**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *******NUMBERS 401 TO 405*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN******* *****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no***** ***longer be correct. Please email info@toxiccustard.com for information.*** "Toxic Custard: Daniel Bowen's Virtual Beard" ===+=== +==== ||| ||| +==== Number 401, 22/6/98 |||oxic |||ustard |||||orkshop |+==iles by Daniel Bowen | +==== | | || http://www.toxiccustard.com DIARY - Mon 22/6/98 - The beard / The trip / The car It's now been two and a half weeks since I shaved. The resulting beard is still merrily growing. I'm still not sure if I want to keep it, so I'll probably give it at least a few more days before I decide to shave it off or not. It's a big decision to make - whether or not to keep this strange growth of hair on your face. So, in the interests of a healthy world democracy, you can vote for it! Give me your opinion, by revving up your web browser and heading to: http://www.toxiccustard.com/ Meanwhile, after thinking about it for ages and ages and ages and ages, I finally booked my next overseas trip on Friday. I'm off to Europe (the U.K., Belgium and France, to be precise) in September. Off to gallivant around with just a backpack and a Lonely Planet guide for company. Yes, that's right, the rest of the family is staying home. For some reason they can't see what's so great about being hungry and shivering in a cold wet damp Youth Hostel for 4 weeks. No, seriously, we talked about it. Travel with young children can be severely unfun. The memory of Isaac's vomit flying around the car on our last trip down the Great Ocean Road is not one that will fade quickly. (Some of the stains didn't fade quickly either). Travelling a lot is just not something that kids find very enjoyable. So it was decided that since I really want to go, I'll be going alone. I'm still working out exactly what I want to see - but since I've never been before, it'll all be new. I'll definitely track down the English rellies, and drop in on friends in Brussels and try to hunt down sites of significance to a Tintin-ophile such as myself. I wonder... is someone who really likes The X-Files called an X-Filophile? Is someone who really likes Filofaxes called a Filofaxophile? Meanwhile, the car broke down yesterday. I knew I should have done something about the lack of acceleration I'd noticed. Lori was out driving yesterday with a friend and suddenly noticed a complete lack of any acceleration whatsoever. So the car's in the garage, and I'm back on the tram and train going to work for a few days. Gives me a chance to keep reading that Lonely Planet book... The diary archives - http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA Stewart wrote: Exactly when does Daylight saving start and end in Australia? (In Europe they have standardised on Last Sunday in Feb & last Sunday on Oct, whereas in the USA it seems to be last Sunday in Apr. & last Sunday in Oct.) I have a theory. It's probably not a very good theory, but it's my theory nonetheless. It's a theory about LAN Administrators - those people who work in companies large and small, and take care of computers. It's my theory that in Australia, you can tell a good LAN Administrator because they're the ones who have figured out how to override the dates that Windows thinks Daylight Savings start and end in Australia. Australian state governments seem to change Summer Time dates more often than they call elections. They also consistently manage to avoid reaching a consensus on when the dates should be. In fact Queensland, Western Australia and the Northern Territory don't have Summer Time at all. Maybe it's because they seem to have summery weather all the year round. Anyway, the rest of us Australians switch to Summer Time around about the time that the Northern Hemisphere finishes it, on the last Sunday in October (except in Tasmania where it's the first Sunday in October). We all go back to Standard Time on the last Sunday in March. For more Web links related to these answers, for more questions and answers, and to ask your own questions, head to http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ More next week. Don't forget to vote on the vexxing beard issue! http://www.toxiccustard.com/ If you don't want to receive this junk, and you're wondering why you are, it's because YOU asked to be subscribed. If you no longer want it, then send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject "remove". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Copyright (c) 1998 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed for non- profit purposes provided no modifications are made and this copyright notice is included. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- E-mail: dbowen@custard.net.au ------- TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Fiery Toxic Custard" *** *** * * *** TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES by Daniel Bowen * * * * * ** http://www.toxiccustard.com _....--------- * *** ***** * Number 402, 30th June 1997 _.------' ---------------------------------------------' THE YEAR 2031 - Episode 17 Venus was aflame. Ralph and Chuck watched in awe from nearby, unable to do anything. Although they'd had pretty thorough training in what to do when there was a fire on board the ship, when it came to an entire planet burning, the extinguisher in the first aid cabinet just wasn't going to cut it. They were able to get one of the cameras working again though, so the rest of the human race back on Earth could watch. And as Venus rose and set in the sky, people gazed up at it in awe. The gas around Venus burnt for ninety-seven hours. Some crackpot on the telly worked out that if it had been harnessed for a barbecue, it could have cooked forty-three million billion billion sausages, presuming somebody could have got them on and off the plate fast enough. And then, gradually, the gas burnt itself out. Like a puzzle being taken apart piece by piece, gaps started to appear in the flames, and got bigger and bigger until there were more gaps than flames. Finally the last of the flames burnt out. Ralph and Chuck set up the finest telescopes that the taxpayers had been able to afford to provide, and examined the surface. It looked different. Not only was it black and charred all over, but it seemed that a top layer of thick residue had been burnt away. Finally, Venus' secret was revealed. Have no idea what's going on, and want to read the previous episodes? http://www.toxiccustard.com/features/2031/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIARY - Mon 29/6/98 - Hairy things Well, after allowing people to vote yea or nay on the whole facial hair question for a week, the results were as follows: Keep it 34% Shave it 41% Shave off the beard, keep the moustache 8% Shave off the moustache, keep the beard 6% Not sure 10% plus a few more who couldn't quite grasp the idea of multiple choice. Quite a few people suggested going the goatee. Given her stance on this issue, this might have been all my sister's friends, I don't know. It should be noted at this point that no matter what the results, I was never intending to blindly follow the advice of you freaks and lunatics who go a-surfing through my Web page. No, the decision will be mine, and not much correspondence will be entered into. It's my face, my decision. Don't feel betrayed. Don't despair. Your opinion is important. Your opinion does matter. Just not to me. The whole vote thing was just a bit of fun. I'm sure you understand. Just a ploy used in my never-ending quest to help people waste their time. I won't decide quite yet anyway. My sister's boyfriend John, who having ventured into the world of hairydom knows about such matters, recommends leaving it at least four weeks before making a decision. As I'm at three and a half weeks now, I may as well wait just one more week before the choice gets made. I have to say though - it's not looking good for the beard. Maybe the itching will fade, but I'm still not sure I like the look or feel of it. Mind you, if it counts - and I'm sure there are many who would say that it does - my wife Lori likes it. The oddest thing is looking down past your nose, and seeing a tuft of hair that you're still not used to. And yes, I have unintentionally caught food in it. That alone may tip the scales in favour of going back to shaving. It's a difficult thing to describe, but in its own little way, it was a truly revolting experience. The diary archives - http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Complaints? Rants? Then reply now! If you're wondering why you got this mail, it's because YOU asked to be subscribed. If you no longer want it, then send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject "remove". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Copyright (c) 1998 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed for non- profit purposes provided no modifications are made and this copyright notice is included. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- E-mail: dbowen@custard.net.au ------- TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Articled Toxic Custard" --TTTTT CCCC W W FFFF Toxic Custard Workshop Files T C W W F Number 403, 7th July 1998 T C W W W FFF Written by Daniel Bowen T CCCC WWWWW F------------------------------------------------- Earlier this year a U.S. based magazine called "Portable Computing Direct Shopper" published an humorous article of mine. Despite numerous attempts at contacting them, they haven't actually paid me for it. Either they're trying to pull a fast one (and I can't figure out why they would want to - it wasn't *that* much money), or they have serious problems with their e-mail system. Anyway, this is the article: -----------Techheads vs Users----------- There are those people in the world who know their computers like the back of their hands. The Techheads: the people who fearlessly delve into the Registry or obscure INI files to fiddle about with their computers. They aren't afraid to mess about with their AUTOEXEC.BATs. They can happily change the video display resolution and colour depth, and then re-arrange their desktop icons, all with their eyes closed. They don't even whimper (much) if they have to re-install Windows. And then there are the people who, while they might be quite competent at using e-mail and Word, aren't quite up to the complexities of re-installing the video drivers or changing the file associations. They are the Users. They know just enough about the computer to be able to use it, because they concentrate on the real work they need to do, rather than the fiddly bits of their computers. The Users might be tempted to call Techheads geeks and nerds, but they know that it's those very geeks and nerds that they will have to scream to for help if they run into trouble. Meanwhile the Techheads might be tempted to call the Users "L"users or various terms denoting lack of brain power, but they know that ultimately it's the Users who pay the bills. I'm somewhere in the Techhead group. I earn my keep by programming, and when you're a programmer, you inevitably have to learn how it all works. And at most of the jobs I've had, I have had to help people in the second category through various computer crises. Some things such as the oh so innocent looking Windows Explorer can deliver a great deal of power into the hands of a computer user. They can see the ever-increasing contents of their hard disk easily, move things around, dispose of unwanted files, quickly and simply. But equally, such powerful tools can be a danger. Once upon a time, not too long ago, I was at a job where we had been writing a computer program that one of the managers was going to take away and show to somebody. We installed it on her notebook, and off she jetted to another city to do her demonstration to various bigwigs and corporate high-flyers. In the mean time, as is always the case when developing software, we had found and fixed a bug - yet another in a countless list of them. From a technical standpoint, delivering the bug fix was simple, just a case of replacing one file in the Windows System directory. And since the manager would be dialling into our network from afar, it should be a piece of cake to get the file to her. But she was a computer User, not a Techhead. She wanted to know that she could type her documents and print them out, show slideshows to people and run our demonstration software. She didn't want to know *how* the computer did all this, she was too busy running the demonstration, taking questions and selling our software. So what seemed like a simple request to replace a file in the Windows System directory became a major drama for her. Rather than attempt to get her to connect by FTP to our server and grab the file, which would have been the fastest way had she known all about FTP, we e-mailed it to her. So the e-mail program took care of getting the file onto the notebook's hard disk. But the second step was the trickier. You've either mastered dragging and dropping files in Windows Explorer, or you haven't. She hadn't. This was soon apparent because as I was describing the process to her, and she was attempting to follow my directions, it became obvious that instead of dragging the file into the Windows System directory, she had dragged the Windows System directory to somewhere else. I try not to laugh in situations like this, but I'm afraid I had to hand the phone over to someone else to tell her how to undo what she had done, because my amusement at the whole scenario had taken over from the responsible portions of my brain and I was unable to assist further. Eventually we got it all sorted out, and the demonstration went swimmingly. And its important to remember that although she had troubles replacing that file, I would have had severe problems doing a presentation to a room full of industry heavyweights. So both the Techheads and the Users have their place in the corporate world, and any company that survives will have both. I'd bet my device drivers on it. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIARY - Mon 6/7/98 - Beards, junk and travelling The beard is still intact. Still irritating, but I'm getting more used to it, even if I do forget sometimes that it's there. We've been attempting to have a major clear out of stuff at home. The spare room was getting so crowded that sometimes you could barely get in the door. At least twice I've had to employ professional mountaineers and Sherpas to get me over the piles of junk to the computer. Two of the poor blokes fell to their deaths on one such expedition, and it was this that made me determined to clear out some of the stuff that we don't use. One of the best ways to get rid of stuff that you think is junk but that someone else thinks is the best thing since sliced bread is the Trading Post. This can work wonders for stuff that is genuinely of value to someone, though it works rather less well for that pile of unwanted 80's computer magazines sitting rotting in a box in the cupboard. So those I'm offering on Usenet free to anybody who'll take them. And I hope someone does, because although I have absolutely no use for them, there must be someone out there who still uses an old BBC computer, and could do with endless reading material about it! For reasons I haven't adequately explored, I'd feel kinda bad to throw them all in the recycling. To those who are curious about my trip in September, I haven't quite nailed down where I'm going to go. But gradually bits of the plan are coming together, so hopefully when I step off the plane at Heathrow at some ungodly hour of the morning on the second of September, I don't just wander aimlessly around the country with no idea of what to do or see. I know I'm going to spend some time with my uncles, cousins and grandparents - provided they don't mind of course, I haven't quite got around to telling them I'm coming yet. I'll explore London for a few days, then head north, probably via York and/or Liverpool, into Scotland. The target in Scotland is to reach the little town of Plockton. Why Plockton, you might ask? 'Cos it's where they filmed Hamish Macbeth. Not that I'm a rabid Hamish Macbeth fan, but it's nice to have a target to try and reach. Other than that, I know I'll spend a few days in Brussels with friends hunting down Tintin locations and memorabilia, take a TGV to Paris for some exploration, then back to England for a few more days, and then home. All in all it'll be a month away. And I have yet to solve the problem of where I should be on the last Saturday in September - so I can watch the AFL Grand Final! The diary archives - http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Comments? Questions? Complaints? Rants? Then reply now! To get off this mailing list, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject "remove". If you have friends who would like to join the list, get them to mail request@toxiccustard.com with the subject "subscribe" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Copyright (c) 1998 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed for non- profit purposes provided no modifications are made and this copyright notice is included. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- E-mail: dbowen@custard.net.au ------- TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "404 Toxic Custard not found" ***** **** * * ***** TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES * * * * * **** Number 404, 13/7/98 Written by Daniel Bowen * **** ***** * http://www.toxiccustard.com Here's another article of mine for Portable Computing Direct Shopper. This was going to be published, but never was. It's aged too much now, but I think it was funnier than the one that was published. Incidentally, they have been in touch and reckon I should have a cheque within a couple of weeks. ----------- "Beware the beta" I've come to the conclusion that playing with beta software can be a tad dangerous. Why? Well let me tell you a little story. I'm a sucker for new technology, and when Microsoft released a beta of their new Web browser, Internet Explorer 4, promising all kinds of groovy.web.goodies to play with, I was tempted. But given that our PC at home is used for serious stuff, for things vital to the family mission, like all of our email access for a start, I held back. It's one thing to install everything going on your PC at work, provided your company is encouraging you to do so, and they are prepared to put up with a slight productivity loss while you rebuild the machine when it all goes to pot. I can handle that, I'm an experienced computer professional . But it's another thing altogether when it's your own PC at home, and extended downtime like that might bring an end to family bliss. So I don't know about you, but I try to be cautious. Not cautious enough, however. When Microsoft released a new beta of IE4, and the reviews said "oh yes, it's much more stable", and "oh boy, all these new features are cool", and "wow, I love it", I was tempted. And when a CD-ROM arrived from Microsoft with said beta software on it, I didn't even have the excuse that I'm far too impatient to wait the hours to download it all. And the leaflet that came with the CD, obviously wanting to push Microsoft's new software as much as it could, hooked me, by proclaiming how easy it was to setup your web site as a channel, to link it in, load it on, hook it up, and push it over people's desktops worldwide. I was hooked. My mouth was watering. I had to have it, beta or not. Install, install, install! Now, my computer isn't quite old enough to have been around when the ark was, but it's not far off. Sure, it seemed to be the ultimate in high technology when I bought it two and a half years ago, but things in the computer world move fast. It's still good enough to be very useful though. We get by with it, and I'm not really tempted to go and buy a new one which will reach obsolescence just as fast. Not to say that age, or not being up there on the cutting edge was the cause of the problem about to befall me. But something was to blame, and I suspect it was some kind of formula involving aging technology and perhaps not every combination of hardware and software having been taken into account by the programmers involved. Which is fair enough. It was, after all, a beta. Anyway, the result was that once I had installed the spanking new IE4 beta, the computer wouldn't boot any more. This can be a slightly minor interruption to its normal operation, as I'm sure you'll understand, and the rest of the family were not particularly happy about this. Oh sure, it would boot into what Windows 95 calls its "Safe Mode", but given the facilities that it gives away to get into Safe Mode, they might as well have called it "Useless Mode". No dial-up networking for a start - how would the family survive without email? We'd be cut off from the outside world! We'd have to resort to - gasp - talking in person, or on the phone! I tried removing the software, but one of the major selling points of IE4 is that it has hooks into the operating system. More like claws than hooks I reckon, it had well and truly buried itself deep enough in Windows that merely removing the program did no good whatsoever. After spending a few hours virtually banging my virtual head against a virtual brick wall trying to get the computer working again virtually normally, I decided to cut my losses and re-install Windows and all the applications. It would probably be quicker in the long run. And it would give me a chance to clear out the hard disk of various superfluous programs and files. Okay, so these are pretty poor consolations given the surprising enormity of the task ahead, but you have to take anything you can get in this situation. A few hours later, I had the vital stuff - email and the network connection - working again. Given the lateness of the hour at that point, I left the rest of it to do day by day, as I needed - and remembered - what needed to be re-installed. It's several weeks later now, and I've got everything working more or less normally again. And as I sit here typing this, I swear to you now, I will never subject an indispensable computer to beta software ever agai.... oooh... look, a Frontpage 98 beta! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The final episode of Ralph & Chuck's mission to Venus... Next week. If you missed the earlier ones, catch up now. http://www.toxiccustard.com/features/2031/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIARY - Mon 13/7/98 - A weekend of non-haircuts and steamy snow My three year old son Isaac has an aversion to haircuts. And being a three year old, this doesn't mean that when faced with a haircut, he says "no, I don't particularly like this", and grimaces slightly while it happens. This is not an adult's aversion. No, being a three year old, it means he screams and struggles constantly while it happens. He twists and turns in the seat trying to escape, even when held down, making it quite a difficult job for the barber to even lop off a few hairs, let alone enough to make an appreciable difference, and with any semblance of neatness or symmetry. So when we discovered a hairdresser specialising in kids down at Baby Target in Fountain Gate, many miles away though it is, we rejoiced. Maybe Isaac would still hate it, but because of various devices they employ, such as looping Wiggles videos and a ride-on hobby-horse as a chair, we thought we might have at least fighting chance of getting his hair back to a manageable length. This was our target on Saturday morning, so we packed everyone up in the car (sneakily but wisely without specifying to Isaac precisely where we were going), and drove down there. I haven't worked it out precisely, but it must be at least 30K's out to Fountain Gate. It's a shopping centre in one of those fringe suburbs, where they don't have proper footpaths, and no two streets run parallel, and every family's got two or more cars because there's virtually no public transport. Anyway we finally got there, and discovered that this place requires bookings. And they were booked out for the day. And it's times like these when I really wish we'd thought to stop for a moment to pick up the phone and ring ahead and ask. But that's life. Attempt two is next Saturday. And we have an appointment. On Sunday we did what is fast becoming a family tradition: The Snow Train. It's a steam train that runs from the city, a couple of hundred K's out to Moe, where special buses take everyone up to Mount Saint Gwinear, for frolicking in the snow. I talked about it in last year's diary, and the only differences this time were that there was more snow, we brought a bunch of friends along, and that on the way back one of the buses (not ours) went off the road. Nothing too deadly thank goodness. Nobody injured or anything, though apparently a helicopter and two ambulances were sent screaming up the mountain when the news of a bus crash reached the emergency services. It did mean a delay of an hour or two at Moe, so everyone scoffed pizzas and other assorted fast food, and we sat around chatting, waiting for the rescheduled steam train home. As it happens, the trip back to Melbourne through the inky blackness of a country winter evening was quite atmospheric. A singalong in our compartment, consisting of a curious mix of Play School, Wiggles, Beatles and Queen songs, kept us all (and probably the rest of the carriage) thoroughly entertained. The diary archives - http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hey! Hey you! You got something to say? Then reply now! To get off this mailing list, do NOT reply: send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject "remove". (It's pretty easy, but you wouldn't believe the number of thickies who are unable to follow these simple instructions.) If you have friends who would like to join the list, get them to mail request@toxiccustard.com with the subject "subscribe" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Copyright (c) 1998 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed for non- profit purposes provided no modifications are made and this copyright notice is included. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- E-mail: dbowen@custard.net.au ------- TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ <405/Title unknown> ***** ******* * * * ***** * * * * * **** http://www.toxiccustard.com * ******* ******** * Number 405, 20th July 1998 TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES Written by Daniel Bowen Well, the cheque for that article showed up last week, and has been duly deposited. Given the delay in payment, they're probably not over-enthusiastic to publish my other articles, so you may as well read them instead. ----------- Having recently been introduced to the joys of Windows NT4, and being the inquisitive type, I have been thoroughly exploring all the neat little features that this wondrous operating system has to offer. One of the things NT comes with is an impressive collection of screen savers. I remember the screen savers that came with Windows 3.1. The trusty Marquee, so you could leave a suitable witticism for passing colleagues to chuckle at, or perhaps even a message revealing where on earth you were instead of being at your desk. Or perhaps you preferred the Star Trek-esque flying stars, or lines floating around your screen in your absence. But these days, there are some extremely psychedelic looking screen savers that are installed with the operating system by default. Three-dimensional objects that fly around the screen, morphing into one another. Mazes into which the hapless computer user is placed, to run around like a laboratory mouse, faced at every turn with walls decorated with fractals. I get the feeling these people are on drugs. No, really, think about it. This is the kind of stuff which twenty years ago nobody dreamed would be displayed on computer screens in offices. Your boss would have been on the phone to security, shouting about subversive behaviour and getting them to drag you away kicking and screaming to the company psychologist. Somewhere in one of the back rooms at Microsoft, there's probably a little group that writes these things. Half a dozen hippie programmers with Visual Arts degrees, expertise in OpenGL programming and a mandate from Microsoft management to make Windows look hip. "Hey man, what about a kind of flying morphing pyramid thing that changes colours as it bounces around the screen?" "Beautiful man, beautiful." What will they come up with next? Something less abstract? Flying toilets? No, it's been done. What about flying money, flipping and bouncing its way around the screen until it gets eaten by a three dimensional image of Bill Gates? Or a simulated wrestling match between two Goliaths, one wearing an "N" logo and the other wearing an "e" logo? (I wonder which one would win?) Or maybe that 3D maze can be programmed with a map of the Microsoft campus - a kind of Microsoft Doom (but without the bloodshed). Where will it all end? Perhaps screen savers will be the artistic medium of the future? In a couple of hundred years, maybe people will queue at the Louvre in Paris to see an exhibition of "Great Screen Saver Masters Of The 1990s". (If none of that sounds like your cup of tea, why not try the Toxic Custard screensaver! http://www.toxiccustard.com/misc/download/ ) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE YEAR 2031 - Part 18 Ralph and Chuck looked down on the remains of Venus with their high-powered digitally enhanced Ultra-Magno (tm) telescopes. The gaseous atmosphere had burnt away, and what was now visible was something of a surprise. A massive and spectacular, but undeniably dead, city covered the surface of Venus. It looked a bit like an architect's model of a yet-to-be-built city. The buildings were all there, impressive though a bit dull and grey. But nothing moved. It was like a country town on a long weekend during an Opera Festival. There were no signs of life at all. Of course, this was to be expected given that billions of tonnes of poisonous gas had blanketed the planet for probably centuries. Ralph, Chuck, the people at NASA, the numerous support staff, and the majority of the human race who had their eyes figuratively glued to their televisions, felt their mouths drop to the floor, and their eyebrows raise further and further as the pictures of the remains of an obviously advanced Venusian civilisation were beamed back into their livingrooms. Except the sceptics and conspiracy theorists of course. They were busy developing wild new theories concerning the government having built model alien cities for the cameras - or even perhaps faking the whole mission. Ralph and Chuck knew they only had limited fuel and supplies, and couldn't afford to both explore the new face of Venus and make it home alive, so they decided to move fast to study what they could of the surface before they had to head back to Earth. They couldn't land again, but they had more cameras than a busload of tourists at Puffing Billy, as well as a plethora of other assorted instruments. It really did look like this gigantic Venusian city covered most of the planet's surface. There were gaps, where evidently there might have once been oceans. But other than that, there were streets and buildings almost everywhere. After the inferno that burnt all the gas away, of course, everything down there was burnt. But most of it was recognisable. Ralph and Chuck's instruments had the kind of precision that would allow you to find a sock dropped on the floor of a Laundromat up to eight hundred thousand kilometres away. Most of the buildings appeared to have been hastily sealed up, as if in some kind of attempt to block out whatever was in the atmosphere. And sure enough, on many street corners were big green boxes resembling the suspected rubbish bin that Ralph had tripped over on the surface. But what had happened? How had an apparently (at least by Earth standards) highly intelligent and civilised society died out? Despite the short time they had, Ralph and Chuck tried their best to find out. Actually, the computer found it for them. It had scanned across the planet's newly found surface and found a huge building, bigger than any of the others. So big they really should have spotted it for themselves. At first they thought it was a seat of government. But it looked far too classy. Perhaps it was a shrine. It didn't really matter. What did matter was that there was a kind of courtyard thingy in the building. And in the very centre of the courtyard was a massive stone, into which was carved several paragraphs of what the experts were now calling Venusian Script. Ralph and Chuck were really running out of time now, so they grabbed images of the carvings and started up the engines to return to Earth. Sorry, I know I *promised* this would be the final episode. But it's not. The final will be the next one. *Promise*. If you missed the earlier episodes, catch up now. http://www.toxiccustard.com/features/2031/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIARY - Sun 19/7/98 - Lunch At lunch... Steve: Ugh, this tastes like horses hooves. Me: Hope it doesn't give you the trots. The diary archives - http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hey! Hey you! You got something to say? Then reply now! To get off this mailing list, do NOT reply: send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject "remove". (It's pretty easy, but you wouldn't believe the number of thickies who are unable to follow these simple instructions.) If you have friends who would like to join the list, get them to mail request@toxiccustard.com with the subject "subscribe" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Copyright (c) 1998 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed free of charge provided no modifications are made and all credits remain intact. Support the creation and distribution of free humour by preserving author credits. -- Not applicable except as applicable. Subject to the laws of physics. Restrictions may apply that strictly restrict. For details in your local area, check a map. Portions of the above copyright notice by Greg Bulmash http://www.bulmash.com/ -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- E-mail: dbowen@custard.net.au ------- TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is Copyright (c) 1998 Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. For subscription and back-issue information, send email to info@toxiccustard.com