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TCWF Toxic Custarpedia

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Linguistic formulations designed to disseminate knowledge on a technical level.


To carelessly cross a road, in order to either commit suicide messily, or just generally scare the shit out of motorists. The opposite of this is jaydrive, which is to obliviously stop your car at traffic lights while completely blocking the pedestrian crossing. Research has shown that around 3% of drivers actually know that the thick line in front of the crossing is the one your bonnet is meant to be behind, rather than the one your back wheels are to stop at.


To attack mercilessly with a knife. Also means to be as ugly as a fifty litre tub of rotting lard. With pigs entrails dripping from it.

See also: Haggis

Jehovah's Witnesses

There are a number of ways to get rid of Jehovah's Witnesses, even without moving into the hugely popular area of physical violence. The first is to explain that you are the devil's love-child, and invite them in to have their souls devoured. Another is to briefly describe a hole in the spare room floor through which you can see red flames, and hear screams of anguished souls. But the best sure fire way is just to say you're Jewish.


(6 B.C. - 30 A.D.) (*)

From all accounts, despite being the major inspiration for Christianity, a thoroughly nice bloke.

Jesus, of course, never dated - can you imagine him taking a girl home to meet his parents? "Janice, this is my mother, Mary, and my step-father, Joseph. And my father is umm... omnipresent. I mean, that is to say, my real father is... ummm... kind of... God."

(*) Am I the only one who thinks this is a bit silly?

Jingle Bells

The device used to signal that a fat bearded man is arriving on a sled flown by reindeers, and is about to descend down your chimney and leave something for the kids. Huh. If I went around doing that, I wouldn't be making noise about it.


A medieval game, where two knights would climb into armour, climb on horses, and try and knock each other off their horses using lances. It's all male-domination symbolism, of course. The armour is an illusion of the safety of the womb. The horse is the down-trodden woman, and the lance is the ultimate phallic symbol. C'mon, admit it fellas, haven't you always wanted to climb onto the back of your women, and try to knock each other off with your penises?


For the coordinated amongst us. The uncoordinated should stick to Marbles.


Area far too dense with wildlife to be of any interest to those of a civilised disposition. Much better to knock it down, flatten it out, concrete it over and build medium density housing over it. Much nicer.

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