**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *******NUMBERS 366 TO 370*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN******* *****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no***** ***longer be correct. Please email info@toxiccustard.com for information.*** "Romantic Toxic Custard" Live from the deck of the cruise ship "Romantica", and celebrating one hundred thousand page hits since May, it's ==+-- ==- | | ==-- http://www.toxiccustard.com | | | | | |=- Number 366, 5/10/97 |OXIC |=--USTARD |=|-|ORKSHOP |ILES Written by Daniel Bowen THE TOXIC CUSTARD NAME OUR BABY COMPETITION! People from all over the planet have been mailing in their suggestions for our baby, who is due in February, and medicos say is probably a boy. Some of the more interesting names suggested so far have included: - Owen and Rowan, suggested by many people, but which for obvious reasons, we have long held unsuitable for someone with a surname of Bowen - A bunch of names of fictional characters suggested by Dave Rigelhoff (at least, I hope he got them from fictional characters, I hope he didn't just list all his siblings): Skippy, Spanky, Elmer, Forest, Gumby and Pokey - "some kick ass Greek name like Achilles" - Euphrastes Bombasticus Paracelsus Bowen, suggested David Savignac. Just kinda rolls off the tongue, doesn't it. - John Walker suggested Danielle Bowen, to line up with my name (Daniel Bowen) and my brother-in-law's name (Daniel Boren) More next week! Keep those suggestions coming - email baby@custard.net.au - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE GROOVIEST THING IN MELBOURNE Ooh, we've reached the limits of the known universe! Yes, time and space restrictions (as well as a broken camera) mean we can't do a new round this week. Last week's competition however, showed the Top was soundly trounced by the Shot Tower: Final results: The Top - 16 votes The Shot Tower - 91 votes More next week. Probably. But you can check out the previous rounds results and pictures at http://www.toxiccustard.com/melbourne/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIARY - Tue 1/10/97 - Boredom Those people selling The Big Issue can be quite innovative. It's a wonder some of them aren't earning large amounts of money in advertising. On the steps of the GPO today at lunchtime, I found a skinhead selling it doing the Macarena to attract attention. If I'd had $2 in change, I would have bought one, honestly! And if I'd had a camera with me, I would have preserved the moment for prosperity. I'd much rather be out wandering around than in the office. There's nothing to do. Of the three tasks I have allocated to me at the moment, the progress of all of them is currently in the hands of other people. I've once again asked to be let go, to go to another job, and it's been denied because they believe that heaps more work will shortly materialise. I even offered to go part time, and this was knocked back because, would you believe it, apparently the resource utilisation paperwork can't handle someone who's working less than fulltime! The situation is similar for the two colleagues who sit with me, but one is making his escape at the end of the week, and the other is stuck here longer than I am. We're keeping ourselves sane by looking out the window, taking the piss out of the attendant in the carpark down below us, and we've all written programs to show how many days/hours/minutes/seconds we each have until our contracts expire. We've also found a broken chair, one of those ones that suddenly goes back when you sit on it giving you a heart attack, and we've put it in our little area and have been luring people in to sit on it. One guy fell for it two days in a row. DIARY EXTRACT - Thu 2/10/97 - Daniel is happy For the first time in the universe's recorded history, somebody is going to pay me for something I've written!... ... http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/1997/10.html#2/10/97 DIARY - Sun 5/10/97 - The day the world of music changed Saturday found us wandering around Flemington Racecourse, though due to various family illnesses we could just as well call it Phlegmington. We were trying to find where on earth in the complex my friend Stewart's kids' band "Jump 2 It" would be making their first public appearance. Luckily we eventually found them (or to be completely accurate, they found us). What can I say about the performance? It rocked. It will go down in kids' music as a truly legendary concert. Anyone who was there will remember it forever, and look back upon it as a truly a defining moment in modern music. Future generations will watch bootleg copies of the shaky video footage that I shot, and marvel at the inventiveness of the music, the boldness of the lyrics, and most of all the stunning closing guitar solo by Daisy The Dairy Cow. No, seriously, it was great. There's more from the diary, including the newly archived April 1995 entries, at http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Right, that's it. That's your lot. You want more? Well you know the drill. Fire up your web browser and head for http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, or removals, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject header "subscribe" or "remove" as appropriate. You should receive e-mail confirmation within 24 hours. To get your subscription moved, send a "remove" from the old address, and a "subscribe" from the new one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- E-mail: dbowen@custard.net.au ------- TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "On time Toxic Custard" The e-mail edition of Toxic Custard is brought to you this week (and for the weeks to come) by Angelos D. Keromytis, occasionally of Greece, but currently of the University of Pennsylvania. He really ought to go into the Toxic Custard Hall Of Fame. It was Angelos who was behind the very first Toxic Custard World Wide Web site, back before most people (including me) had heard of the Web. So if you ever get into a position of power and have to consider Angelos for a job, reward, scholarship, or any other good (or bad) thing, then remember his contribution to Toxic Custard, and act accordingly! ----------T---O---X---I---C--------C---U---S---T---A---R---D--------- Number 367, 13th October 1997. Written by Daniel Bowen. http://www.toxiccustard.com -------W---O---R---K---S---H---O---P---------F---I---L---E---S------- Sorry, but again, no Grooviest Thing In Melbourne - the camera's still being repaired. If I thought it would do any good, I'd give you the phone number of the place where repairing it. But it wouldn't. It would just enrage them if dozens of people rang up asking about my camera. They'd probably drop it into the loading dock or send it to Japan for two years to be fixed or something like that. So I won't. Also more baby name suggestions next week! Keep sending more names in - baby@custard.net.au Yes, feel free to nominate "Angelos". - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIARY EXCERPT - Fri 10/10/97 - Just another boring week Here we are at the end of the week again. I'm just trying to figure out if anything interesting happened to me by looking back through my actual, physical, paper diary. I suppose you could call this thing you're reading the virtual diary, if you go in for all that virtual this and virtual that junk. How about the Virtual CyberDiary? Revolting, isn't it. Full entry at http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/1997/10.html#10/10/97 DIARY EXCERPT - Sun 12/10/97 - Tatts I'm happy to say that last night, our lucky numbers came up! Yeeeehaaa! Okay, so it's only Division 5 - the lowest of the low. So we're not instant millionaires. No retiring to the Bahamas for us just yet. Full entry at http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/1997/10.html#12/10/97 DIARY - Mon 13/10/97 - Around and around WARNING: The following diary entry contains material that may reveal to your kids some facts about Daisy The Dairy Cow that they'd prefer not to know. Have you ever gone through the day with that really annoying moronic top ten dance single that you heard on the radio just before you left the house, going around and around in your brain? Well, it happens even more with children's music - though thankfully children's music is generally more intelligent than most top ten dance singles. In fact for parents, a song going around and around in your brain is probably evidence of how good the song is. Because it's likely to only reach this status if your kid is so enraptured by it that it gets played over and over at home. Not that that helps much. The song going around and around in my brain is "Daisy The Dairy Cow", which it appears is also my son Isaac's favourite song. Co-incidence? Hardly. What is remarkable is that it has achieved this exhaulted status in only the week since we got the Jump 2 It tape that it's on. We went to the second of their concerts yesterday, and Isaac was rapt - especially when he got a hug from Daisy herself. It appears from the concert today that the guy who plays Daisy The Dairy Cow is onto a winner. The other two members of the band do all the work, then Stewart jumps in the cow suit for the last two numbers, wins over the kids by being a cute animal, wins over the adults by playing a guitar solo, and takes all the glory. Mind you, he says he does sweat a lot in the suit. Perhaps some kind of thermostat device needs to be fitted. There's more from the diary, including the "brain child" gag that belongs on the end of the above entry, at http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ Mark, in the United States, wrote: Here in the U.S., we've got various pseudo-patriotic mascots who encourage you to do (or not do) whatever it is that they stand for. For example, "Smokey the Bear: Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires!", "Woodsy Owl: Give a Hoot, Don't Pollute!", and of course, "Uncle Sam: Wants YOU For the U.S. Armed Forces!" So does Australia have "Eucy the Koala", "Plato the Platypus" or other such "mascots"? Here's a few mascots that spring to mind. At least, they spring to my mind. No doubt some people reading this will have others spring to their minds. Some of them are from public service announcements, some aren't. Wally Wally appeared in water conservation adverts a few years ago. A kind of accident-prone garden dag, he managed to waste water, generally in ways that involved him flooding his own garden and/or house, and looking like a complete drip. Each ad would end with the tagline "Don't be a Wally with water". Sid the seagull Sid the seagull appeared on TV adverts about a decade ago, encouraging Australians to "slip, slop, slap" - that is, slip on a T-shirt, slop on some sunscreen, and slap on a hat. All in the name of reducing skin cancer, which seems fair enough. They've replaced Sid now with catchy jingles instead, but it's just not the same. Hector The Cat Hector was a gigantic stripy cat (a bit like Marty Monster, the infamous morning TV character who got attacked by a kangaroo live on TV). Hector taught the kids how to cross the street safely. The Toothbrush Family I still hum the Toothbrush Family's song sometimes as I brush my teeth. They were in a short (five minute?) cartoon about a family of toothbrushes. You can guess what they mostly talked about at night. And the song? All together now... "Brush your teeth... round and round... circle small... gums and all..." Skippy Skippy, The Bush Kangaroo, is one of those characters from the Flipper, or Lassie school of animals. You know, the super- intelligent kangaroo who knows when things are wrong, and has the incredible ability to tell her master exactly what's going on using just her normal animal speech. And never attacks morning TV characters.) Paul Hogan Paul has departed for Hollywood now (or did he come back? I can't remember), but before he did, back when he was on TV rather than in big-budget movies, he represented the typical Australian bloke, wearing nothing but a singlet, shorts and thongs (and maybe a hat), and having the sophistication of a dead slug. For more questions and answers about Australia, visit the Toxic Custard Guide - http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Toxic Custard Web site is just sitting, waiting for your visit. Go now! http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, or removals, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject header "subscribe" or "remove" as appropriate. You should receive e-mail confirmation within 24 hours. To get your subscription moved, send a "remove" from the old address, and a "subscribe" from the new one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- E-mail: dbowen@custard.net.au ------- TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Phreaky hacked Toxic Custard anarchy! With coarse language!!" Warning: This issue contains coarse language, just like you were warned about when you subscribed. It also contains references to an artwork that some people have found offensive, and a description of a car accident that may cause Mercedes owners to squirm a bit. (NB. No, not *that* car accident) Further, it has come to my attention that sections of the US Government believe this publication to be anarchistic. So, if you can stand all that, read on... TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES . . . . . Number 368, 20th October 1997 http://www.toxiccustard.com by Daniel Bowen Happy birthday sis --------------------__________________________----------------------- DIARY - Monday 20/10/97 - Daniel the anarchist While doing a little Egosurfing last week (Egosurf means to look on the Web for references to your own pages) I found this web page: http://www.ncs.gov/n5_hp/n5_ia_hp/html/eitr/apendx_a.htm Anybody who knows absolutely anything about HTML can spot straight off that it's an extremely badly constructed page - in fact if you go to the page, it will look better if you view the source code in your Web browser, because all they've done is to take a normal text file and put a few HTML tags around it. Anyway, this page is part of a report called the Electronic Intrusion Threat Report, a report about possible security intrusions into various computer networks. It was prepared by the US Government's National Communications System in 1994. The page is Appendix A of the report, a list of "known computer intrusion-related electronic newsletters". And to my surprise, in a section labelled "inactive publications" it describes the very publication you are reading thus: "Toxic Custard Workshop Hacker/Phreaker/Anarchy Newsletter" So, the big question is... why? I have no idea. I'm not an anarchist. I don't have the right clothes! I've never phreaked a phone - though I did refuse once to pay my phone bill because it was on a disconnected service and because it was for three cents. As for hacking...! Erm.. well, okay, maybe I did guess my friends' passwords a few times at uni, but I sure as hell never wrote about it here! Searching through the archives of what I've written, hacking only gets one mention by name, in a spoof of television computer shows. Phones get a few mentions, but never in that kind of context. Anarchy gets a handful of joking mentions, once from the mouth of Mrs Irene Busybody (remember her?) So, I will be writing to the National Communications System to ask them why they think Toxic Custard is about hacking, phreaking and anarchy. In the mean time, if you have any suggestions, e-mail me! - Daniel ... dbowen@custard.net.au - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIARY - Wed 15/10/97 - Serrano, Christ and me In recent years I've become fiercely proud of my country, and the city I live in, Melbourne. Not the kind of swollen chest, flag-waving, shouting "we're bloody great!" pride, more the kind of subtle, lump in my throat when I hear a Paul Kelly song pride. This is especially the case since I married an American, and over the years have shown a lot of her relatives around town. Melbourne is great. Australia is great. I'm proud of our sportsmen and women - the people who can be bothered to exercise more than I do - and all the things they win. I'm proud of the fact that I live in a mature society, a society where (with the appropriate warnings for those easily offended) you can say "fuck" on network television without a fuss. A society where they've worked out that prostitution is going to happen whether it's legal or not, so they've legalised brothels. A society that attempts, generally successfully, to look after its people when they need looking after. A society where you can have your leg sewn back on without getting a massive bill for it later. A society fiercely proud of its culture, yet embracing of other people's. But then on Monday night came the news that the Andres Serrano exhibition at the National Gallery here in Melbourne had closed because of threatened and actual violence. Well, terrific. The artistic world could be forgiven that we're a bunch of philistines still living in the 1950s. Obviously a few of us are. Okay, so the photograph "Piss Christ", of a crucifix immersed in urine (not that you could tell unless you knew the title) was always going to cause a fuss. It's not like it's just a picture of flowers in a meadow, is it. It's not the kind of thing that you buy a postcard of to send to a great-grandmother who fanatically worships the Pope. So some people felt offended by it, and demonstrated outside the gallery. That is their right, to let other people know how they feel about it. But now three people have physically attacked the picture. Which planet, and what century did they come from? Just because you're offended by something doesn't mean you have the right to stop other, grown, mature adults making the choice to see it. If you know you're going to be offended by the word "fuck" on network television, then you don't watch. You don't go and bomb the television station. If you decide you are deeply offended by my use of the word "fuck" on my web site, then you leave my web site and don't come back. You don't hack into it and destroy the files (I keep backups anyway). And you turn on the PICS filter on your browser next time, if it has one. As for the National Gallery, deciding to shut down the Serrano exhibition has got to be one of the most spineless displays of cowardice I've seen in a long time. C'mon, it can't be that hard to guard a picture! I'm sure there are people in the security industry who can manage to get the picture on public display, but protect it from maniacs with hammers. So do I like the picture? Well, I haven't seen it in person, but the fury caused by it has ensured that I've seen it plenty of times on television and in the newspapers. If people hadn't objected, probably almost nobody would have seen it. I kinda do like it. Maybe it's saying something about human side of Christ or something like that, I don't know. I certainly don't think the artist is saying that Christ should be pissed on. And I've got to say, I think the light shining through the bubbles onto the cross is quite beautiful. Now, where did I put that tape of "The Life Of Brian"? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - New this week... - Memories from the USA trip last year... our visit to Fuddruckers http://www.toxiccustard.com/usa/fuddruckers.html - Memories from our September holiday at home... the market, souvlaki and a bloody long walk http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/1997/09.html#5/9/97 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Toxic Custard Web site, home of hackers, phreakers and anarchists, is at http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, or removals, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject header "subscribe" or "remove" as appropriate. You should receive e-mail confirmation within 24 hours. To get your subscription moved, send a "remove" from the old address, and a "subscribe" from the new one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- E-mail: dbowen@custard.net.au ------- TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Confess! It's Toxic Custard!" The US government NCS has been asked about this newsletter's anarchist/hacker/phreaker status. (See last week.) No word back as yet. --TTTTT CCCC W W FFFF Toxic Custard Workshop Files T C W W F Number 369, 27th October 1997 T C W W W FFF Written by Daniel Bowen T CCCC WWWWW F------------------------------------------------- The eagle-eyed amongst you would have wondered about this part of the warning given before last week's issue: "It also contains ... a description of a car accident that may cause Mercedes owners to squirm a bit. (NB. No, not *that* car accident)" But where, as a few people asked, was that description? Well, I'd like to say that it was a mysterious oblique reference to some deeper meaning in the writing in that issue. But it wasn't. I'm not quite that deep. I edited out the section that had contained it, and forgot to remove the reference to it in the warning. So, if you're still wondering, here's the bit in question - it came from a diary entry for last Sunday that I chopped up because it was failing pretty severely in the amusement stakes... "Right at the moment I can't think of any other especially amusing moments, although the sight of a Mercedes that had suffered more than a little damage in a head-on collision with a Hyundai in Caulfield on Saturday was enjoyable. And guilt-free, because by the time we passed, any hint of damage to actual people was gone from the scene. Certainly it didn't make the news that night, so it can't have been too bad." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIARY - Fri 24/10/97 - L For ages now I've been saying that I should take the effort and learn to drive. Here I am, 27 years of age and I've never learnt. Hey, I never got round to it, okay? Well, I've finally decided that even if I don't intend to go out and buy a car straight away, I should learn to drive, before I go senile and my brain shuts off from old age and I can't. So I've been reading the Traffic Handbook for a while, and today at lunchtime I went up and did the test. Multiple choice, 32 questions, just sit at terminal number 2 and press on the screen, Mr Bowen. It was easy. I'm almost surprised at how easy it was. But I guess that's because the bulk of the road laws are pretty simple. If you've lived here for more than a couple of years and have been paying attention, you probably know most of them without even glancing at the book. The questions that were about other stuff were pretty easy too, because all you needed to do was use a little common sense. And if that wasn't enough, choose the cautious, safer, or more scary answer. Not that I'm saying you shouldn't read the book, of course. In any case, using a combination of reading the book a few times, using common sense and careful choice got me a score of 100%, which is way more than I ever got for any test or exam in school. A little waiting, an eye test (they looked a bit confused with what to do about my blind right eye, but eventually worked out I just needed to have two mirrors attached), get the photo taken and Bob's your uncle. What I found was interesting was the number of people who came in while I was waiting, and made things harder for themselves by claiming to have an appointment, but not having the appointment number they'd been given... or not having adequate ID, when it was all clearly explained on the phone. 'Cos for a government department, everything went pretty smoothly, as long as you did what you were asked to do. But then, maybe following those instructions was part of the test? Anyway, that's just a permit to learn to drive... I guess the hard bit is yet to come. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIARY - Sun 26/10/97 - A confession I have a confession to make - particularly to those of you reading who know me personally. This is not something that it's easy to admit. I'm afraid my friends might not understand how I could change like this. They might desert me, but I have to face up to what I have done, right or wrong. I've taken up regular exercise. There. I've said it. Running. I've taken up running. Just a few times a week, for a few minutes. A quick run around the block. Well, okay, not an actual quick run as such. More of a slow dawdling jog. After seeing others trying running recently, I decided I'd try it out. Normally I have an aversion to any form of physical exercise, but I discovered that running isn't too bad. It's enough to get the heart started in the morning, to build up the muscles a bit, and to get my t-shirt covered in sweat, all before the morning shower. And to my surprise, I have actually felt motivated to get up and out of the house at some ungodly hour of the morning to go running. It's a bit like when I started working fulltime - I never really believed that something that sounds so miserable before you do it could actually be quite... is fun the word? Maybe not. Perhaps satisfying is a better word. So serious am I that on Saturday morning we zipped down to a local shoe store and bought some proper runners. Although alarmingly expensive, they should do a better job of keeping my feet intact than the crappy old runners I've been using. Though actually, given how much cash you hand over for them, they should just about do the running for you. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Also new this week on the Toxic Custard web site... - PM John Howard is trying his darndest to back Australia out of binding targets for greenhouse gas reduction, which quite frankly is pretty embarrassing to a lot of Australians, myself included. I can certainly commit myself to reducing my own greenhouse gas emissions before 2010, but it probably won't help very much... - - -> http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/1997/10.html#27/10/97 - From our September holiday at home... The traditional country outing: "There it is, the Australian bush" - - -> http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/1997/09.html#6/9/97 - All the latest from around the neighbourhood... The latest closing down sale, the dead possum, and the neighbours - - -> http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/1997/10.html#22/10/97 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Some of the usual stuff may or may not return next week. In the mean time, there's more to cope with at http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, or removals, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject header "subscribe" or "remove" as appropriate. You should receive e-mail confirmation within 24 hours. To get your subscription moved, send a "remove" from the old address, and a "subscribe" from the new one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- E-mail: dbowen@custard.net.au ------- TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Toxic Custard on the road" If any renowned psychics are reading and they have Melbourne Cup tips, could they please drop me a line. No, that's psychics, not physicists. ***** ******* * * * ***** * * * * * **** http://www.toxiccustard.com * ******* ******** * Number 370, 3rd November 1997 TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES Written by Daniel Bowen TOXIC CUSTARD URL OF THE WEEK (an occasional series) An article all about the joys of the Whitman's Blimp! http://www.ozemail.com.au/~raptdesn/pacult/articles/0597samp.htm - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIARY - Sunday 2nd November 1997 - Daniel hits the road VICROADS WARNING: VicRoads advises motorists in the Caulfield area to beware on Saturday afternoons of hazardous conditions because of driving lessons being provided to Daniel Bowen. Yes, I had my first driving lesson on Saturday. Of course, since I'm telling you about it, you can conclude that I lived to tell the tale. More significantly, no innocent bystanders were killed either. The instructor (whose first name is Andre, I can't remember his surname, but it's *not* Serrano) arrived in the special learner car. It's got dual control pedals, and writing all over it saying how it's from a driving school, which if I remember correctly from reading that book with the road rules in it, means everybody else should get the hell out of the way. Andre started by showing me all the important bits of the car. At least, all the important bits that the driver needs to know about. You know, the clutch thingy, the acceler-whatsit, the steering wheelamajig and the fluffy dice. He showed me how to adjust the seat so I didn't get a bad back, how to adjust the steering wheel so I didn't get RSI, how to adjust the mirror, so I could see my own face clearly, and so I could see behind the car, and how to adjust the seatbelt, so I wouldn't go flying through the windscreen when we crashed into something. We set off for a spin around the block, concentrating at first on the steering, with Andre controlling the pedals and gears. That was reasonably easy. Then I took over on the pedals and gears. And that's when it started to get tricky. I had stalls, I had sudden stops. But I still managed not to run over anybody. It was about that point when my confidence from such beforehand thoughts as "well, millions of people can do this" and "if the average moron can do this, that means I'll be able to" (?) flew out the window. But we managed to get back to home base in one piece, and I'm sure it's just a matter of practice. Now, which one was the brake again? The one on the right? Vrooooom! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ Mark in the USA wrote: Recently, while watching the Discovery Channel, I heard a brief statement about Australian taxis. They claimed that in Australia, the passenger rides up front with the driver. Is this true!? That must make fascinating viewing... "Coming up next on the Discovery Channel, the amazing world of Australian taxis!" Can you blame me for not getting cable? The vast majority of Australian taxis are just normal cars that have been converted into taxis by putting radios and fare meters in, "TAXI" signs on top, a driver ID tag, painting them yellow (at least in Melbourne) and sticking checked highlights down the side. And yes, when the driver is male and there is a single male passenger, it's very common for the passenger to ride in the front seat, next to the driver. It makes it much easier to compare notes on yesterday's cricket or who's going to win the Cup. If the passenger is female (and the driver is male), then often the passenger will ride in the back, which is also the case if there are two passengers - unless they hate each others' guts, but not enough to want to hire separate taxis. It should be noted that there are some female taxi drivers, and I believe in some cities there are taxi companies with exclusively female drivers, setup for the benefit of women travelling alone. If there's three or more adult passengers, it's common for one to sit next to the driver, unless there's three and they really feel like snuggling up. If there's five passengers, it gets a little tricky - you need to ask for a 5 seater taxi when you book. The two times I've had to do this, I've ended up with a bigger "London cab style" (someone in advertising must have come up with the idea of calling it that, it doesn't really look like one) taxi with loads of seats in the back (they're also designed to accommodate wheelchairs), or a six-seater station wagon taxi, in which *two* of us ended up sitting with the driver. Very cosy. I could draw some diagrams to explain all these combinations, but I can't be bothered. William in California wrote: Since the advent of the Australian Royal Security Establishment (in the Popsicle Adventures), I've wondered if Aussies pronounce the Commonwealth 'arse' at all like the American synonym 'ass'? It's pronounced like it's spelt, remembering of course that Australians generally don't pronounce "r" as strongly as Americans, so it's probably more like "ahss". But it means the same thing. Caleb, probably in the USA, wrote: I am considering visiting Austrailia this summer, which I think is your winter? So how cold is an Austrailian winter? Firstly I should point out before you visit that it's probably advisable to learn how to spell the name of country you're visiting. Otherwise if the spelling you happen to be using corresponds with another location, you may find yourself quite surprised when you step off the plane. Yes, summer in the northern hemisphere is winter in Australia. How cold it gets depends on where you visit. Remember it's a big country, as big as the continental USA, and the weather varies from Tasmania to Queensland about as much as it does from Illinois to Florida. For more information about Australian weather than you can handle, visit the Bureau of Meteorology at http://www.bom.gov.au Mike in Philadelphia, USA, wrote: Here in the Northeast of the US, we often hold up our brethren to ridicule, mostly Southerners. Who gets made fun of the most in OZ? In no particular order, Americans, Queenslanders, Tasmanians, and New Zealanders. Plus anybody in Canberra, obviously. And people in Sydney make fun of Melburnians, people in Melbourne make fun of Sydneysiders. And we all make fun of ourselves on a regular basis. For more questions and answers about Australia, visit the Toxic Custard Guide - http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Also new this week on the Toxic Custard web site... - From our September holiday at home... The hunt for the best fish'n'chips in town. And "that's not a war memorial... *this* is a war memorial." - - -> http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/1997/09.html#8/9/97 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toxic Custard. Are you getting enough? http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, or removals, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject header "subscribe" or "remove" as appropriate. You should receive e-mail confirmation within 24 hours. To get your subscription moved, send a "remove" from the old address, and a "subscribe" from the new one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- E-mail: dbowen@custard.net.au ------- TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is Copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. For subscription and back-issue information, send email to info@toxiccustard.com