**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *******NUMBERS 241 TO 245*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN******* *****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no***** ***longer be correct. Please always use tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for enquiries*** "Not as late as the last Toxic Custard" ---+--- +---- + + +----+ Toxic Custard Workshop Files | | | | | Number 241, 20th March 1995 | | | | | +-- Written by Daniel Bowen | +---- +--+--+ + And delivered late again I like seminars. Seminars are good. For those of you who are still at university, or are otherwise not reputable hard-working citizens, here's a quick description of how seminars happen. First, some bright spark decides he can charge companies a few hundred bucks to get them to send their people to a glorified slide-show. For this he will hire at least one (1) Expert, and one (1) Prestigious Location, such as a five (5) star hotel. (It used to be that the best hotel was three stars. Then it was four. Now it's five. By midway through the next century, we may be at the ridiculous situation of not wanting to stay at a hotel with anything less than seventy stars. Why stars, anyway? Probably a throwback to the stars the teacher would put on good work. But my teacher used a rubber stamp elephant for this occasional occasion. Wouldn't really work, would it? Imagine hotels trying to measure up against each other by giving their ratings in terms of number of elephants.) Anyway, the delegates arrive for their seminar. At least, those who can find their way around the Hotel Labyrinth do. The others are sat waiting in the Lyndon Room instead of the Litten Room, or otherwise roaming around in droves trying to find either their room or the way out. But to those who make it, a bag or folder full of notes, and all the tea and coffee they can drink will be forthcoming (bummer if you don't drink tea or coffee). As well as vital minutes of waiting around wondering why the hell they needed an hour to register everyone and Christ, what sort of time is this for a Monday morning and bloody hell I could have got another 45 minutes' sleep. But at least you're spared of going to work for another day. You go into the theatre, and spot the control room guy halfway up the wall, watching from a booth. He looks like security, watching down on everyone. Wait. He gets on the radio. "Units 5 and 7 to the presentation area please. Third row from the back, man playing tic-tac-toe in his notes. Eject and eliminate." But actually he works the lights. When everything gets underway, you'll finally spot the presenter/s: who are almost all internationally recognised experts in their fields, but absolutely unknown by anyone else. There are good presenters, and bad presenters. There are presenters who make jokes, both good and bad, and those who don't. There are presenters who talk interestingly, and others who drone on and on for hours. But none of that makes any difference in the snoozability stakes if the content is boring. If the content is boring, then the appearance of high-wire acrobatic man-eating lions won't stop you falling asleep. (Which explains why they serve coffee.) Thankfully, a lunchbreak will occur sooner or later. Generally around lunchtime. The less scummy seminars will have a catered lunch ready, the more-so will send you out into the CBD jungle looking to scavenge some food. As the afternoon arrives, and wears on, people start to trickle out, obviously having come to the decision that it's all getting too boring. But as each presentation finishes, the most dreaded part of all happens: Question time. It drags on and on. And why? Because of the dorks who think this internationally obscure expert has come just to personally solve his/her problem. I usually feel like standing up and saying, "Excuse me?! Whatsisname has come all the way from fucking Greenland to talk about the future of gidgemythings, and you want to ask him about flange brackets?! Why don't you take your flange brackets and shove them up your fucking arse? Fuck off!" And then I get kicked out. And don't have to listen to any more of it. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Number one superfluous introduction: "This person needs no introduction..." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 36. Will it ever end? 1792-3 AD Austria and Prussia make war, not love, on France. France retaliates, and before anyone can do anything, becomes a republic. (Huh?!) Then the French further retaliate against the Austrians and Prussians by occupying Belgium. (I think they must have been a bit confused.) Britain joins in war against France with Holland, Spain, Austria and Prussia. Despite sunny weather reports, the Rain of Terror begins. 1795 Only Austria and Britain remain fighting France. A young lad known as Napoleon Bonaparte (Bonehead to his friends) becomes French Commander-In-Chief. He gets to wear a truly impressive looking tunic, with lots and lots of studs on his shoulders. 1799-1800 Britain, Turkey, Austria and Russia combine forces against France. France refuses to go running to teacher crying "help, they're ganging up on me". Bonehead defeats Austria. He adds an "Defeater of Austria" badge to his tunic. 1803 The war between Britain and France is renewed, with Spain on France's side. Bonehead sells Louisiana to the USA. Barings bank help fund the purchase. (Really!) 1804 Bonehead becomes Emperor Bonehead. 1805 One of the Pitts builds an alliance against Bonehead with Austria and Russia. Bonehead gathers an army to invade England. Nelson defeats the French and Spanish fleets at Trafalgar. Bonehead declines an "I was beaten by the Brits" badge for his tunic. 1806 Bonehead crushes Prussia at Jena, becoming master of Germany. He adds another badge to his tunic, "Master of Germany". 1808 Bonehead makes his brother Joseph the king of Spain. I guess you can do that when you're a dictator. Spain and Portugal revolt, however. (Cue the Spain and Portugal are revolting! jokes). 1812 Bonehead invades Russia. He occupies Moscow, but the Russians burn the city and he runs out of hot water bottles and is forced to retreat in the cold of the Russian winter, his army being destroyed. Tchaikovsky warms up the piano. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Most Toxic Custard back-issues are on FTP: ftp.funet.fi in /pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard ...and on the being-refurbished World Wide Web: http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/ToxicCustard.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia. May your beer be bonza.---------------- Work: bowed@cpgen.cpsg.com.au---> Computer Power Education, ITS R&D Project Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----> TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------------- All of the opinions expressed above are, unfortunately, entirely mine.----- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Hairy Toxic Custard" ,------- ,------- -------+------- | | | |----iles Number 242 |oxic |ustard | | | | 27th March 1995 | `-------`---'---'orkshop by Daniel Bowen ** As mentioned in "Beat"! ** ** And seen in "Loser Friendly"! ** ** Though I haven't seen my copy yet... ** Hair. Can't live with it. Can't live without it. Hair basically comes in these categories: 1) On your head: The stuff you're quite proud of, which you wash daily, make sure it's neat, and get it trimmed every so often. Tear it out when you're stressed. And (if you're a man) constantly worry about losing it. 2) Nasal hair / facial hair (women) / chest hair (women) / bikini line (women): The hair that you wish to eradicate at all costs, to ensure that nobody ever knows that you grew hair there. It's so imperative that you remove all traces of it that you might even be in the middle of writing a weekly dose of comedy jokes when you dash to the bathroom because you think one of them might be showing. 3) Facial hair (men): You either let it grow, or shave it off daily, because it bugs you that people would be able to see what you had for breakfast if you grew a beard. Of course, it grows back so fast that by 8pm you wonder quite why you bothered. 4) Pubic hair: Mostly ignored. 5) Leg hair: For most males, ignored. For most females and fanatical cyclists, regularly removed. Maybe cyclists worry about how their legs look? Or maybe women worry about how streamlined and fast they are? 6) Chest hair (men): Men look at their chest hair one of two ways. They either hide it away at every opportunity (but don't actually shave it off because that would be poofy), or look for ways to decorate it by hanging shiny jewellery amongst the hairs, or otherwise leaving their shirts open. Some men have the type of short curly chest hair that inspired the invention of velcro, during a fishing trip off Queensland several years ago. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THING PART 18 ==================== (Jeff and Ron walk out and onto the street. Jeff is clutching a pile of junk mail.) JEFF: Bloody hell, will you look at all this junk mail. Supermarkets, department stores, pizza shops. On a Sunday, too. Must be half a tree here. RON: What, the garden centre sent something too? JEFF: Well it might have helped if they had. At least they're actually open on Sunday. Why is it that the bulk of the junk mail arrives on Sunday? When most people are still recovering from over enthusiastic Saturday nights. They might be doing a public service if it suggested hangover cures on the back of the catalogue. RON: Why's it called a hangover? JEFF: Well, I could tell you something about it being named after a pub in Hanover, but basically it's because someone decided that sounded a lot better than "splitting bloody headache after a night's heavy drinking, serves you right for getting completely pissed at your kid's birthday party, you bastard". (They reach a set of traffic lights. Jeff presses the button.) RON: Maybe one Sunday I'll wedge all the junk mail out of the mailbox, and spend the rest of the day taking all of it back to the places that sent it out. JEFF: Why not just mail it back? RON: Because I don't think writing "Return To Sender" on it would work. How long do these traffic lights take to change? JEFF: Ron me ol' mate, the traffic light was designed by the same team of complete twerps that wrote the software in elevators. Elevators sit open as you approach, the doors invitingly open. Just as you get to them, they start to close. At that split second, you press the button, so you can try and get in. So, what does the lift do? It reasons, according to the rules provided to it in its software; it says: "Love that elevator music. All right, I'm closing the doors, but someone pressed the button. They must want the lift. But the doors, though they are currently closing, are still open. Therefore, the person can get in. So I'll keep closing the doors, and bugger off to another floor." RON: Is this strictly relevant? JEFF: Not particularly, no. Suffice to say that the brain behind the elevator excelled himself when the traffic light was born. These things are designed to delay everybody. You press the button to cross. There's hardly a car on the road, but the traffic light bides its time. Finally, just as a stream of cars approaches, the light changes, and you get to cross. You've been delayed. The cars have been delayed. And the only one happy is the traffic engineer, who's watching this happen all over town, knowing he's responsible for the national time shortage. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 37 of a very long series. 1814-15 AD Britain and America make peace after America threatens to block hamburger shipments. Paris is occupied, and emperor Bonehead abdicates. He is banished, but escapes and returns to power, but is defeated at Waterloo. 1821 Greeks revolt against Turkish rulers. They publicly mock them in the streets, showing how they can't be used for drawing straight lines because they're curved, and how they can't be used for measuring things because they skip "4" on the inches scale. The Greeks gain independence in 1829, and widely introduce right angles with built in hypotenuses. (Wow, the computer reckons I spelt "hypotenuses" right...) 1833 Some no-good rotten do-gooder abolishes slavery throughout the British Empire. 1837 Queen Victoria ascends the throne. No no no, it doesn't have enough of a sexual overtone. How about Queen Victoria *mounts* the throne. Yes, that's much better. 1852-73 David Livingstone discovers the course of the Zambesi, the Victoria Falls and Lake Nyasa, after reading about them in a tribal tourist brochure. And if you're wondering, the rest of that famous greeting goes: "Dr Livingstone, I presume? I've got your replacement American Express card, would you just sign here..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Most Toxic Custard back-issues are available at: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard and on the being refurbished World Wide Web at: http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwfhtml2/main.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia. Are we happy little Vegemites today?--- Work: bowed@cpgen.cpsg.com.au---> Computer Power Education, ITS R&D Project Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----> TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------------- All of the opinions expressed above are, unfortunately, entirely mine.----- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Toxic Custard - It's The Law" --+-- .--- . . . .--- `-- `--- `--'--' |--- NuMbEr 243, 3rD aPrIl 1995 tOxIc CuStArD wOrKsHoP fIlEs WrItTeN bY dAnIeL bOwEn I saw "Star Trek - Generations" over the weekend. Great movie. But I'll tell you what I want to know: Why do none of the spacecraft have seat belts? Whenever there's a battle, whenever a ship crashes into the ground, all you see are people being thrown all over the place. They may have made great advances, with wondrous medical gadgets that can heal wounds in seconds, but they wouldn't need half of that stuff if they just used seatbelts. The amazing thing about Star Trek is the guy who operates the "Red Alert" button. He is incredibly quick. Next time you watch, note the time delay between Riker saying "Red alert" and the alarm going off. Milliseconds. And no, it's not the computer - I saw Worf do it once. And never, ever, have I seen better automatic doors than on Star Trek. People go to walk through them, change their minds, pause to say some last few words... none of this throws the door. The second the person has finally gone through, it shuts. Imagine trying that with 20th century automatic doors. You'd end up with your nose sliced off. Technology is getting smaller and cheaper all the time, of course. I reckon the first person to develop a combined Walkman/mobile phone will be onto a winner. Okay, I admit it, I have a mobile phone. Not really because I'm important enough to be contacted anytime. Just 'cos I like having it. Hey, if I want to lie on the beach and phone the speaking clock in Nairobi, I will! (Yeah yeah, sure, shout Yuppie at me). But I've rediscovered the Walkman now. Keeps me occupied on my way to work. You know, in the ol' green and yellow limousine. But if there's one thing that will advance portable sound more than anything this decade; one thing that they should be concentrating on beyond all else, it's an unlosable battery cover. These things must disappear through the same wormhole as all the biro lids. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - You may be wondering how the pregnancy's going. Well, young Isaac Bowen is due to be born in early May. It's been going quite well, though anyone who says inflation is low at the moment hasn't been around to our house in a while. Lori's cravings haven't been too bad (though we found ourselves roaming the streets last Sunday looking for a hamburger with just the *right* amount of beetroot). The antenatal classes have been fun, so far. I haven't messed around with lots of people on mats on the floor since I was in high school PE class. I've just started reading the baby book on the tram on the way to work. Naturally I make sure everyone can see the cover to ensure my status as a SNAG is promoted. Just hope none of my friends see. Nah, only kidding. Amongst most of my friends, I'm the advance party, heading into the unknown ground of marriage and children. See you on the other side of middle age, lads. Today I wanted to start to make the kid aware of what the world outside is like. They say they can hear stuff from outside, so I tried to pass a message on. "Good afternoon Isaac, this is your captain speaking. You'll be touching down in around 5 weeks. Until then, you'll be cruising at an average walking speed of around 5 kilometres an hour. Please make a note the nearest exit, immediately below you. We hope you enjoy your gestation." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 38 of a fairly sizeable quantity. 1853-56 Britain and Russia go head to head in the Crimean war. When it is found that British HQ is completely out of candles, and electric light bulbs haven't been invented yet, the famous Charge Of The Light Brigade commences. 1860-65 AD American Civil War breaks out after eleven southern states decide they'd like to keep their Negro slaves please please pretty please we'll only persecute them a little bit dammit what business of yours if we have slaves anyway bugger off out of it. Abraham Lincoln decides the slaves have more right to freedom than the South has to slaves, and before you can say Civil Rights, war breaks out. Eventually the South surrenders, and General Lee, their commander, is made to prance naked around the Appomattox Court House while people throw rotten fruit at him. 1865 Abraham Lincoln is assassinated. Mystery surrounds the shooting, questions especially asked about why the play was being performed on the grassy knoll in the first place. 1869 The Suez canal is opened, providing a vital shipping link between the Atlantic ocean and the supermarket. 1870 Napoleon III declares war on Prussia, before having his armies completely pounded into the ground at Metz and Sedan. Oops. Bit of a tactical error there. 1877 Russia comes to the aid of Serbs, Montenegrans, Rumanians and Bulgarians under Turkish rule. The Turks are defeated; only under threat from Britain and Austria does Russia stop the war. This sort of thing would have been damned tricky without the leaders being able to have a slanging match on CNN. Not even international phone calls to help. Britain and Austria might take so long to come to an agreement by correspondence, by the time the messengers get to Russia to pass on the threat, Turkey has been turned into the Tsar's new holiday home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Most Toxic Custard back-issues are available at: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard and on the being refurbished World Wide Web at: http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwfhtml2/main.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia. May your platypus not get warts-------- Work: bowed@cpgen.cpsg.com.au---> Computer Power Education, ITS R&D Project Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----> TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------------- All of the opinions expressed here are absolutely and totally mine.-------- Be honest Mr Van Gogh, isn't this just a publicity stunt? - Pardon? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "The Knights Of Custard" T O X I C :::: :: :: :: :: C U S T A R D :: :: :: :: :: W O R K S H O P ::: :::::: :::::: written by Daniel Bowen F I L E S ::::: :: :: 10th April 1995 It's late at night. You're tired and/or tipsy. Your brain is powering down for the evening. And you are the FUNNIEST person in the world. Whether or not you'll think so the morning after is another matter. Which leads us on directly to this-: WARNING: THE FOLLOWING FOUR JOKES ARE THE DIRECT CONSEQUENCE OF A LATE-NIGHT SCRABBLE GAME, AND THEREFORE CONTAIN SOME VERY FRUITY LANGUAGE AND HUMOUR OF DOUBTFUL QUALITIES. Late night Scrabble game joke #1 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - (From a word which almost appeared on Brian's Scrabble stand) The legend of King Arthur lives on through time. But throughout, one bold knight has been always missed. Always left out. One knight has always been glossed over by those who have passed on the legend from generation to generation. His name: Sir Cuntalot. Yes, Sir Cuntalot. The knight who never got announced by the heralds. The knight who never got a proper nameplate at the round table. Sir Cuntalot, left out of the quest for the Holy Grail because everyone was too embarrassed to put him on the invitation list. Sir Cuntalot, whose deeds seemed always to get related into bawdy pub stories, but never into the hallowed deeds of King Arthur and his knights. Late night Scrabble game joke #2 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - (From talking about Ren And Stimpy) What rolls down bums, Alone or in spurts Runs out of your neighbour's dog What smells like gas, comes out of your ass It's Shit, Shit, Shit! It's Shi-it, Shi-it, It's brown, it's smelly, it's poo It's Shi-it, Shi-it, It's better than crap, it's good Late night Scrabble game joke #3 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - (From another word which almost appeared on Brian's Scrabble stand) LesBowen. (n.) A female homosexual member of the Bowen family. And frankly, Grandad would turn in his grave. If he were dead. Anyway, I don't want to raise any more rumours about my sister. Late night Scrabble game joke #4 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - (From a discussion on Leo Kotke) Some musicians are not all that popular with the general public, but known and respected through the music industry. These are described as "musician's musicians". But suppose a number of musician's musicians agree that they admire the work of another musician. Doesn't that make that person a musician's musician's musician? (Further discussion concerning a musician's musician's musician's dog will not be entered into at this stage.) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The Toxic Custard Film Summary: "Easyrider" (M, 1969) Guys do drug deal, make pots of money. Ride to Mardi Gras on motor bikes. Visit hippy commune. Pick up Jack Nicholson. Jack killed by rednecks. Visit whore-house. Get high. Killed by more rednecks in 1969's "Most Unlikely Ending" Oscar-winning scene. ("Well, me and Clem were riding along in the truck. We saw a couple of them hippies. So we thought shit, may as well kill 'em. So we did. Then we went for a beer.") - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 39. Only a century to go. 1880-1896 AD African colonies become more fashionable than basketball cards, as most European countries join in the "scramble for Africa". The French occupy Tunisia, the British take Egypt, and Germany nabs a whole bunch of countries. Italy turns up late, in 1896, and is defeated while trying to take over Ethopia. Nice one, lads. 1898-1902 British settlers get so bored with the African landscape that they start the Boer War. The Boers are naturally not too pleased about this very bad pun, and fight back. 1901 Australia becomes a self-governing dominion. Not that the rest of the world cares, but this is around about the first time we've got even a mention in this history thing, so live with it. Queen Victoria karks it. Several pall bearers are squashed while trying to get the coffin out of the hearse. (NB: Can anyone tell me how to spell "karks it", meaning "dies"? I can't find it in the dictionary) 1904 Britain and France establish 'Entente Cordiale' (Raspberry cordial) at a Cottees factory near Calais. 1904-5 Russia has a tiff with Japan over Chinese territories. It occurs to neither of them that the Chinese should have the land. Russia is forced to make peace after millions of Japanese Mario Brothers characters attack, throwing flaming barrels, girders and wild snapjaws at their enemies. 1907 Two power blocs form in Europe. No-one can quite work out where the k disappeared from the word "blocs", but the two sides are Germany and Austria, and Britain France and Russia. 1908 Austria annexes Bosnia. Oh, and Herzogovina. Wow, you mean those two are separate places? (Ducks to avoid Serb mortar fire). 1910 Union of South Africa forms, taking in the Cape of Good Hope, Natal, Orange Free State, the Transvaal, and the shitty bits in the middle where the Blacks are made to live. 1911 Germany sends a warship to Agadir, in an attempt to stop the French penetration of Morocco. Gee, no wonder these Frenchies have such a randy reputation. 1912-13 Two Balkan wars result in the expulsion of Turkey from Europe. Ummm.. Pardon? Sorry Turkey, but you're being removed from this particular continent. Yes, you'll be an island from June onwards. Yes, we call it artificial continental drift. Britain introduces an Irish Home Rule Bill which nearly leads to civil war in Ireland. They decide to try again later. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Most Toxic Custard back-issues are available at: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard and on the being refurbished World Wide Web at: http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwfhtml2/main.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia. Land of a thousand tonnes of koala shit Work: bowed@cpgen.cpsg.com.au---> Computer Power Education, ITS R&D Project Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----> TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------------- All of the opinions expressed here are mine. Mine, mine, mine. Get your own ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Easterly Toxic Custard" __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ | t | o | x | i | c | | c | u | s | t | a | r | d | \__/ \__/ \__/ \__/ \__/ \__/ \__/ \__/ \__/ \__/ \__/ \__/ \__/ Number 245, Easter weekend '95. Written by Daniel Bowen All right, Easter weekend! Just about the longest of the long weekends, except for Christmas. Four days of unadulterated bliss. Okay, considering what's being remembered on Friday, it doesn't quite make sense to call it "Good", but I can live with that. Jesus gave that we might have a long weekend. Hmmm, doesn't quite have the same kind of ring to it, does it? But let's face it, is there any better thing to do over a long weekend than stuff yourself with chocolate? No, I don't think so. I can just see the dentists and the confectioners rubbing their hands together with glee, actually. The week before Easter is probably when Darrell Lea justifies their existence. Organised chocolate binges are one of the true signs that we are living in an advanced civilisation. (The other one is making use of class 1 laser devices to listen to music). Speaking of chocolate companies, can anyone name the creepiest building in Melbourne? Gotta be 636 St Kilda Road, right? The Cadbury/Schweppes building. It's the eye at the top that does it, looking like it's spying on the surrounding suburbs. Even worse at night; it glows purpley-blue. Spooky. Was the architect smoking some very well mixed illegal substances when he thought that up? Or was he just extremely paranoid? Or maybe he decided that instead of Cadbury's image being all sweetness and light and chocolate, it should be dark, foreboding, intrusive and creepy. "The goodness of a glass and a half of milk in every family sized block. And remember, WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The special effects at concerts are getting more impressive. The laser shows, formerly designed to impress, are now designed to partially blind you, and contain subliminal messages telling you to buy the band's new album. The lights and lasers can be incredibly bright. You wouldn't want to be an epileptic. But then, you wouldn't want to be one anyway. Any band that's been around more than about 10 years are desperate to expose some of their new songs to the crowd. The crowd, of course, just want to hear the oldies. The ones they can sing along to. I think there's now an unofficial competition for the biggest band, with the most 747s, bringing in the biggest concert sets with the most tons of equipment. U2 vs Rolling Stones vs Madonna vs Nick's Cabaret Act. Every time a big act comes to town, you see reports on the news saying that "XXX arrived today, with more than YYY tons of equipment, filling ZZZ semi-trailers. We talked to head engineer Jock McScaffold (because the band themselves were too stoned to go on TV)..." Bloody hell, the Rolling Stones even got a story on Beyond 2000! Perhaps this is twisting that programme's format of showing new technology just a bit too far. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 40. World War I, mostly. In fact all of it, I think. 1914 AD In that most peaceful of European cities, Sarajevo, the heir to the Austrian throne is assassinated, setting off World War I. The Germans sweep through neutral Belgium, giving it the first good cleaning in a century, and find Grandma's gold ring under a rug. They are halted only a few miles from Paris, when they realise they didn't bring change for the Metro. By October, the Allies have fought back, and the struggle turns to trench warfare. Meanwhile, in a country not far away, the Russians arrive at the Prussian border, and attempt to remove the Ps from all the border signs. 1915 Both sides make costly attempts to break though, without success. On the Eastern Front, the Germans push the Russians back. Both sides start sending in heavily disguised spies, most of them dressed in overcoats. This becomes known as trenchcoat warfare. Turkey, fighting with Germany (I think that means fighting with, not fighting *with*), tries to cut the Suez canal, but fails because it is impossible to cut water. The Brits fail to open communications with Russia through the Black Sea by forcing the Dardanelles and landing troops (mostly other people's) on the Gallipoli peninsula. (Insert damning criticism of British military and heart-felt praise for Australian and New Zealand army here. Well, it is ANZAC day next week, you know.) 1916 Trench warfare continues with huge losses on both sides. The Germans and British have a sea-battle off Legoland, the Germans having their botties soundly smacked. The Arabs, helped by Peter O'Toole, rebel against the Turks. 1917 Anti-war feeling in Russia leads to the overthrow of the Czar. The provisional government's attempt to continue the war enables Lenin and the Bolsheviks to seize power. (Insert Beatles and Marx Brothers jokes here.) In April, the USA, under pressure from CNN to help increase its ratings, declares war. While the Allies welcome the American help, they tell the USA to be on time next time, or they won't be given dessert. 1918 The Germans launch their final offensive, but fail to break through. The Allies counter-attack, and the Germans sue for armistice in November. Germany becomes a republic, promising never ever ever to do it again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Most Toxic Custard back-issues are available at: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard and on the being revamped World Wide Web at: http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwfhtml2/main.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia. Watch out, low flying wallabies-------- Work: bowed@cpgen.cpsg.com.au---> Computer Power Education, ITS R&D Project Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----> TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------------- All of the opinions in this thing are mine. You can have them if you want-- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided this notice remains intact. For subscription and back-issue information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu