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The mass of skin, teeth and other parts that form the front section of the head. Faces can be arranged in any number of combinations, for differing reactions, such as horror, nausea, and laughter.

Facial hair can be allowed to grow, principally by men who:

- want to look like folk-singers

- make up for the lack of hair on the rest of their head

- just can't be bothered shaving.

The increasingly popular "goatee" beard still looks really silly to me, I'm afraid. The remainder of the face is generally made up of two eyes, a mouth, and a nose. Someone should tell the people who make Lego.


To drop in altitude rapidly. Audible responses to sudden falling should be made as follows:

    -----------------    --------------------------------
    Mountain climbing    Oh shit, I'm going to die
    Aeronautics          Oh shit, we're all going to die
    Stockmarket          Oh shit, we're all going to have
                            heavily reduced equity

Fartborough, Lord


English statesman. He lived all his life at Fartborough Hall, in Essex. Fartborough is best remembered for his resounding posterior evacuations, from which the most obvious word is coined. Their resonation with the brickwork of Fartborough Hall eventually caused its collapse, burying Lord Fartborough at last with his revolting odour.


Research has now shown that Fat is actually an alien life-form that travels the galaxy, looking for other beings to attach itself to. Fat beings first arrived on Earth in the late 1960s, attracted by signals sent into space by the Graceland Observatory in the US. Fat beings are now found in most areas of the world, but mostly attached to Maggie Tabberrer. There are theories that the dispersion of Fat beings from one's body may be achieved by performing diet and exercise rituals, but this is pure speculation.


Term used by weathermen when they don't really know what it's going to be like. Of course, if the rest of us made as many mistakes in our jobs as weathermen do in theirs, the entire world would be a disaster area. "Well guv, I expect if we use this plastic pretend bolt to hold up this building, the structure will be FINE with possible later collapse on Thursday."


Red and/or yellow hot thing. Don't touch.


The fifth number, except for computer people, who always seem to count from zero. The number five was first conquered in the sixth century BC by Pythagorus, who was taking time off on his theorem to enter a counting competition. He came first, breaking the world counting record of the time, and subsequently appeared in the Ginthorus Book Of Records.

Freud, Sigmund


Austrian gynaecologist and founder of psychoanalysis. And a down-right pervvy. Recently uncovered archives have helped modern psychology students to understand Freud's work.

- Ah, my boy, so you are back again for your diagnosis. Come in, come in.

- Well, the thing is that I spoke to another doctor.

- Vot do zay know, my boy. Zay have not the experience in clinical psychology zat I do! I got HD for PSY192! Now! To your diagnosis.

- Um, actually I don't think I...

- Now, you have big problems my boy. Big big big big problems.

- Yes I know, I've got a broken leg, and I can't walk properly.

- No no no, my boy. I have been investigating your subconcious, and I have come to the conclusion that you had a repressed childhood. But more significant than that, your broken leg is caused by severe sexual problems.

- What?

- A combination of childhood experience, psycho-semitic disorders and a guilt feeling in your subconcious has caused your leg to reject the leadership of your brain, and attempt suicide, thus, breaking itself.

- You're not serious.

- My boy, zis is very serious! I have consulted past case books, and have come to the conclusion that much of your brain is convinced that you are turning into a frog.

- Rebbit.

- On ze other hand, I could be wrong...

Frick, Mr

The most unfortunate name for a school teacher in the universe.


No, I don't want to put the rhyme in.


Oh, okay then. Here it is. This is a genuinely real rhyme, written by person or persons unknown, about a genuine school teacher, called Mr Frick, whose class I was once in at primary school.

  Mr Frick had a ten foot dick,
  He showed it to the lady next door.
  She thought it was a snake,
  And hit it with a rake,
  And now it's only three feet four.


You've just been waiting for this definition, haven't you. Here is how to use the word 'fuck' in almost any conversation.

    ---------------------            ------------------
    I am surprised                   Well, fuck me
    Please go away quickly           Fuck off
    My condition is one of fatigue   I'm fucked
    You seem to have made an error
      of judgement                   You fucked up
    Stop engaging in frivolous
      activities                     Stop fucking about
    He is a person of below
      average intellect              What a dumb fucker
    That option is not a suitable
      choice                         Fuck that
    I have not made significant
      progress                       I've done fuck all
    That person is of below average
      intelligence, and has
      opinions that I disagree
      strongly with                  What a fuckwit

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