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A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Appendices


UFO

Unidentified Flying Object. Also known by the acronym ACATMTTSAFMCAMMFFDOMLAIPIMSAMMP (Aliens Came And Took Me To Their Spaceship And Fed Me Cornflakes And Made Me Forget Five Days Of My Life And Inserted Probes Into My Skull And Made Me Pregnant.)

It is now almost certain that UFOs were specifically designed to enable poor country-folk to rip off current affairs shows. Actually, most UFOs are considerably smaller than flying saucers, and are usually attributed to overhead seagulls.


Ultra

Prefix invented by marketing people. Used when "very" just isn't adequate. "Ultra" is actually quite old hat, most reputable marketing people having moved on to "mega". But be careful, because "mega" comes from the Greek, and they might want it back.


Umbrella

An object of amazing qualities. Umbrellas are even more adept at detaching themselves from their owners than stationery. They also send out subconscious thoughts to their owners. On days when it will rain, they urge "leave me at home... it won't rain... it will be dry..." And on days when it will be sunny and bright all day they claim "well, it might rain. Sky looks a little cloudy... you wouldn't want to get soaked, would you..." Many believe that umbrellas are in league with the Weather Bureau, who for years have contrived to cause weather harassment.


Up

Direction. To move up is to defy gravity for a short time, after which a plunging downward motion will follow. (See Investment).


Urchin

Descriptive of a mischievous child, especially a boy, who has not destroyed any of your property. An urchin who has destroyed some of your property is more properly known as a "little bastard that I'm gonna lynch if I get my hands on him..."


Urine

What, you want this prestigious journal to sink to the level of the gutter (or even the sewer), by resorting to getting a few cheap laughs by talking about matters pertaining to piss? By discussing discharge? By explaining excreta? Not a hope. But I will launch into a brief tirade of naughty words: Bum Bum Bum Bum Farty Anus Foreskin Buttock!!


Usher

Formerly a person who would escort the audiences to their seats, cinema ushers are now relegated to clearing out the snogging teenagers in the back-row who haven't realised the film has ended. If you ever feel intimidated by over-zealous ushers, just look them in the eye and try to estimate how much more money you earn.(*)

(*) If you don't, then accusing them of fascist leanings may be the correct course of action. Or not.


A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Appendices

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