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TCWF Toxic Custarpedia

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Celsius, Anders

(1701-1744)

Swedish astronomer. At the age of 25, he had a raging argument with best friend Gabriel Daniel Fahrenheit (1686-1736) when he claimed that Fahrenheit's system of measuring temperature was completely fucked, and that he could design a better system whilst standing on his head blindfolded in a bucket of lard. Fahrenheit rose to the challenge, bringing along his friend Jeff Imperial, a blindfold, and a very large bucket of lard. Celsius's good friend Verner Von Metric stood by as Celsius designed his system of measuring temperature. Celsius and Metric then got into a huge fight with Fahrenheit and Imperial, and they ended up throwing ice cubes and boiling water at one another. It was only later that they realised that Celsius's brother Kelvin had been watching all the time and had ripped off the new design and sold it to an entrepreneur.


ChocolateChocolate

Truly the most wondrous substance in the whole universe. One day they will discover that chocolate can be used to power the world, cure the common cold, stop cancer in its tracks, and do really nasty things to Nazis. And that day will be one of celebration. As Thomas Hardy once said "If the world were a Mars Bar..." I forget the rest, actually. [See also: Nutella]


Christmas

Christmas is a wonderful time of year. Just a shame the Christians seem to be trying to take control of it. The last thing you want to be reminded of around Christmas is religion.

No, Christmas is a time for retailing. All the department stores put their special Christmas ads on the telly, showing happy, glowing families wandering around, paying happy, smiling shop assistants for cheerful presents. What a complete lie. Has anyone ever seen a shop that empty at Christmas? Or got service that fast?

See also: Jingle bells, Xmas


Church

A church is either (a) a big, generally impressive-looking building where people go to indulge in religious activities, or (b) a rash commonly found on the upper-thigh. I think it's (b). One well-known cure is to dab it with a cream mixed from worm manure, cow snot and crushed caterpillars. If unchecked, a church can spread into the genital region, and may cause a great deal of pain during intercourse. Some churches also grow in anal areas.

See also: Bible


Competition

Competition is now recognised as the lynch-pin of free trade, the brake-pad of democracy, and the small plastic novelty egg of the consumer society. It is also an excellent method of breaking up monopolies, with subsequent improvements in consumer choice and customer service.

The beginnings of this were hatched in ancient Rome, when one of the Caesars decided to allow a private plumbing company, Ploptus, to compete with the existing Smellipong aqueduct provider. Both companies launched massive advertising campaigns, putting their slogans on chariots and villas, and sponsoring gladiators, in their battle to be the preferred carrier of the citizens' crap. Slogans varied from the simple "Piss" of Ploptus, to the "This Is The Sewer Calling" of Smellipong. After a little while, the two companies held a "Pooselection" vote for people's turd disposal. Smellipong retained a large share of its shit, and generally crapped all over Ploptus.


Computer

An electronic device designed to make you rip your hair out. The principles of a computer are very simple. You give the computer some data as input, it messes, mixes, scrambles and screws up the data until it is nonsensical and unrecognisable, and then it spits it out the other end as output. Computers can have strange effects on some people, causing their brains to flush and refill with information that is only related to computers. Doctors have now perfected a technique that can cure this condition, known as a Nerdoplasty.


Croquet

A game in which wooden balls are driven by means of long-handled mallets, through a series of hoops. Christ, how boring can you get. They ought to pep it up a bit. At the very least, a net. Or maybe a bit of hitting your opponents over the head with the mallets. Or perhaps rolling grannies across the lawn in wheelchairs carrying high-explosives to see if they can collide...


CurtainCurtain

Cloth placed on the inside of a window, to prevent what windows are best at - being looked through. Some curtains are made of a kind of anonymous white fine netting material, with vague flowery patterns on them. Others contain bold colours of definite designs. Either way, they tend to fall off their curtain rod onto people's heads at the most inconvenient times.


Custard

Custard is a warm, gooey yellowish substance commonly swallowed orally. The great Custic Civilisations of the upper Amazon are commonly credited with the invention and implementation of the first truly gooey custards. They had perfected hot gooey custard for use as a sexual therapy as early as 200BC, and the telling of such stories in iconic form have often been accredited with the shortage of bananas in that particular region.

[See also: Toxic]


A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Appendices

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