to have you executed. Guard! Perform the cliff-hanger.

JANYETTE: (Scream) Doctor, do something!

[Close up of the Doctor's face, as the guard comes towards him with a kerosene heater refill attachment. Roll credits.]

  Part 2

Toxic Custard Workshop Files