**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *******NUMBERS 351 TO 355*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN******* *****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no***** ***longer be correct. Please email info@toxiccustard.com for information.*** "Toxic Custard invades Hong Kong" ==. .== .==== .=. .=. .=. .====* Number 351, 23/6/97 | | | |__ | |_| |_| | | == |_|oxic |____ustard |_________|orkshop |_|iles *Was that okay http://www.toxiccustard.com, Written by Daniel Bowen Anthony? HOW TO INVADE HONG KONG Reading The Age on Saturday (where was the Rowan Atkinson interview promised on the front??) I found a timetable for the hand over of in Hong Kong next week. According to the timetable, at 7:30pm on 30th June, the last British troops leave. It's not until 6am the next day that the Chinese PLA forces enter. Does this mean Hong Kong will be unguarded against invasion for 22 and a half hours? Will anybody try to take advantage of this? (On the other hand, who would be stupid enough to piss off the Chinese army?) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Last Monday they said I'd get a phone on Tuesday or Wednesday... DIARY - Fri 20/6/97 - Phone Well, both Tuesday and Wednesday came and went, and in fact it's Friday and the phone hasn't arrived on my desk. Or to be more accurate, the phone is there, as it has been all along, but it's not connected. Actually, to be completely accurate, it's connected to the wall, but somewhere in the guts of the building, where the telephone engineers go to get away from the rest of the human race and wade knee-deep in cables, the appropriate plug is not secure in the appropriate socket. So it doesn't work. All this is pretty ironic considering I'm working at a telephone company. They now say Monday will be the day of deliverance, the excuse apparently being that they've run out of lines in the building. Hmm. Yeah. Right. Meanwhile working in the city is turning my week into a bit of a lunchfest. So many of my current or former colleagues are within screaming distance (as the crow flies) that I doubt if a week will go by without me having lunch with at least a few of them DIARY - Sat 21/6/97 - The art of refuse disposal I've talked before about my neighbours, and their odd ideas about refuse disposal. Well, now someone's decided to start clearing out some of the furniture and put it out on the street, someone else has decided it shouldn't be on the street (and it shouldn't), and the result is that there's now an armchair in the garden. Now I'm not against furniture in gardens per se. A nice bench and a fountain would look really nice in the block's communal garden. Perhaps polish it off with some landscaping - perhaps a little path around the fountain and a few shrubberies. But an armchair tipped over the wall with a view of the dead possum just doesn't work. Not even a reasonably nice armchair like this one. (No, it's not so nice that I'd want to acquire it.) With the flat downstairs from us now empty again (and it looks directly onto the garden), it'll be interesting to see if it gets let before someone moves the chair. What would your impression be on looking out of the livingroom window of an otherwise very nice flat and seeing a deserted armchair sitting overturned in the garden? (See the Web page for a picture of the armchair) DIARY - Mon 23/6/97 - Greg and me Phone update: Nope. Last night the girl at Safeway kept staring at me while we were queuing at the checkout. Personally, I can't help notice these things, in fact I usually think someone's staring at me when nobody is. She definitely was though. What could it be? Had my double been on Australia's Most Wanted the night before? Was there a security bulletin about me in the staff room? Wanted: Bowen, Daniel. Suspected terrorist and shoplifter. Approach with Caution! Were they looking out for me? I started to feel guilty. I hadn't felt this guilty since the one and only time I was asked, in the same supermarket, to open my bag so they could look in. (I'll tell you, that hasn't happened once when I've been wearing a tie!) She kept looking back at me. Uh oh, could it be she ... Hey, don't chat me up now, my wife's here! But she asked "are you somebody famous?" I don't consider myself even the remotest bit famous. Okay, so my face is plastered over my web page to frighten away children and small animals, but the site is hardly setting the world alight, and I have yet to meet anybody I didn't know who's actually seen it. I told her no. She looked again, and then said "don't take this the wrong way, but have you heard of The Wiggles?" We've got a two year-old, of course we've heard of The Wiggles. There's probably not a single parent in the country that hasn't heard of them, despatched large amounts of money in their direction in return for their videos and CDs, and perhaps even taken offspring to their concerts. "'Cos you look like Greg." I look like Greg?! No way do I look like Greg! Sure, I can impersonate his slightly squeaky voice when I take the mickey out of his piss-weak magic routines ("Hello everybody, I'm Magic Greg" - it's the only blot on an otherwise spotless performance), but I no more look like Greg than Greg looks like me. From a distance of three miles in a fog, as seen by a short-sighted eye-patched pirate, perhaps I do look like Greg. But seen by a checkout-chick from three feet away in a well-lit supermarket, no way. So who was on Australia's Most Wanted the other night, anyway? See the Web page for the Daniel/Greg comparison picture. Catch Daniel's diary as it happens http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ Patrick in the USA writes: Just enjoyed a Fosters this weekend and wondered... Can you purchase those huge 25.5 oz cans in six packs? American minds want to know! Well, Australian minds want to know what the hell an "oz" is anyway. Yes yes, I know it's an ounce, but it would be nice if whoever made up the imperial system had used an abbreviation that actually was one. Still, it's not as bad as "lb". I could whinge on about the vagaries of a measuring system that's based around such arcane things as the length of somebody's foot and includes such measurements as rods, perches and furlongs and ask when you guys are going to catch up with the rest of the world and go metric, but that wouldn't be answering the question at hand, would it? So to answer the question... First so it makes sense, I need to convert it to metric so I know how huge the cans you're talking about are. Okay, so there are 4 fl oz in a gill, 4 gills in a pint, and 2 pints in a quart. And 1 litre is 1.057 quarts. So your 25.5 oz cans are about 750mls. So can we buy Foster's in 6 packs of 750ml cans? No. Those ones only come individually. Because that's the small size of can. They're like those miniature bottles of wine you buy - nobody buys them for serious drinking, except maybe to put in the kids' lunchboxes. Your standard Australian can of beer is 10 litres. Honest. Really. To catch up on more Australian culture, check the question and answer archive at http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Updated several times a week, with all the latest timewasting stuff! http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, changes, removals, etc, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject header "subscribe" and/or "remove" as appropriate. You should receive e-mail confirmation within 24 hours. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- E-mail: dbowen@toxiccustard.com ----- TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Toxic Custard by phone" *** *** * * *** TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES by Daniel Bowen * * * * * ** http://www.toxiccustard.com Yipee, it's tax * *** ***** * Number 352, 30th June 1997! time again! ===================================================================== DIARY - Thu 26/6/97 - Phone time! Well, on Tuesday morning a telephone guy came around, fiddled with a few things, tested it all out and officially opened the new Telephone Service To Daniel's Desk. Hooray I thought, people can ring me. And they did. After only about an hour, I'd had four calls for someone else - a someone else who is apparently the corporate internal newsletter editor. I spoke to her a little later and she was genuinely surprised that I had that number. But she stopped giving it to other people, and I got no more calls for her. But it gets better. On Wednesday afternoon the phone rang again. I picked it up and it turned out to be ABC Radio News. "We were just wondering if we could get an official comment on the staff demonstration earlier today outside your corporate headquarters". So I did what any responsible person would do. I told them that the official corporate line was that "those people are cranks, nothing more, nothing less. They've got no real grievance, they're just having a whinge for no good reason. They ought to get haircuts, get real jobs, and sod off and stop interrupting us making more money. We've identified them all through closed circuit television and intend to sack them all forthwith!" Or maybe I just found the right number for Media Liaison and transferred the guy to it. DIARY - Mon 30/6/97 - Did we really vote these people in? After watching the news over the weekend, I've got a question about the Earth Summit. What the hell is our government doing? Our esteemed Prime Minister John Howard is zipping around the world claiming that somehow we Australians are special and shouldn't have to be part of legally binding global greenhouse gas reductions?! Oh, terrific. And if we do that, so can every other country in the world, and then where will we be? "Oh yes, we in Pollutia believe our particular target should be a 100% increase in our greenhouse gas production, because that way we'll make more money." Terrific. I wouldn't blame Bill Clinton if he'd wanted to trip Howard up. But no, that's not actually what happened. My sources have told me that the CIA actually plotted to trip up John Howard - as revenge for the Clinton/Greg Norman Incident. Of course, we all know Clinton was sloshed as a president, that's why he fell over. Fortunately John Howard is too boring to be even the slightest bit tipsy, so the plan failed. But the evidence is clear - it was no accident! It's true! Look at the news footage very carefully and you'll see a dark figure put banana skin on the ground in front of Howard and then slip away into the shadows. I think this is unacceptable behaviour. Fun, yes, but unacceptable. It's a slap in the face from the US, and I don't think we should stand for it! I SAY WE DECLARE WAR NOW! I don't care if they've got enough firepower to destroy the world a dozen times over and all we've got is some irritated wallabies! We'll show them that they can't insult our country and get away with it! My fellow Australians! Be ready! We attack at dawn! Catch Daniel's diary as it happens http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ Fred wrote: I just learned that in England if you say "Keep your pecker up," you're encouraging someone to be brave. In the United States (or at least the mid-west, where I grew up) if you told someone to "Keep your pecker up," you would be encouraging them to maintain an erection. What, if anything would you, as an average Australian, think I was encouraging you to do if I said, "Daniel, keep your pecker up"? Personally, I know the English meaning, and if you told me to keep my pecker up, this is what I'd presume you'd mean. While "pecker" can sometimes refer to the ol' didgeridoo, it's not in common usage. At least, not by me. But I would probably laugh heartily at how the English could come up with such a double entendre. Peter in Birmingham, England, writes: Is Vegemite anything like Marmite or Bovril? It's a bit like Marmite. It's been a while since I've tasted both side by side, but I do remember the difference in taste. It's just not something I can really describe. If I were a wine buff I could say something like "the vegemite has plenty of nose". But I'm not, so I can't. To catch up on more Australian culture, check the question and answer archive at http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Don't forget to leave your mark in our Official List Of Timewasters! http://www.toxiccustard.com/guestbook For subscription requests, or removals, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject header "subscribe" and/or "remove" as appropriate. You should receive e-mail confirmation within 24 hours. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TOXIC CUSTARD - DISCLAIMER Toxic Custard, its employees, agents and any entity distributing this document believe that the information contained in this document is doubtful at best and subject to disagreement and debate from all quarters, and that any opinions, conclusions or recommendations contained in this document are to be taken with not so much a grain of salt as a bucket of it. Toxic Custard positively guarantees their inaccuracy, including for any liability which cannot be excluded and any rights which a person may have under the Trade Practices Act 1974 and similar laws, and in respect to responsibility for any loss or damage declares as follows: "So sue me!" -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- E-mail: dbowen@toxiccustard.com ----- TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "The grooviest Toxic Custard" TOXIC ___ ___ ___ http://www.toxiccustard.com CUSTARD __| |___ __| Written by Daniel Bowen WORKSHOP FILES ___| ___| ___| 7/7/97 THE GROOVIEST THING (Another brave experiment in IN MELBOURNE local culture, interactive web entertainment, and colour schemes by the colour blind.) Hello, good evening and welcome. Over the next few weeks (or however long it takes) we at Toxic Custard are going to be looking at some of the groovy things around the city of Melbourne. And you, beloved readers, will get to vote on them. You'll get to decide what the grooviest is. The great thing is, you don't even have to live in, or have visited Melbourne. Through the miracle of the microchip, you can save money on airfares, see this stuff, and vote on what you think is grooviest by using one of those Web browser thingies. Okay, I admit I don't quite understand how they work, but a couple of companies make them, and they're *terribly* clever. So read on, and/or run yours now and head for http://www.toxiccustard.com to cast your vote! Round 1: Meercats versus The Bloke In Mid-air What: The meercats in the Myer Sculpture of bloke in Bourke Street store mid-air windows Where: Bourke Street Mall (until Southbank (for the mid-July) foreseeable future) Details: Meercats originate in He seems to be standing Africa, where they were on some kind of especially bred for disembodied hand. No cuteness to appeal to doubt the artist knows wildlife documentary film why, and would explain it makers. in terms of the juxtaposition of Don't try and shoplift surrounding structures any to take home for the and the overall relevance kids - security is very of the figure to today's tight. society - its woes, ails and illnesses. Or some And no, they are not such bollocks. available in the Myer Pets Department. In fact, Me? I just think it looks I don't think Myer even cool up there. has a Pets Department. Remember, head for the Web page to see them in full living colour and cast your vote! http://www.toxiccustard.com - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIARY - Tue 1/7/97 - Now I'm winning Last week I was bemoaning to someone the fact that I always seem to buy modems at the wrong time - just before they drastically drop in price. Okay, so we all know that whenever you buy technology, the price will fall and something bigger and better will come along instead. But I seem to have this particular knack with modems. A few years ago, I bought a 2400 baud modem. It seemed only days later when the prices on 9600s dropped to about the same level. A couple of years ago I bought a 14.4. Milliseconds later, 28.8s came down, and have now dropped to about 60% of the price I paid. Argh, it hurts. But now I'm winning - quite literally. I got an email yesterday reminding me of a web usage survey I filled in earlier in the year. The email reckons I won a prize! Bonus! It's a modem, from the fine and extremely gorgeous people at Banksia! So now I'm ready for 28.8s to drop again, and for them to be replaced by cable modems, or whatever other wonderfully faster type of modem is about to materialise. But I can be content in the fact that while I may be slightly behind once again in the modem stakes, this time I didn't pay for it. I should note that last night, I had a dream when my prize turned up... and it turned out to be a 300 baud modem! Arrrgrghhh! DIARY - Wed 2/7/97 - Fog, fog and more fog I thought it was foggy yesterday morning when I got to the station and couldn't see much beyond the end of the platform. No hope of seeing if a train was coming, when it finally did come it was just a few moving lights in the mist before it suddenly glided out of the fog into the station like some kind of huge metal magic trick. "Abracadabra! A six carriage train!" But if yesterday was foggy, today was doubly foggy, especially up on the 27th floor where I work. Normally the city skyline is abundant with skyscrapers - this morning they were all missing. Out of the windows all that could be seen was an off-white mist. It looked like one of those episodes of Doctor Who where they've run out of money, and the crew of the TARDIS look out onto a blank white set. In fact, it seemed quite possible that aliens had transported the whole building I work in to another planet or time. Would I head out at lunchtime to find that LaTrobe Street wasn't outside, instead I was on the planet Thwarg Fourteen, faced with a mass of Thwargoid Vttsplurg Warriors, armed to the teeth with Office Worker Vapourisers? As it turned out, no. DIARY - Mon 7/7/97 - *All* my hardware is working! A friend of mine bought the same video capture board as me, but he had some trouble installing his. Why is installing things never as easy as they make out on the box? Maybe they should be more honest... "System requirements: Pentium processor or higher, Windows 95 or NT 4, Super VGA with 256 or more colours, and a full head of hair because you'll rip half of it out trying to get this bloody thing to work. Punching bag, therapy or professional guidance highly recommended." Plug'n'Play definitely needs some work. Imagine what they'd do in Star Trek when they have to plug in some new hardware... "Computer, run a level 3 diagnostic on the video capture board!" "Commander Bowen, your PC is stuffed full of junk. Recommend unnecessary cards be ejected and placed on stand-by." "Make it so." "SCSI to Coffee Machine interface card... ejected. Microsoft Barney doll interface card... ejected and destroyed. Pro-3D Bananas In Pyjamas hologram card... ejected. MethodologyZapper high paid consultant deflection device... ejected. ... Video capture board is now operable." Both our capture boards are working now (as you'd have seen from the plethora of new graphics around the Toxic Custard web site). And this is important to me. As a computer nerd, parent and someone who delights in nifty gadgets of all sorts, it's very important that I have many many tools at my disposal to record family events as they happen. Because another biggie is happening... Yes, FertilisOr (but you can call me VirileMan) is at it again! My wife Lori is officially back In The Club. Another baby is on the way, and as we joke in the computer business, this deliverable is due around February! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The Toxic Custard Guide To Australia returns next week. In the mean time, you can check out the archives at http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Get voting for The Grooviest Thing In Melbourne! http://www.toxiccustard.com/ For subscription requests, or removals, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject header "subscribe" or "remove" as appropriate. You should receive e-mail confirmation within 24 hours. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- E-mail: dbowen@toxiccustard.com ----- TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Fair dinkum Toxic Custard" ___ ___ TOXIC CUSTARD __| |___ |___| Number 354, 14th July 1997 WORKSHOP FILES ___| ___| | http://www.toxiccustard.com ==================================Written=by=Daniel=Bowen============ THE GROOVIEST THING IN MELBOURNE Well, what a thriller Round 1 was. At first it looked like the Bloke was going to tread all over the Meercats. But as the week wore on, the meercat lovers from everywhere piled in and clicked on their favourite cutsey animals. Final results: Meercats - 89 votes Bloke - 81 votes And now for round 2... Round 2: Big Rocks versus Chunk Of Library What: Big rocks A Chunk of Library Where: Swanston Street, outside Corner Swanston Street the Town Hall and La Trobe Streets, outside the Museum and State Library Details: If there's anybody who This may look like a doesn't believe that real chunk of a library estate prices inflate that someone's created beyond all recognition, as a sculpture. It's show them this. The rocks not. There's an actual have engraved in them a library down there. few of the things that It's not very well the local Aborigines got known, and getting in exchange for the land membership is very that Melbourne now sits tricky, involving a on. Blankets, beads, certain amount of knives, that sort of potholing. The Cave thing. Clan can probably point you in the right In retrospect, probably a direction. little cheap, but better than the proverbial kick In fact, if you watch in the teeth - which is very carefully as you just a taste of what many pass under Swanston other Aborigines from the Street on a Loop settlers. train, you can see part of the geography section from the window. Remember, head for the Web page to see them in full living colour and cast your vote! http://www.toxiccustard.com - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIARY - Wed 9/7/97 - Inventions This morning I noticed the Billy Connolly quote in yesterday's paper and read it to Lori: "Marriage is a terrific invention... but then, so is the bicycle repair kit." Lori asked "so would you rather have a bicycle repair kit?" "No", I replied, "... I don't even have a bicycle!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ Craig, somewhere in North America, wrote: What the heck does "Fair dinkum" mean? "Fair dinkum" is a phrase generally employed down the pub on a Friday afternoon when someone decides to tell a story that is so obviously exaggerated and untrue that nobody, not even people in a self-induced drunken stupor, would believe. At the end of the story, when everyone conscious is staring at the teller, and thinking "you lying bastard", the words "Fair dinkum!" exclaimed by the story teller will instantly win the story credibility. And everyone will stop thinking "you lying bastard" and say "wow... that's amazing", and accept without further question that the story is true. So as you've probably worked out by now, "fair dinkum" means "honestly!", "truly!" and "I'm not lying, and to prove it I'll buy you another drink!" Dan, probably also in North America somewhere, wrote: I am interested in what real Australian speech is like. For instance, when you pronounce "flavoured" can one tell it is spelled with a "u" (i.e. an "or" sound as opposed to an "er" sound). No, you can't tell that there's extra vowels thrown in. One of the main differences in a word like "flavoured" is that the "r" is pretty inconspicuous. It comes out something like "flave ud". If you feel so inclined, you can download a file of me reading this answer from http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ You can even save the file and keep it for your computer start-up sound. Hey, it's your computer, you do what you want with it! Just let me know what explanations you come up with if somebody else hears it! Also, do you really use expressions such as "tastes like complete Koala piss". Sometimes. Personally, I use the phase "complete wombat's piss". But only in relation to Fosters' Lager. And usually only in front of tourists so I sound more ocker. To catch up on more Australian culture, check the question and answer archive at http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Voting is on now for The Grooviest Thing In Melbourne http://www.toxiccustard.com/ For subscription requests, or removals, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject header "subscribe" or "remove" as appropriate. You should receive e-mail confirmation within 24 hours. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- E-mail: dbowen@toxiccustard.com ----- TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Toxic Custard - The blimp is back!" ***** *** * * **** Number 355, 21/7/97 * * * * * * Written by Daniel Bowen * * * * * *** http://www.toxiccustard.com *OXIC ***USTARD *****ORKSHOP *ILES _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ THE GROOVIEST THING IN MELBOURNE Last week's was the Big Rocks versus the Chunk of Library. No real contest here - I bet librarians wish people thought all libraries were this cool. Final results: Big Rocks - 14 votes Library - 132 votes And now for round 3... Round 3: Three Men versus the Flying Pig What: The Three Men The Flying Pig Where: Corner of Swanston The opposite and Bourke Streets corner of Swanston and Bourke Streets Details: As these guys stand Half pig, half looking incredulously albatross, the Flying at the world around Pig is handily located them and waiting for a right in front of a north-bound tram, you huge billboard space, can usually see probably the biggest in tourists snapping the city. photos of them (I enjoy seeing how many The Pig is actually peoples' holiday snaps accompanied by a few you can get yourself other animals up there into "inadvertently") - in the vicinity, but and locals making use people usually notice of their rounded mouths the pig rather than any to give them of the others. cigarettes. Heck why not, the chances of them getting lung cancer are pretty low considering they don't have lungs. Remember, head for the Web page to see them in full living colour and cast your vote! http://www.toxiccustard.com - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIARY - Tue 15/7/97 - Our newsagent is a moron Our newsagent is a moron. We used to have great, friendly newsagents - I've mentioned them before - Irene and Hercules, the man with the strength to lift a dozen Saturday Ages. But they've gone, and Mr Moron has taken up residence. We get newspapers delivered three times a week. The Age and Australian on Tuesdays, for the computer section (okay, so most of it's online, but this helps me go through the week's news all in one go, and I can read it on the train), The Age on Thursdays, for the Green Guide (that's TV, radio and computers, for you out of towners) and The Age on Saturdays, for something to read and to keep the recycling pile growing up towards the ceiling. Last Tuesday, they delivered The Age, but not the Australian, which we got on Wednesday instead. Not much use on Wednesday, so we returned it. This morning, they again delivered just The Age, and when I dropped past on my way to the station to get The Australian, the newsagent argued with me that last week we'd returned The Australian on Tuesday! "No, it was Wednesday's." "No, it was Tuesday's." "NO, it was WEDNESDAY's!" Arsehole! Does he think I'm a complete idiot? Why, if I specifically want The Australian on Tuesday for the computer section, would I return it if it was correct? Why was it not sitting in the driveway on Tuesday with The Age, but showed up in the driveway the next morning? Does he think I can't tell the difference between Tuesday and Wednesday? Right, that does it. Not only will I cease buying my various computer magazines from there (ah, the joys of company expenses), I'm also going to take every opportunity in future to not drop past when a paper doesn't get delivered, but to ring up and make him deliver it personally. DIARY - Sat 19/7/97 - Closing down, yeah, sure It seems like only yesterday that The Pot Spot, a local business, finally shut up shop after holding their closing down sale which lasted well over six months, and through several "we're really closing!" deadlines. Now, I'm not for one second suggesting that other local businesses would try this. I don't know if this is something they teach them at courses for running retail businesses. But I noted with some suspicion the "Closing Down Sale" that now adorns the window of another local shop, the "Glenhuntly Variety Store". They don't seem to have set a date on their closing down, so it'll be interesting to see if they've vanished by next week, or if the Closing Down Sale ends up going until the end of the millennium. Also in our neighbourhood, I notice since the local Safeway's been opening every day that the 7-11 down the street seems to be losing business. It's a bad sign when you go in and don't have to queue to wait for that icecream you so oddly decide you want on a cold winter's day. But the really bad sign that the 7-11 might be struggling is an almost complete absence of kids on skateboards hanging around in the carpark! Maybe they're all working extra shifts as Safeway instead. DIARY - Mon 21/7/97 - The blimp is back Got off the train to go home this evening and presto! The blimp is back in town. Hovering over my head again, badgering me to buy Whitman's chocolates. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The Toxic Custard Guide To Australia returns next week. In the mean time, you can check out the archives at http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Voting is on now for The Grooviest Thing In Melbourne http://www.toxiccustard.com/ For subscription requests, or removals, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject header "subscribe" or "remove" as appropriate. You should receive e-mail confirmation within 24 hours. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- E-mail: dbowen@toxiccustard.com ----- TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is Copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. For subscription and back-issue information, send email to info@toxiccustard.com