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TCWF Toxic Custarpedia

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The sound a sheep makes when trying to communicate its inner feelings to the outside world. Unfortunately those in the outside world who actually understand this are generally only other sheep. But much can be interpreted by merely listening to the tone expressed:

    Baa!    -   Imperative
    Baa...  -   Vague
    Baa?    -   Questioning
    ...     -   Stubborn silence
    B-      -   Slaughtered suddenly


A pointless little game in which a couple of dozen people run around a diamond formation as fast as they can, just to get back to where they started. Beats me why they didn't just stay at home base in the first place. In between, they throw small round things back and forth, and try to hit them very hard with a long metal or wooden bat. Which is pretty cruel on the small round things. And the bats probably don't enjoy it much either.


Commonly used word for an illegitimate person. Approximately 98% of traffic wardens are illegitimate. As are 87% of bank managers, 93% of lawyers, and 97% of politicians. There is an Worldwide Society of Bastards, who regularly appoint their members to the International Order of Bastard. As you may have guessed, Inspector Unnecessary-Violence is a member of this noble league.


A horizontally positioned, generally soft, piece of furniture where people go to sleep. Apart from this, a bed can be used for... reading in. Yeah, before the people sleep, they can leap under the covers with a couple of good books and... umm.. read. Of course, more disgusting type people will indulge in other activities in bed, such as... clipping toenails. Yeuch. But beds are mostly used for sleeping in. Yes. Mostly for sleep. And the occasional dream. Have I mentioned people can also sit on beds? And after use, beds can be made, which means whoever can be bothered straightens up the covers again, ready for the next err... sleeping session. That's about all there is to mention about beds, isn't it? I mean, there's no need to bring SMUT into this, is there? No. Just sleeping, that's what beds are for. Not fucking. Oh damn, damn. Look, can we just forget about this entry? I don't think anyone will be very interested anyway.


A bible is a book which one or more religions consider to be holy, and to be something that they should follow. It is of course generally rather impractical to follow books, not just because they don't often go anywhere, but also because they are not very good at public speaking, decision making, problem solving, or any of the other qualities recognised as being an advantage for leadership. A religion based around the teachings of any compilation of Toxic Custard would be very strange indeed. To subscribe to this new cult following, send $15 now.

See also: Genesis


Blood is a substance which runs around and around your body. It ensures that you know when you've cut yourself, because suddenly whatever has a cut goes red. Certain members of the human race actually have blue blood. This means they are bloodsucking leeches. One for the small r republicans there.


Oh please, let's not get back to that.

See also: Bed


A number of letters, collected into words, compiled into sentences, arranged into paragraphs and rendered on pages glued or stapled to one another could in some circles considered to be a book. Books were actually first used by the earliest of cavemen, but weren't much use since although a few privileged elders were able to write, absolutely nobody could read. Which makes them about as useless as a one-legged umbrella wielding elephant.


The first of three major meals of the day, breakfast for the average person will normally consist of a small to average amount of food, such as a medium serving of artichoke, followed by three slices of cow pie and orange juice, two boxes of Corn Flakes, ninety-seven unpeeled bananas, fifteen rashers of bacon, nineteen eggs, toast, and a sesame-seed bun. There are of course some people in the world who are unable to enjoy breakfast. But that serves them right for drinking so heavily the night before.


The third highest medal obtainable at sporting events. Generally won by those athletes who go on to advertise underarm products, dog shampoos and toilet cleaners, rather than the more highly rated breakfast cereals (silver) and sneakers (gold).


Common suffix to the word "oh". May also have some sexual connotations, but we're not getting into all that again.

See also: Bed

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Appendices

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