**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *******NUMBERS 286 TO 290*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN******* *****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no***** ***longer be correct. Please always use tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for enquiries*** "How to vote Toxic Custard" -==-=-*****-=***=*=-=-=*=*****=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= =--=-=-=*=-=*=-=-*-=-=-*-*-=-=-=-=-toxic-custard-workshop=files=-=-=- -==-=-=-*-=-*-=-=-*-*-*-=****-=-=-=number-286,=19-february=1996-=-=-= =--=-=-=*=-=-***-=-*-*-=-*-=-=-=-=-written-by=daniel-bowen-=-=-=-=-=- So, have YOU filled in the Toxic Custard Political Circus survey yet? About 90% of you haven't! Pathetic! The deadline's been extended to THIS Friday, so DO IT NOW! Drag out your copy of TCWF284, or head for the Web Page at http://tcwf.rucc.net.au/features/circus.html The election campaign has reminded me of how close I have come to meeting those in power. The first time was years ago, at a school holidays activity thing. An excursion was organised to the Police Mounted Squad to see all the horsies. I decided I didn't want to go, but would rather hang around with the other delinquents building bizarre things with Lego bricks. The others got back with the story (which they all swore was true) that they'd met Malcolm "it's actually quite easy to lose your trousers in Las Vegas" Fraser, then Prime Minister of Australia. D'oh! The only other time I've come close was at the football a couple of years ago, when then Deputy Prime Minister Brian Howe popped up in the queue for pies at half time. No entourage. No media scrum. No pushing in. No bodyguards (at least, not visible, unless you count the possibility of that one bloke in a leather jacket - But then, who'd assassinate an Australian Deputy PM? I mean really, who would go to the effort?). Now of course, I'm kicking myself for not asking him to say a few words to my video camera (which I had with me at the time) for the home movie I was making for some American relatives. That would have impressed them no end. "Yeah, we ran into Brian at the footy. Brian mate, Big BH! How's life as Deputy PM treating you?..." Oh well. Anyway, we now present The Toxic Custard Guide To What To Tell The People Handing Out "How To Vote" Cards. - "What makes you think I'm going to vote for you?" - "Is this recycled paper?" - "Which one of you is from the Idiot Party?" - "I already know how to vote - I just fill in all the boxes." - "It'll cost ya." - "Where do I write on it?" - "Oh, is the bingo on today?" - "It'll save time if you just put them in the bin yourself." - "You don't mean to say you support this bunch of clowns!" - "Aren't you the left-wing loonies?" - "Aren't you the right-wing Nazis?" - "*Oh*, so your party is *real*. When we saw you on telly we thought it must be a joke." - "Is as ugly in real life?" - "No thanks, we already have double-glazing." Any other suggestions? I'll publish the best next week! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This week's MORON OF THE WEEK is the driver of EUX625, a Redlich sausages delivery van, spotted today at 9:10am in St Kilda Road opposite Hanna Street. Damn good, Redlich sausages, honest. Crap delivery van drivers though, apparently. This guy obviously thinks that the "NO ENTRY" sign means "Awwww... go on, you can get away with it." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A couple of weeks ago the saga of the attempted souffle hit the virtual airwaves. Well, I've had another go. And although it didn't rise far enough to look as impressive as in the cook book, the result of this weekend's culinary experiments did indeed result in what could be described as a souffle. That, combined with Daniel's World's Simplest Salad (a.k.a. lettuce and some slices of tomato) made up Saturday's dinner. What a feast. You will also be no doubt overjoyed to hear that last week's "Ants Bros - Rag Mop" conundrum has been solved. Thanks to Fiona Kelleghan and Jarrad Dowd we at Custard Puzzler Central HQ are now fairly certain it was a reference to an old song by the Ames Bros, called "Ragg Mopp" that we'd heard on the radio. Phew, I'm glad we got to the bottom of that. And the mental health authorities will be taking this into consideration when the hearing continues, so it's good news all round! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I'm not a particularly mystical person. I'm not really sure what I believe in - God, the afterlife, all that stuff. I don't know. Uncommitted. But I'll tell you one thing - there's something going on out there. Must be. Without trying to get into anything too deep and meaningful, think about the universe. The scientists say it was the Big Bang that set it off. Okay, I can live with that. Hydrogen, helium whatever it was. Next question is... what set the Big Bang off? And so far the only explanation I can come up with is that without the universe being here, existence would be extremely dull. So maybe God was bored. The other factor that I take into consideration is my own experience. I have seen into the future. Honest. Not cataclysmic events like wars or great leaders snuffing it or the end of the world, no. Nothing I could write a book about and people could say "gee, he really saw that coming, didn't he, that's amazing." Alas no. But I do, on occasions, see into the future. It happens in dreams. It's usually just a snippet of conversation. A sentence or two, often spoken by someone I know. I'll wake, and for a few minutes think "hmmm, interesting dream. X said Y... I've never heard him/her say that. Interesting." Days, weeks, often months will pass. I forget about the dream. It's cast into the back of my mind. Until one day, X says Y. Just like in the dream. And it comes back to me. Wham... I dreamt that. I used to stop them and say "have we had this conversation before?" We hadn't. I don't say that anymore, I just smile and shake my head, because I know what's going on. I don't know how, or why. How could this happen? Some of you are scientists - explain it! Go on, I dare you! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This week's feature on the TCWF Web site is still the Political Circus. Updated every few days with new rumour, innuendo and wild inaccuracies. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The TCWF Web site is at these addresses. http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ http://tcwf.rucc.net.au http://www.highway1.com.au/tcwf/ http://www.catt.ncsu.edu/www_projects/tcwf/ Backissues are available by FTP at: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard On the Microsoft Network, go tcwf ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia---------------> Lose cash now, ask me how! Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu Responsibility for electoral comment is taken by... hey, who wrote this crap? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Debatable Toxic Custard" TUXOC ||||||| | | FOLIS | | | | | |___ Number 287, 26th February 1996 | CASTERD WURKSHUP | Written by Daniel Bowen I managed to miss the big debate again. Well, most of it. And with the election only a few days away (next Saturday), I and everyone else had better make up their mind who to vote for. Did Ray ask the hard questions? Doubts have been raised about Ray Martin as a moderator for something so important. Why? It could be the inane human interest stories he hosts on A Current Affair. Maybe he'd do well to send Mike Munro into the Parliament House bar with a hidden camera. But it's mostly how on Friday 23/2/96 he announced a short clip of The Beatles' "Real Love" as "a first look", when the rest of us saw it months ago as part of The Beatles Anthology! If you haven't visited the Toxic Custard Political Circus yet, what the hell are you waiting for? (Oh, Web access? Okay, you're excused.) For the rest of you, it's at http://tcwf.rucc.net.au/features/ circus.html or follow the links to the TCWF Latest Feature from the TCWF mirrors listed below. It's the only place you can find out which Australian politician has the least realistic hair. A big thanks to Alicia Smith for spotting the article about the Political Circus in last Tuesday's West Australian newspaper. Have YOU spotted a TCWF reference in the media? Then tell me about it! You could have your name up in lights so all your friends can laugh and snigger because they know you secretly read TCWF. [A public service announcement for any Australian ex-pats out there - apparently the ABC will have REAL election updates on its Web page. Yep, the ABC spotted a bandwagon, and promptly jumped on it. Get thee down to http://www.abc.net.au/election. Mind you, the Toxic Custard Political Circus page will also have a special addendum once the winner is determined. Watch out for it!] SURVEY RESULTS I suppose you're wondering how the survey went. Well, there were 92 responses, plus a whole bunch who made up their own answers, and so weren't counted. I Enjoyed reading 'em though. A staggering number of you all went for the same answers (1d, 2d, 3d, 4a, 5a). And most people got all honest when they got to question five, although 12% gleefully admitted they'd be too drunk to remember to vote. Question 1: 55% of people realised full well that election night will, indeed, mean all their favourite programmes are cancelled. I guess the video shops will be doing great business this Saturday. Or everyone will be celebrating at political parties. Question 2: 66% of people confirmed what most of us have suspected for a long time; that the whole Australian parliament are complete idiots. Question 3: 55% of people appear to have an unhealthy obsession with the flatulence of our political leaders, with only 22% of people judging the parties by their policies. Question 4: 60% of people trust the politicians less than they mistrust them. Let's just hope the bit about being holed up in a bunker with more arms than David Koresh isn't true. 'Cos apparently there's 34 of you out there. Or maybe you're all in the same bunker. Question 5: Judging from the figures, 27% of respondents were from outside Australia, with most of the others either lying through their teeth or being eligible to vote this Saturday. For anyone interested, full results are on the Web page. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - So, let me see if I've got this right. A couple of Saddam Hussein's sons-in-law defect to Jordan and denounce Saddam as a tyrant and a ruthless dictator. A few months later, Saddam says all is forgiven, come back guys. This is where it doesn't quite gel with me. They go back. Two days later, they're murdered. Wow. What a surprise. I think we've just found the definition of "gullible". - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Interesting stats in the newspaper last week. Apparently of the 70 victims of mass-killings in Australia and New Zealand between 1987 and 1993, 84% of them were killed by lunatics using legally owned guns. Well! That's a relief, isn't it! 'Cos I'd hate to be gunned down by a lunatic who WASN'T allowed to be armed! Maybe the gun lobby's saying "Guns don't kill people, people kill people" needs to be amended. To something like "Guns don't kill people, people with guns kill people." The article also said that 95% of people were killed by a familiar person. So here's a message to all my friends and family: Keep your distance, I'm watching you. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I have a bit of a problem with my alarm clock. It doesn't go off at the right time. It doesn't seem to understand that in the morning, I want to be woken up ten to fifteen minutes later than when I said I wanted to be woken up the night before. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This week's feature on the TCWF Web site is still the Political Circus. Updated every few days with new rumour, innuendo, and pictures of Jeff Kennett with *that* cucumber. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The TCWF Web site is at these addresses. http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ http://tcwf.rucc.net.au http://www.highway1.com.au/tcwf/ http://www.catt.ncsu.edu/www_projects/tcwf/ Backissues are available by FTP at: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard On the Microsoft Network, go tcwf ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia------------>Land of a thousand electorates Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu Responsibility for electoral comment is taken by... hey, who wrote this crap? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Elected Toxic Custard" ---TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES-------------------------Number 288--- ---by Daniel Bowen----------------------------------4th March 1996--- So, the election shenanigans continue. Before Toxic Custard EXCLUSIVELY announces the result to the waiting world (yeah, right) a summary of the dramatic final moments of the campaign. Laughter broke out on Thursday when Treasurer Ralph Willis unveiled two letters, allegedly written concerning planned reductions in Commonwealth State Funding by the Liberals to pay for their election promises. But let's not be too hard on Ralph. The letters looked genuine. See for yourself; this is the one from Victorian Premier Jeff Kennett to Federal Liberal leader John Howard: ----------------------- PREMIER OF VICTORIA 1 Treasury Place, Melbourne Victoria 3002 Telephone (03) 9651 5111 Telex No. AA32636 The Rt Hon J.W.Howard M.P. Leader of the Opposition Parliament House, Canberra ACT 2600 Dear John, PROPPOSED REDUCTIONS IN COMMONWEALTH STATE FUNDING Oi! John, you scumbag, don't you dare pay for your dumb election pledges by taking our dosh! We want it! It's ours! Ours ours ours! And if you take any of our money, then I'll tell Bronwyn about your impression of her in the bar that first night of the last Liberal Party Conference. Sincerely, Jeff PS. By the way, this letter is absolutely genuine and real, and is in no way a forgery. Boy, we'd all be in trouble if the ALP got hold of this, eh!! ----------------------- As Arnold from Diff'rent Strokes would say... "What you talkin' about, Willis?" Anyway, Saturday was election day, and everyone toddled off to vote. What I want to know is... you know all those people who work at the Electoral Commission... all the registrar people, and vote counters, and helpers... what do they do for the other 35-47 months of the four years when there are no elections? Surely they don't employ all those people full time for only a month or two's work every few years. Nope. I think I've worked it out. You know at university and high school exams, where all these exam attendants turn up who you've never seen around the campus. All those people who know nothing about the subjects you're doing the exams for? It's them. The same people. A huge, mobile workforce of objective independent arbiters who keep our exams and elections clean. They're probably also line umpires at the tennis. The exit poll results were a little confusing, as were the results from a Thomas The Tank Engine survey that was done the same day. Who is your preferred Who is your favourite Prime Minister? engine? Thomas . . . . . . . 48% Paul Keating . . . . . 46% Henry . . . . . . . 39% John Howard . . . . . 38% Gordon . . . . . . . 13% Cheryl Kernot . . . . 16% Which party did you vote Who is your favourite for? other character? The Fat Controller . 36% Labor. . . . . . . . . 35% Bertie the bus . . . 40% Liberal . . . . . . . 23% Annie & Clarabel . . 13% National . . . . . . . 15% Harold Helicopter . 11% Other . . . . . . . . 27% Anyway, election night came. And sure enough, the TV was ablaze with election coverage. ABC had "Election '96 - The Verdict". Channel 10 had "Election '96 - The Showdown", har har har. "Sheriff Paul, Sheriff Paul, big bad John Howard's comin' into town with the Coalition posse!" "OK deputy Beazley. Just keep outta sight, I'll take care of this. Where'd I put my campaign pistol?" Channel 7 and 9 also had coverage, but I didn't pay any attention - I wanted to stick with ABC so I wouldn't miss any Roy & HG. The only relief from election coverage was SBS, with only occasional updates, or Channel "What election?! - we're too busy showing left-wing lesbian sumo-wrestlers from Brunswick" 31. As it turned out, the election result was a landslide. The winner is... JOHN HOWARD, AND THE LIBERAL/NATIONAL COALITION. And with defeated Paul Keating saying he'll be leaving politics, we get to ponder about what he'll do now. Maybe he'll bring his unique personality to his new job? 7-11 - "Cat food? It's $1.80. Oh what are you complaining about?" MECHANIC - "This is the head-gasket replacement you had to have." DJ - "Oh, get a job! Let's go to the next caller." TRAIN DRIVER - "Change at Richmond for the city loop, scumbags." And that's just about all the politics in TCWF for quite some time. Hopefully. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Well, the Grand Prix hits Melbourne's Albert Park for the first time this week. The race circuit will run along existing streets, which would make it really interesting if they didn't close them off first. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This week's feature on the TCWF Web site is a wrap-up of the Political Circus. See the link from the addresses below. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The TCWF Web site is at these addresses. http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ http://tcwf.rucc.net.au http://www.highway1.com.au/tcwf/ http://www.catt.ncsu.edu/www_projects/tcwf/ Backissues are available by FTP at: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard On the Microsoft Network, go tcwf ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia-------->Where the election is FINALLY over Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu Responsibility for electoral comment is taken by... hey, who wrote this crap? "Remember, no matter which way you voted, the sun *will* come up again tomorrow." - Andrew Olle, 1947-1995. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Dunked Toxic Custard" TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES Number 289 11th March 1996 by Daniel Bowen ===================================================================== Just when we all thought it was safe to read a newspaper again... just when we thought all talk of politics would be vanquished from the conversations of those of us who have more interesting things to think about... us Victorians end up with a state election! Oh, triffic. Jeff "what do you mean, arrogant?!" Kennett versus John "don't be silly, of course you've heard of me" Brumby? Well, relief is at hand. Toxic Custard will not be covering this election in any way shape or form. So there. (Well, okay, just a bit. That bit, just above. That's it.) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - We all have had strange beliefs about how the world works. When I was a kid, I naturally used to dread the unwanted fart. Especially at school, while in class. But inevitably it would squeeze its way out. So I hit upon a plan to prevent the people around me from getting the whiff. Easy. Logical. Couldn't fail. I'd breathe it all in myself. Of course! If I got all the smelly bits, nobody else could smell it, could they! Brilliant! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - It's been a slow week. So from my email archives... From: Bowen, Daniel To: Ingram, Anthony; Smith, Brian; Shanker, Jay; Sus Bowen; Bowen, Lori; Boren, Daniel; Smith, Keith N; Moldrich, Shan Subject: Today's Horror story Date: Wednesday, 7 December 1994 9:10AM Priority: Low (Anthony - this will explain why I had that expression on my face when I came back to you to get the taxi -- and why I didn't wear my sunnies on the way to Kew) As most of you probably know, I got new sunglasses over the weekend. Very cool sunglasses, that I keep in my breast pocket while I'm not wearing them. Yesterday, just about to leave Burwood, I went to the toilet. I know you'll pardon the expression, but I needed to have a crap, so I went into a cubicle. Disgusting. Euch. Change cubicles. [Why the hell DO people go to the bog and NOT flush?!] Next cubicle. Not so bad, but it needs a quick flush. I flush. [Insert flushing sound here]. Toilet clean. But a little water on the seat. Needs a wipe. A reach for the paper dispenser to wipe it down. My sunglasses slide out of my pocket. *Splosh*. D'oh! I'm brave -- the toilet's been flushed fully -- I reach in and put them on the ground to dry out. I wipe the seat, and get on with business. I wipe the sunglasses down, dry them out. But as I'm in a hurry, I don't have time to rinse them.... eventually rinsed them out at home... and they don't even appear to have rusted! In fact, I may be wrong, but the lenses actually appear to be cleaner... Daniel - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Well, the Grand Prix was pretty impressive. Especially that crash in the first lap. The advertising puzzles me. Billboard cigarette advertising's been banned for years in this state. But the rule appears to be "if it's the Grand Prix, it's okay." Hmmm. At least the government warning has to be proportionally increased with the size of the ad, so you've got a huge, 90,000 point font saying "SMOKING KILLS" next to it. The pitstops visits were very fast, of course. Ten or fifteen seconds to refuel and change the tyres. So why is it that mechanics always take so long to repair cars? If they really tried hard, they could be finished in a matter of seconds. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Finding your favourite radio station is just a matter of working out which one has the most of the same "best of" albums as you. We've found ours, it appears to be GOLD-FM. Problem is, they keep playing the same damn songs. I'd swear they had a bunch of tapes, each with a different half-hour of songs, and they play each tape once every few days. That's why you'll hear Boomtown Rats' "Don't Like Mondays" twice in one weekend. And why Billy Joel's "Only The Good Die Young" seems to pop up so often. And just don't talk to me about Dragon's "Are You Old Enough". Still, just finding the station is a major task on our older, slightly defective stereo - the FM dial is out of whack, so you have to turn a little to the right of the advertised frequency. You can tell the stereo is old because it's silver, not black. And most of the case is made of wood. That's how old we're talking. I'm telling you, it's so old it doesn't have a 'CD' input, just an 'AUX'. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Less than three weeks now until we set out on holiday to visit relatives a.k.a. the Toxic Custard Tour Of America. Well, actually it's two weeks boiling in Phoenix, and two weeks getting wet in Seattle. With a bunch of hours hanging around LAX changing planes. During this time you can expect (at best) sporadic Toxic Custard, and probably very slow responses to subscription requests. You have been warned! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This week's feature on the TCWF Web site is the honest final version of the Political Circus. If you haven't seen the piccy of Sheriff Paul yet, get to it! See the link from the addresses below. (Something new next week, I promise!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The TCWF Web site is at these addresses. http://tcwf.rucc.net.au http://www.highway1.com.au/tcwf/ http://www.catt.ncsu.edu/www_projects/tcwf/ http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ Backissues are available by FTP at: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard On the Microsoft Network, go tcwf ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia------------> Where MOOMBA is in full swing Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu Responsibility for nothing is taken by noone and nobody. Never.-------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Family Toxic Custard" ------=====--====-=---=-====---------------------------------------- --------=---=-----=-=-=-=-------Toxic-Custard-Workshop-Files-------- --------=---=-----=-=-=-===-----by-Daniel-Bowen--------------------- --------=----====-=====-=-------18th-March-1996--------------------- "The Adventures of... F A M I L Y M A N" Faster than a crawling baby! Lifts heavy prams in a single bound! More powerful than a dose of Vallergon Isaac turned ten months old last week, but a few days earlier it was the birthday of one of his mates from the "Class of '95". Yep, first birthday - the big oh-one. One of the things you notice about babies unwrapping presents is how good they are at tearing all the paper off the parcel... then discarding the parcel and eating the paper. In fact, I've figured out what babies do when faced with any object at this age. 1. If it's small enough, they try to eat it. 2. If it's too big to eat, they pick it up and hit it against something else to make noise. 3. And if it's too big to pick up, they lean against it. Of course, over the past few months everything in the house has begun to move upwards. Anything that's in the first category that could do without being eaten, or anything in the second category that could do without being broken has been shifted out of the bottom three feet of our house. Heck, we've even ordered a new bookshelf to replace the bottom shelves vacated by the upwardly mobile possessions. I'll talk about nappy changing another time, but it's worth a quick few words about nappy folding. Because before the changing can happen, the folding has to occur. And it's not as easy as it looks - oh no. There's a bunch of different strategies, ranging from a triangle to something that approaches the complexity of an elaborate origami swan. It was this pattern that we went for. Okay, so it took a few days of practice to get it right, and months later we were still perfecting it. But it's all worth it to know that any friends who happen to be around while nappy folding takes place will gaze in awe at the speed with which we turn a simple flat piece of cloth into such a creation. For those of you with Web access, you can actually learn how to fold a nappy using this method. Just jump onto the TCWF Web page and choose "Latest feature" for the low-down. (Thanks to Elizabeth Reid for the title of this section) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - So many MORONS to choose from. There was a beauty last week, when I saw one guy in a car stopped right across a pedestrian crossing. On the top of the car could be seen a driving school sign. I really wish I'd made a note of the number. Then there was the guy this morning seen waiting at the traffic lights to turn right. He waited for a good twenty seconds with his indicator off. When the coast was clear, he made the turn. Right at the very end of turning, the masterstroke! His indicator came on, for a single flash, before he drove away. Poetry in motion. Alas, the only one I wrote down all the details for wasn't really up to the standard of these two. But what the hell. Spotted this morning in peak hour traffic on St Kilda Road was white Kingswood station- wagon FPD981, one hand on steering wheel, other hand on mobile phone. But no $135 fine for him... Ten seconds later he rammed into the car in front of him. Well, okay, no he didn't, I made that bit up. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Our neighbour lost his electricity tonight. This shouldn't have been totally unexpected - he had asked to get the account switched over to him after his flatmate moved out on the weekend, so it was only natural that they should cut the power off instead. So he rang them up, and after several millennia on hold waiting for a human to respond got an apparently quite grumpy operator who seemed to think it a bit of an imposition to ask to have the power switched back on. She asked if the mains switch was on. Like he wouldn't notice if he had decided to turn it off. Maybe she thought he sleepwalks? Or that little green leprachauns drunk after St Patricks Day had turned it off? "Because, you know if we send out a truck and it turns out the switch was off, we'll bill you $130." Oh, nice. "There's no chance you didn't just disconnect it by mistake?" "None." "Okay lady, send the truck. Send all the trucks you want. Send the whole damn fleet, just get my power back on, okay? Get my power back on before the meat spoils and I personally bring it to your office and ram it up your nose." (You know I'm just making this up, don't you? Poetic license, you know. 007, licensed to exaggerate.) So, the truck comes, with Mr Straightforward Eric Honesty in the cab. "Looks like you got cut-off! Just reconnect it here, and... presto." And there was light. Nice to know privatisation is bringing us better service. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This week's feature on the TCWF Web site is Daniel's Guide To Folding Nappies! If you'd like to learn the highly confusing Chinese Nappy method - take a look! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Also new on the TCWF Web site is the Toxic Custard Dictionary Of Computing! (This is only on the RUCC mirror so far; others in a day or two) http://tcwf.rucc.net.au http://www.highway1.com.au/tcwf http://www.catt.ncsu.edu/www_projects/tcwf http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf Backissues are available by FTP at: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--> Hey, what happened to summer this year? Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu Responsibility for something is taken by someone sometimes.------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed unmodified and without a charge provided this notice remains intact. For subscription and back-issue information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu