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A modified version of swimming for when you either just don't feel like actual swimming, have a paranoid fear of sharks or man-eating tuna, or have happened to arrive at the beach with a severe lack of bathing apparatus.


Structure of astounding simplicity. In terms of building and design, you can't get much simpler than a wall. Actually, no, I'm wrong, a floor is simpler to build. Because you don't have to worry about it falling over. Because it already has. Floors generally have very little job satisfaction, because it entails letting people walk all over them.


Small container for carrying vital items such as credit cards, money, etc. Wallets traditionally vanish from your person at the most inconvenient time, resulting in you making a futile tour of your pockets looking for it, despite knowing full well you've left it at home.

Wallets are also the traditional home for at least several dozen automatic teller slips, business cards from people you can't remember meeting, receipts of all shapes and sizes, and various other papers hidden in the more out-of-the-way pockets. Regular cleaning (say, every six months) will result in great pleasure as your wallet suddenly loses three-quarters of its weight and thickness, and it becomes possible again to carry it in your back pocket and walk at the same time.


The second rhythm button from the left. Doo ch ch Doo ch ch...


I think Frankie Goes To Hollywood had it right. Put the leaders - the actual people who've insulted each others' grandmothers or whatever - in the ring, and let them beat the shit out of each other. And after the claims and counter-claims of steroids have been dismissed, we'd have a winner.

Of course, us voters would soon realise what was going to happen if they didn't have strong leaders. John Major would be out. Japan's PM would be replaced with a Sumo wrestler. Bill Clinton might stand a chance if he keeps working out - but no more McDonalds. China would find someone who isn't due for a pension. And as for Australia, Keating might be good at calling people scumbags and recalcitrants, but I reckon we might get Bronwyn Bishop before too long. Yeah... stick the knee in, Bronwyn!


An activity that, if men had their way, would only be done once or twice a month. Down beneath it all, most men would much rather cover themselves in mud and walk around in skins. Which explains the popularity of football.


Water is generally described as wet. It is known by scientifically-minded people to be made up of H2O. The H stands for Ham, the O stands for Onion, and the 2 indicates there is about twice as much ham as onion, which makes for a very delicious sandwich indeed.

See also: Jesus


Environmental conditions which necessitate the wearing of whatever article/s of clothing you just happen not to have brought with you. This is because weather has an average unpredictability factor of 97%.


One of those places where noisy men hang around chewing tobacco and swearing and going on strike a lot.

The complete opposite of a marina.


That time of year that everyone hates despite initially welcoming it after a long summer. Except for people who live so close to the equator that they don't notice the difference. Lucky bastards.


Futile optimistic desire for something.


Some things do worry me - like the balding bearded guy on the train this morning reading "The Problem of Population". He looked like in between stamp collecting he was seriously considering genocide.


A be very humble to someone else, in the vain hope that they will grant you a wish. Worship may involve icons, idols, sacrifices, large cheques sent to the Bahamas, prayer, and drinking Kool-aid.

One of the more unusual practices of worship took place amongst the Pangoylegoatsoup Sect of the early 1920s. These were a bunch of people so frightened of the imminent rise of the Anti-Christ, Byllierae Sirus, that they ritually set fire to their own hair, and chased shaven goats through the streets. Some dismissed them as loonies, but who's laughing now, eh?!?


Incorrect, erroneous. Generally, the things that are most likely to be wrong are those which you feel the most confident about. This confidence has usually led you to proclaim it is an undeniable fact to all and sundry, and to generally stake your reputation/life/fortune on it.

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Appendices

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