This web site is no longer being actively updated. More information.
TCWF Toxic Custarpedia

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Appendices


Samurai

Historically, a Japanese military retainer. Now the attracter of an abnormal amount of attention from young teenage boys, action film producers, and others stuck in their puberty.


Sand

Small grains of rock, which turn up everywhere for weeks after you've been to the beach.


Sceptic tank

A new type of plumbing device. Once you flush, it looks at the situation and says "gee, I dunno guv, I'm not sure I can get that big turd down the S bend. Just that little too big, know what I mean? Looks very dodgy to me."


Schema

What you call a diagram when it gets too complicated and impressive to be called a diagram.


Sea

Where fish fingers come from.


Seattle

City in the north-western United States, in the state of Washington. This should not be confused with Washington DC, which is a city in the north-east. People who've failed geography claim that 93% of places in the United States are named after George Washington.

Rock music experts predict that by 2020, all musicians will be from Seattle.


Semester

A university half-year, especially designed so that the first ten or so weeks are piss-easy, followed by about four weeks of assignment/revision/exam absolute misery.


Shakespeare, William

(1564-1616)

William Shakespeare will probably be regarded as the playwright of the millenium. His works are among the best known in the English language. Excerpts from some of Shakespeare's works can be found in the Toxic Custard Shakespeare.


ShampooShampoo

Although shampoo is designed to clean hair, its name gives away its true make-up: artificial shit. For centuries the aristocracy continually got very annoyed, and beheaded the shit-sodden peasants for having less dandruff than they did. Then about two hundred years ago they realised that mixing shit into your hair was actually one of the best ways to get rid of dandruff. Of course, the cosmetics companies couldn't market real shit as a hair cleaner, so chemists came up with an artificial version.


Shop

A location where money can be exchanged for goods. The price paid for goods is usually slightly higher than the price advertised for the same goods by a different shop the week after. Sometimes the purchaser can try to get around this and return the goods, often by using a combination of (a) the receipt and (b) a sob story about having bought the wrong thing for a friend. But most purchasers, when in this situation, don't bother, because the time and effort taken to find the receipt and make up the sob story usually don't make it worth the trouble.

Some cities have Shopping Centres or Malls. These are big enclosed places with a large number of shops inside them, which seem to attract an unusually high proportion of teenagers. Their other major feature is that they are one of the few public places where the toilets are usually clean.


Shotgun

Inspector Unnecessary-Violence's preferred method of persuasion.


Siren

Originally a sea-nymph whose songs lured sailors to their death, a siren is now a loud wailing noise that goes off all the time and that everyone ignores because they hope its only a test.


Special guests

What used to be known as a support act. When listening to support acts at concerts, look out for the drunken teenager nearby who has decided that he doesn't like them, and is demanding almost incomprehensibly that they "geeeeett offffff!" This demand will even continue between bands, when the PA is playing music off one of the roadies' CDs. When the main act actually comes on, he will follow this up with "oooiiyaaaaaeeaahh!" type screaming (now identified as being a regression to ancient caveman hunting calls), shouting himself hoarse in the vain hope that the star hears him and will be moved to personally come up to his seat and say hello. And of course clapping along with the songs, half a second out of sync, while gently swaying in the breeze of the indoor auditorium.


Stationery

Objects such as pens, pencils, stapler and sticky-tape. These have been studied over the last few years, and it has now been confirmed that they are able to move around a house or office on their own.


Steering Committee

Picture a huge semi-trailer, hurtling uncontrolled down the road... and inside the vast cab, is the steering committee, trying to pass a motion to swerve to avoid a little old lady.

"I would like to put forward a motion to steer 10 degrees left, to dodge the little old lady."

"Any seconders? Objections...?"

"Well, I'm uncertain at this point as to the potential viability of such a move. It would almost certainly involve indicator loadings, excess steering wheel turning, and the need for specialist mirror engineers to check the traffic in the next lane. I would propose cost-benefit analysis..."

*Squish*

"... ah well, I think the point may now be academic. But let's formulate a review study of the situation, in order that..."


Supermarket

Supermarket supervisors obviously have no idea how to manage the queues to the check-outs. It's tempting when you're waiting to grab a PA microphone and shout "Yes, shoppers, don't leave yet, 'cos we've got mega bargains now! All breakfast cereal, meat and dairy produce bought in the next fifteen minutes is 90% off! Stock up now!" Wait thirty seconds and all the queues will have disappeared.

I sometimes get quite infuriated in supermarkets. Keep me off the roads - people are in enough trouble when they get in the way of my trolley. Some of them leave their shopping trolleys in the middle of the aisle. Next time that happens I'm gonna move it for them and then watch as they try to work out where they left it.

I dream that one day they'll turn the whole supermarket into one big one-way system. "Hey, too bad if you don't want dog food because you haven't got a dog... too bad! You gotta go via the dog food anyway! What'dya mean you forgot the eggs... too late now! You'll just have to go around again! See you in hell, shopper! You there! Trying to climb over the frozen food section to get back to the shampoo! Get down here now! Reg - get the shotgun! ... <BANG> ... Your attention shoppers, due to an... incident in the frozen food section, all shoppers will be detoured via hygiene products. We apologise for any inconvenience. Do not attempt to enter the frozen food section. Thank you for shopping at Dangerousway."


A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Appendices

Toxic Custard Workshop Files Toxic Custarpedia