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What water becomes if you freeze it. The main uses of ice are to cool down drinks with, place down people's backs, and economical housing for Eskimos.

See also: Celsius, gas.


A politer word for stupidity. If you are accused of incompetence, just remember, it is far better to be incompetent than incontinent.


Now let's make it clear. Incontinence is not something to be laughed at. It is a very serious and discomforting condition. It can't be easy walking around with large amounts of urine wanting to leap into the outside world at every step. Incontinence can be fatal, too - yes, people have drowned.

The most serious outbreak of incontinence occurred at the Fourth Annual International Incontinence Conference, which the organisers had unfortunately booked into an underground concrete lined conference centre with below average drainage facilities. After the stairs collapsed, all the delegates remaining in the building went to a pissy grave.


If you are expecting a large inheritance when your grandparents snuff it, have you considered investing it in the Custard Unit Trust? The Custard Unit Trust has the full endorsement of the author of Toxic Custard, and has a guaranteed return of 20%(*).

Custard Unit Trust has many and varied investments, but specialises in putting money into many of the best alcoholic beverage corporations and gambling establishments of this country.

For a copy of the prospectus entitled "Throw Your Money Our Way", lodged with the Consumer Affairs Department in August 1993, ring Freecall 1800-123456.

(*) This means that you are guaranteed to get 20% of your investment back.


Medical procedure especially developed to scare the shit out of the patient, and give the doctor a feeling of power. "Just sit very still, Mr Jones, while I stick this bloody great needle in you. Now, is that new, or did I use it on that drug addict... No no, fairly sure it's a new one. Just sit still Mr Jones. You may feel unbearable pain as the spike rips through your skin. If you wish to scream so the patients in the waiting room can hear you, please do so."


Insecticide is a wondrous substance used to kill poor little innocent insects, whose only fault is that they like crapping in your food, nibbling on your skin, and buzzing around. But why use conventional insecticide when you can use DDT?! From a real advert for DDT, circa 1947:

"To keep your dog free of fleas and protected from ticks, dust him once a month with Taylor's Number 13 DDT Powder. Happy dog - he can't bring fleas into the house anymore!"

...because he's outside dying on the lawn, no doubt. Rover! Get up! And put your fur back on!


The best way to make use of any product you should obtain is to read the instructions. However, the most fun way to make use of a product is just to go ahead and open the box, play around with it, plug it in (if necessary), and generally screw around. While this method may work for objects of simplicity, it is an accepted fact by most great civilisations that reading the instructions will usually aid you in making full use of the product.

Just in case you missed them when you started reading Toxic Custard, here are the instructions:

1. Take your new Toxic Custard out of the box, and check that all the parts are present. (Main heading, body, dividing hyphens, back-issues plug, signature)

2. Place the dividing hyphens at suitable places within the body, taking care to ensure that topics are kept apart.

3. Insert the main heading above the body.

4. Append the back-issues plug and signature in that order, below the body. Slot disclaimer A into signature B.

Problem solving:

If you have problems reading your Toxic Custard, before calling for service, please ensure that you are not wasting everybody's time and generally being an ignorant consumer by making sure that:

- all jokes contain sufficient puns

- your Toxic Custard is not overrun by innuendo

- no obsolete sideways messages have made their way into the text

- the signature includes a (probably useless) copyright message


Another one of those words that no-one of any importance ever uses. Probably devised by the same guy who thought up "recalcitrant". In fact, the sort of word that is more sensibly expressed using one or more other words that people can actually understand.


Any distinctive doctrine, theory or practice.


Belief in any distinctive doctrine, theory or practice. Ismism was started up in the mid-1980s by a splinter group from "Atheists For Christ". Ismism meetings gained quick popularity, and Ismism leader Ralph Snider travelled the world promoting his paper "Why I Argue A Lot". The followers of Ismism are generally agreed to be very confused people.


Simple spelling game which can get a little boring if played consistently for more than four hours at a time. So boring, in fact, that you may feel the necessity to play not "I-Spy", but "I-Hit", a game which runs more or less like this-:

Person 1: "I hit with my little fist, something beginning with H"

Person 2: "Erm.. head?"

Person 1: "Correct!"

Person 2: "Ouch!"

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Appendices

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