**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *******NUMBERS 306 TO 310*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN******* *****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no***** ***longer be correct. Please always use tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for enquiries*** "Olympic Toxic Custard" ======--====----|| ||-------===== ||oxic|| || ||orkshop|| http://tcwf.rucc.net.au || ||ustard|| || || === Number 306, 29th July 1996 || ==== ======== ||iles by Daniel Bowen I'm not normally the biggest sports fan around, but the Olympics has got me interested. It's not been hard to get interested in the last few days, with Australia picking up swags of medals. Makes up for the pathetic performance of the first few days. Now as of the time of writing we're ranking seventh in the world (yesterday we got as high as fifth) - which I think is pretty damn good for a pissy little country of 18 million people. At least now we're beating Belgium. Actually, it's interesting how the medal tally listed on the evening news showed the top six yesterday, but now we've fallen to seventh seems to show the top seven. Channel 7 will be pleased. At last their almost xenophobic coverage, giving anything in which an Australian is mentioned priority over just about anything else, is paying off. Every medal ceremony with an Aussie is shown live, of course. But it's probably the same in every country. And it works - it brings a lump to the throat as Advance Australia Fair pumps over the PA in Atlanta while the flag slowly ascends. Don't you love when your country's about to win gold, and the two commentators start shouting over each other in an effort to be the one heard on all the news reports that night? And presumably they hope to be The Voice on the archive footage for years to come. The one gold medal that's really captured the headlines was Kieran "I write my name on my milk" Perkins, who won the 1500 metres freestyle. (I presume that's swimming.) The TV and newspapers have gone Keiren-mad. I think it's gone a bit too far. We may have a bit of a Keiran surplus. The nation may be a little Perkined-out by now. In fact, I distinctly heard Sandy Roberts say that Kieren had "the heart of Phar Lap" - a phrase that H.G. used jokingly on Club Buggery a few weeks ago. Of course, there's no real evidence that KP has had the great horse's heart transplanted into him. If he had, we'd be shouting more about our medical technology than sporting prowess. Probably by now everyone outside Australia is wondering if I'll mention any other countries. Yep. I can't go past the efforts of the mother-country, Great Britain. They're not exactly blitzing the competition, are they? How are the Poms ranking? 26th? Just above Moldavia or someone? What the hell's going on? Two medals?! What happened to Rule Britannia? It's just as well the economic rationalists haven't got to the Olympic teams. What if they were to look at medal/participant ratios? They might decide it wasn't worth sending a whole hockey team for a chance at winning only one medal - it's better value to send more swimmers or runners. No sign of an Olympic song this time round. Or maybe I've just been incredibly lucky at avoiding it. Or maybe I have heard it, but I thought it was just another obscure Optus or McDonald's commercial with a world togetherness theme and a massacred John Lennon tune? I remember Barcelona's song, though I wish I didn't. I don't remember what the songs were for LA or Seoul... the one I do remember is Moscow's in 1980. Now that was an Olympic song that captured some of the culture of the host country! And Kossack dancers in the video clip, if I remember rightly! What will it be for Sydney 2000? Rolf? Oils? Yothu Yindi? Daryl? Jack? Drag out an old tape of Peter Allen or Skyhooks? Who knows. I'm still coming to the terms of the idea of Beach Volleyball as an Olympic sport. I mean *beach volleyball*? Do they play it on a real beach, or an artificial, astro-sand one? Maybe there's room for other beach activities at the Games. Olympic paddling. Olympic sunbaking. Olympic sand-castle building? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Well, after last week's quick rant about advertising, this week I spotted some very brave advertising indeed. You know those super-strength plates some companies make? The ones that are meant not to shatter even if you drop them then throw bricks at them and get elephants to walk over them? Okay. There's some ads appearing on the trams now for these plates. But with a difference. There's a plastic casing along the side of the roof of the tram, with one of the plates inside it, so it rolls around in the case as the tram stops and starts. Let's hope for their sake the plates are good - it would be pretty embarassing if one shattered. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Why is it that books that are turned into movies or TV shows are always labelled "Now a *major* film/TV series". Never "now a pissy student film" or "Now a huge flop of a movie". Does it really encourage people to read the book? Or do they just decide to be lazy and go see the movie? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Drop into the TCWF Web site for loads more cool stuff. The Toxic Custarpedia, Shakespeare, Dr Who, History Of The World... and more! All at http://tcwf.rucc.net.au For those with FTP access, back issues are at ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard For subscription requests, changes, removals, comments, insults, suggestions, drop us a line at tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia... Not quite the Olympic City, 1996------- Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu It's Census night on Tuesday. Ummm.... does the cat count?------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Count the Toxic Custard" _____ __ __ | | | | |__ Number 307, 5th August 1996 |OXIC |__USTARD |_|_|ORKSHOP | ILES by Daniel Bowen .."Wasting disk space the world over".......http://tcwf.rucc.net.au.. I think I'm jealous of deaf people. As they make their way to the Deaf School on the tram, they seem, unlike the rest of us, to be able to make friends with one another instantly. And for the rest of the ride they have what looks like the most interesting of conversations. In Melbourne the Deaf and Blind schools are very close to each other, within a block or two. I think I just worked out why the tram drivers announce the stop for the Blind School but not for the Deaf. Now, I'm not trying to draw a line - I'm not trying to develop an image of "them" and "us". Nope. Just making a point. I mean, if I rant on about Yuppies, is that being discriminatory? Hmmm.. Perhaps. But how else do you describe people, without splitting them into groups? Men, women; blondes, brunettes, redheads; nerds, smart alecs, bastards, pains in the arse. Actually, last week I switched my usual commute to the train. It cuts about five minutes off my trip, but I have to walk further. But as someone pointed out, the great thing about it is I get more exercise, so I can happily consume more junk food. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I have made a terrible mistake. I have screwed up mightily. I have jeopardised the entire nation's future, and placed future generations at risk. I have filled in the Census form a week too early. I should have read it properly. I got as far as reading that it had to be filled in on Tuesday... so I naturally assumed (or should that be *stupidly assumed*) that it would be the Tuesday after the form was delivered. Hopefully it will be okay. In the past week, nobody has left the dwelling. The dwelling's rent hasn't changed. My pay hasn't shot up (or down). Nobody's switched religions. I think we're gonna be all right. Thankfully I didn't sign and date it yet. Oops, the bit about how I got to work will be wrong. That is, of course, unless I (a) abandon my new commute on Tuesday morning, or (b) correct my entry. Naturally, the privacy groups were on the telly yesterday - whingeing about infringing. Infringement of privacy that is. Sometimes I get the feeling that them and the Civil Liberties people don't really have anything serious to complain about. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The Queen Mother turned 96 today. I wonder... when she turns 100, will she get a telegram from the Queen? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Do you have anywhere, in your dwelling, a jar full of stuff? The kind of stuff like nails and screws and picture-hangers and things? This is what happens if you ever give up trying to keep such things sorted. They go into one jar, and they get completely mixed up. And then, every time you have to find a specific item (or two or more that match) you have to overturn the jar and sift through them. When you've either found what you're looking for and given up, hope none of the sharper objects stick through your skin (this was always my worry when I was a kid) as you scoop them all back in. There has to be a better way. Maybe in centuries to come we'll tell our wall display computer to display a particular holographic picture frame on the wall... or tell the maintenance robot to hang up a picture... or perhaps we'll ask the DIY computer to locate a matching hook and nail of a picture hanger. And the DIY computer will report "Oh shit, do I have to look in the jar? Can't we just buy a new packet?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New on the TCWF Web site, the Guide To Life In The Office explores why your desk is so untidy, the sure-fire way to refill the water cooler, and we look at the ritual of leaving a job. So drop in soon - http://tcwf.rucc.net.au For those with FTP access, back issues are at ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard For subscription requests, changes, removals, comments, insults, suggestions, drop us a line at tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia... We're number seven! We're number seven! Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu It's Census night on *this* Tuesday. Ummm.... does the cat count?------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Six year old Toxic Custard" ________ ____ ______ ____ /__ __/ / __/ / / / / / __/ | |oxic | |__ustard | | | |orkshop | _/iles |_| |___/ |____/ |_| http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au *6th Anniversary Edition!* 11th August 1996 Written by Daniel Bowen Yes, Toxic Custard turns six tomorrow! We at Custard Central will be celebrating in the customary way, with champagne, caviar, and party-pies. And special thanks to YOU, dear reader. Each one of you has helped to make this probably the longest running original humour e-zine on the Internet. Okay, some of you more than others, but ultimately each one of you holds some of the blame. To help us celebrate, we ask that you stand up wherever you are reading this, and at the top of your voice, sing Happy Birthday: Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Toxic Custard, Happy birthday to you! Then make a note of how many people are staring at you and email us with the number, and a description of where you are. The highest and best ones win a mention next week. Even better, send me a sound file of you singing it (AU or WAV only, please ZIP or GZIP it) and I'll post it on the Web site. You can find me singing it at http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au Note that I get to sing it quietly because (a) I'm the author, so I don't have to embarass myself, and (b) I don't want to wake the baby. Appended to this edition of Toxic Custard you'll also find the Making Of Toxic Custard specially written to celebrate Toxic Custard's third birthday in 1993. Enjoy! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Last week was definitely the most interesting week at work ever. The events surrounding the beta trial of the software we're developing have been fascinating. Most of my colleagues who are reading this know exactly what I'm talking about. The rest will know exactly what I'm talking about when I mention the number three. Unfortunately for the rest of you, I'm probably not able to reveal exactly what has been going on. I'm not sure if not disclosing this kind of event is specifically included in my contract, but I'm going to play it safe. Give it a few months to blow over and maybe I'll reveal all. I can, however, tell you about a separate incident last week at work. First of all, you need to know that my email alert at work is Monty Python's Mr Gumby proclaiming "My brain hurts!" A colleague, Henry, and I, were messing around with trying to get some voice conferencing software going. Microsoft's NetMeeting to be precise. Ever since the office reorganisation last week, we're too far away to exchange verbal abuse face to face, so we've been looking for a better way. Pick up the phone?? No way, that wouldn't be high-tech enough. So voice conferencing it had to be. Actually, we're only fifteen second's walk away, and could shout, though it would disturb other people. But part of our work involves computer-based conferencing anyway, so we thought we might as well make use of the technology. So we fired up the software. A little fiddling and it was half working - that is, Henry could hear me, but I couldn't hear him. Verbal office abuse isn't as fun when it's one way, so we each fiddled with the controls. I bumped up the volume control on the conferencing software a little. He kept speaking into his microphone. Still no go. I bumped the volume up to full blast. Still nothing. I gave up and went over to his desk, unaware that turning the volume up on the conferencing software had also turned my *main* volume control up to full. I arrived at Henry's desk, and we agreed it wasn't worth the hassle. Just then, some email arrived. With all the decibels a multimedia PC can muster at full volume, a loud voice came booming across the office. " M M M M M Y Y Y Y Y B R R R A A A I N H H H U R T S S S ! " - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Had a haircut on Saturday. I'm don't know how the barber does it. He just *knows* exactly how to cut it. I've been going to this guy for over a year now, every couple of months. It's got to the point where I just sit in the chair, he asks "the usual?", I say yes, and he just cuts my hair. No fuss. No questions. HOW DOES HE DO IT? How does he know? He must cut thousands upon thousands of people's hair every year. How does he remember mine? How does he know how I like it? I have four theories: * He has a photographic memory, and knows exactly how he cut my hair last time * He has access to a huge database of people's faces and preferred haircuts, which he has electronically projected onto his eye so he doesn't have to consult with any tell-tale computer screens * He carefully examines my hair, its consistency and growth, and extrapolates how he cut it last time * He only cuts one style of haircut, which happens to be the one I favour, and hence is my "usual". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Toxic Custard Web site has a SLIGHTLY NEW URL!! We're now at http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au with a new look (again) and the new Guide To Life In The Office. (Note, due to technical difficulties the US site is not up to date.) For those with FTP access, back issues are at ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard For subscription requests, changes, removals, comments, insults, suggestions, drop us a line at tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia... Land of kangaroos on bicycles---------- Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu That's not all folks. Stand by for a repeat of The Making of Toxic Custard... --1993-- Toxic Custard was three years old on the twelfth of this month, and tonight, we flash back to those early days of August 1990, and take a (slightly less topical than it could have been) look at how TCWF was born. "THE MAKING OF TOXIC CUSTARD" [File footage of crumbling, flooded corridor in F Block, Monash Uni Caulfield] DENNIS: Good evening. I'm Dennis Monkeygland. It was here, in the shallowed halls of Monash University, that Toxic Custard as we know it, was born. But where and why was it actually written? And how did it get its wacky, zany off-the-wall Pythonesque-type name? Tonight, we'll take you back to the earliest days of Toxic Custard, and reveal how TCWF was created. DANIEL: Well, back in them days of '90, I was in the second year of my course, a Bachelor of Pretending Cobol Is Structured, failing Photocopying 215, and me and me mates had just discovered the Internet. We suddenly realised that there was more to computer networks than just using Phone and Talk to annoy people in the next room, or sending Mail to tell people to meet you for lunch and Tetris at the corner shop. DENNIS: So how did the concept for TCWF come about? DANIEL: I was messing around with my mate Bw.. err Brian Smith. Hi Brian, if you're reading. And another pal of ours, Ray Chan, who was in an Electronics, Robotics And Other High-Tech Stuff course, came up with an idea for an electronic magazine, called "The Serial Saga". Hi Ray, if you're reading. We thought this was great, and immediately mugged him in the corridor and stole his idea. Ray never actually wrote anything, but did manage to create a monster robot which went berserk the next semester, and killed 5 lecturers due to a faulty diode in its corduroy detection circuits. DENNIS: So TCWF was born. Or perhaps hatched. DANIEL: Yeah, a little TCWF baby was hatched on 12/8/90, and immediately set about crapping all over the floor. Bw.. err Brian wrote a separate serial called Rocket Roger, about a guy whose name was... umm... Roger. At first both came out twice a week, TCWF on Mondays and Wednesdays, and RR on Tuesdays and Thursdays. But that didn't stop half the known galaxy confusing the two. I put that down to lack of intelligence. Now RR comes out about as often as Halley's Comet, and TCWF comes out whenever I bloody well feel like it, which is about once a week. Usually on a Monday. Around 10pm. Eastern Standard time. DENNIS: So who thought of the name "Toxic Custard Workshop Files"? DANIEL: A guy I knew in high school. Me and my mates Mark Bainbridge and David Holicek (Hi guys, if you're reading), were trying to think up a name for another aborted project in amateur TV. David thought of the phrase "Toxic Custard Workshop" on a number 700 bus on the way home in 1988. David went on to reach the very end, and built a Toxic Waste Dump for diseased camels, so it was quite prophetic. [Footage of old 8-bit computers, rusting and falling to bits under the weight of their own keyboards] DANIEL: Originally I wrote TCWF on my old BBC computer at home. I kept it for sentimental reasons, but let's face it, who the hell uses a computer with less than 32Kb of RAM these days? Anyway, in those days it was sent up to the Uni mainframe by 300 baud modem. Those were the days... Shit, I just remembered, I still do that, since my 2400 baud modem fell off the desk. DENNIS: How did you find readers? DANIEL: Well, originally we hadn't had the idea of posting stuff to UseNet News. So I just sent it to people around the campus who wanted it. As well as anyone else whose username we happened to stumble across. We bailed people up in the corridors and demanded "Username or your life!" Of course, by getting mailed TCWF and Rocket Roger, they lost both. A couple of them got angry, in fact two unhappy Rocket Roger readers attacked Brian one day with a spare keyboard someone left lying around. Rammed the DIN plug right up his nose. I think some of it's still up there. DENNIS: So how many people read the first issues? DANIEL: Seven people read the first ever issue, which was pretty pathetic. We started a little "subscription war" of sorts, though TCWF and RR plugged each other regularly. The numbers of both increased steadily every week, and today, TCWF is read by more than ten people, and an estimated 37 on News. DENNIS: So over the years, what's changed? DANIEL: Oh, not very much. Umm... my alias; the sideways messages came and went; linked stories of the early issues; switching to a "real" mailing list; very late News postings; mailing on Mondays instead of Sundays; updates to the ftp sites, 'cos everyone responsible seems to have changed jobs or disappeared mysteriously; the almost-demise of TCWF at issue 50; TCWF's inclusion in the Freaks Anonymous list, which has resulted in loads of Freaks Anonymous people mailing me saying "why are you sending me this shit"; excerpts in the Naked Wasp student newspaper; an unbroadcast tape made for Monash Uni radio; an excerpt in the National Telemarketer magazine at work (Hi Wes, if you're reading); editing on a PC rather than the Beeb; occasional inclusion of GIF cartoons... DENNIS: Errr thank you. DANIEL: Usenet-type signatures; bothering to bung a copyright on the end... DENNIS: Shut up! DANIEL: Well you did ask. DENNIS: Err, and finally, what have been your favourite bits out of Toxic Custard? DANIEL: The first Shakespeare parody (#19); the Fascist Fuckwits' Federation (#48), which one twerp actually publicly attacked as being racist; God's database (#61); the appearance of Irene Busybody (#72); the Popsicle "Phoenix" take-off; Bowen NURK Power (#96) and the Cosmo/Cleo wars of #125. DENNIS: Is that all? DANIEL: Well, all that I can think of for the moment. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Wiggling Toxic Custard" ====== ==== || || ====== Number 309, 19/8/96 || || || || || ||=== http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au ||oxic ====ustard ======orkshop ||iles by Daniel Bowen I'm disappointed. Deeply disappointed. Not one person sent me a sound sample of themselves singing Happy Birthday to TCWF. (I was only joking about singing it loudly in front of a whole bunch of people you know!) And only one person spotted the typo in the Making Of bit - ironic since it's now gone out incorrectly twice! The first TCWF was on 12/8/90, not 12/8/93 as written. [Corrected in these backissue files.] It's kind of scary when you think about it. Toxic Custard has been going for six years. That's as long as I spent in the entire of high school. It's a helluva long time. Where did all those years go? I guess I've been having too much fun. In Australia, ABC viewers have a chance to spot TCWF on the telly. There's an advert currently airing for submissions into Bob "Fairfax and I separated on amicable terms" Mansfield's review into what exactly the ABC does with our eight cents a day. (Actually about 8.444802578566 cents a day according to my calculations). The ad tells you how to get more information about making submissions to the review, by phone, mail, fax or email. Each shows various headless anonymous people using the appropriate bits of technology. For email, the shots they pulled out of the stock film cupboard consist of: (a) me using our old 286 ex-PC (yes, I still have that shirt) (b) my hands dancing over the keys of our old 286 ex-PC (c) the amber screen of our old 286 ex-PC, scrolling through TCWF191 Note that in none of the shots am I actually using email! The footage comes from a "Hot Chips" story done in 1994. It's a funny kind of feeling, spotting your headless self on the telly. "Wait a minute... I recognise that torso... that arm... that fast four finger typing style! That's me!!" (From Tuesday morning, check the TCWF Web site at http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au for some grabs from the ad.) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Okay, so I've lapsed a bit recently when it comes to Morons of the Week. So you'll be happy to hear that this week it's the driver of silver Wange Wover NRO286. (Do Range Rovers come in any colour other than silver, white or metallic blue?) She had not so wisely parked in the bus stop in Koornang Road, Carnegie, delaying a whole bunch of Saturday morning traffic while a bus loaded up with people. When the bus driver got out to take down the number and our heroic moron turned up, a short argument ensued - she evidently thought she hadn't done wrong! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Music can be such a subjective thing, can't it. One person's Crowded House is another person's Anthrax. And vice versa. Personally, I can't begin to understand how on earth some stuff gets into the charts. But hasn't it always been like that? There's always been hit songs which nobody knows who is buying them. Obviously someone is, and I tend to think "poor sods, have they got nothing better to spend their money on"? But evidently, they *like* it. So when the next wave of talentless buffoons hit the airwaves, don't feel sorry for them. *Someone* will buy their records. People's musical tastes change. Some people's musical tastes change so much they might even be embarrassed about what they used to buy. There's thousands, maybe millions of people out there in the world who actually bought Kylie Minogue records. Probably the same people that like her acting. How many of them would admit it now? And how will people talk about the eighties and nineties in a couple of decades? "Man, in the sixties, we were really into it... we had all the Stones stuff... Beatles... Who... Doors... Hendrix... Man, Hendrix was a guitar god... the things he could do with the guitar were just amazing." "Yeah, in the eighties, we had all of Kylie's stuff. Anything from Stock Aitken Waterman, actually. They really were drum machine gods. And the things they could do with a synthesiser were just amazing. Oh, and the New Kids... and Milli Vanilli. Incredible times, incredible times." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - My son Isaac likes The Wiggles. Actually, every Australian kid between the ages of six months and ten years like The Wiggles. No matter which way you look at it, The Wiggles are cool. For small children, The Wiggles act as an instant sedative. Bung on the video and Isaac gazes up at the screen, transfixed. One night last week he just stood there, gazing, swaying, too busy gazing to even sit down. Alas, there are few things short of illicit drugs that would work this well on adults. Though I have seen similar effects from Mr Bean videos. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Toxic Custard Web site! With back issues, features, lots of cute pictures and more! All at http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au For those with FTP access, back issues are at ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard For subscription requests, changes, removals, comments, insults, suggestions, drop us a line at tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia..... Leading the Paralympics-------------- Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Toxic Custard on video" TOXIC ---- -- --- CUSTARD ---| | | | http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au WORKSHOP | | | | Number 310, 26th August 1996 FILES ---- - --- Written by Daniel Bowen Sometimes I wonder if I've told you lot things already. Most of the amusing things that happen to me get related in Toxic Custard at one time or another, with or without a little artistic licence. Thankfully I can usually take a spin through the back issue files for a few choice phrases to ensure I don't repeat myself. And, thankfully, I can usually take a spin through the back issue files for a few choice phrases to ensure I don't repeat myself. After relating the following story to a workmate on the train home on Friday night I did wonder if perhaps it had already made it into TCWF. It hadn't, at least not according to Mr Grep. So here it is. I should probably add at this time that though this is an amusing enough anecdote, it is probably in no way worth a three paragraph introduction, building up the kind of expectation normally associated with a side-splitting, thigh-slapping classic story of hilarity. A few months ago we decided to see "My Left Foot". It's kind of got the status of a must-see movie, but we hadn't seen it when it was originally released. So off to our local friendly video shop we trotted. Our local friendly video shop is just the other side of the station - when we moved here we originally joined the one on this side of the station, but no sooner had we got our precious membership cards than they elected to give up the video rental business. Maybe it was something we said. Or perhaps the way we wrote "Ha ha ha" over the bit in the membership form about paying for any damaged or missing tapes. But I digress. Frequently. Actually it's funny how often I digress at the most inappropriate moments, only to suddenly come back to the point I was trying to make. `"My Left Foot"? Yes, we have it. But it's out.' Well no worries, we weren't in a desperate hurry to watch it. It would only be a few days, wouldn't it? `Actually we've been trying to track that one down for quite a while. We think the people who borrowed it moved. We'll follow it up.' Ah. This doesn't sound so good. But we decided to drop back a few days later and see if it's back. It wasn't. Every time we passed we'd pop in and check. Weeks went by. We could have easily gone to another video shop, or even forgotten about watching "My Left Foot" altogether, but customer loyalty and wish to find out what the hell has happened to the tape won over. The image of a deadly video tape thief who has fled to South America rather than give back his copy of "My Left Foot" came to mind. Perhaps the cops have caught up with him. "All right Kelly... come out with the video tape above your head!" "Never!" After several weeks, the memory of the movie we wanted to watch began to fade. Until about two months later, when walking past the video shop in question, we jokingly decided to ask again if it's back. It was back!!! So many moons later, we finally got to watch "My Left Foot". Good movie. Not sure if it was worth waiting two months to watch it, but yes, it was a good movie. The worst thing is... we never did find out what had happened to the tape. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Over the past few weeks it has become apparent at work that our project has a limited lifespan. At the time of writing it is probable that many of us will need to go looking for jobs. And we've risen to the challenge. Resumes have started popping up everywhere; on people's screens, on the printer, on the fax machine. Management are aware of this. In fact, I think some of them are looking for jobs too. You can tell who's actively looking for a job. They look far neater than they need to. They turn up on Monday with a brand spanking new haircut. A couple of weeks ago about four people admitted to having had haircuts in one weekend. Dead giveaway. The new tie. The rarely seen suit. All these are signs of someone looking for another job. Most notable are the absences. For a while people were making feeble excuses when they were going to be out at interviews. Doctor, dentist, family commitments, lunch... you name it, someone used it. Now nobody bothers, everybody will know they're out job hunting. In fact nobody believed me when I had a genuine medical appointment to go to last week. So now people just say they'll be out of the office. "Yeah folks, I'm going to be in late on Tuesday... and.. umm.. I'll be leaving early, too. And I'll be having a kinda long lunch, if you know what I mean..." So am *I* looking for work? Well, yes, I'm looking around to see what's out there. So *BLATANT PLUG TIME* if you'd like to hire me, check out my resume at http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au/bowen/daniel/resume.html - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Every so often I decide that I can't think of anything else to write about and I ask for ideas. Well I'm not doing that again. At least, not quite. Coming soon to the Toxic Custard Web site is a collection of stuff all about our big trip to the USA in April, with appropriate pictures and so on. Is there anything you think I missed writing about? Something American you'd like see my opinion on (if I have one)? Take a spin through the TCWF back issues, roughly numbers 291 to 300 if you missed out or can't remember what I've already said. We at Custard Central look forward to your input, some of which may get used, some of which will get laughed at and deleted. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Toxic Custard Web site, featuring back issues and umm.. features is at http://www.tcwf.rucc.net.au (mirrored) For those with FTP access, back issues are at ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard For subscription requests, changes, removals, comments, insults, suggestions, drop us a line at tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne... rumoured to be becoming Australia's Silicon Valley Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu Next week: the birthday mail ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed unmodified and without a charge provided this notice remains intact. For subscription and back-issue information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu