**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *****************************THE BACK ISSUES******************************** ***********PARTS ONE HUNDRED AND ELEVEN TO ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN********** (Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia) (Send e-mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu) _______________________________________________________________________________ Toxic Custard: The Next Generation ///////// ////// /// /// //////// /// /// /// Toxic Custard Workshop Files /// /// /// /// /// /// /// /// Number 111- 31st August 1992 /// /// /// /// /// /////// /// /// /// by Daniel Bowen_______ /// /// /// /// /// /// /// /// ///_______________________ /// ////// /////////// /// /// /// ///_______________________________ Due to the current economic climate, it has become necessary for Toxic A Custard Megaproductions Ltd to perform an overview of its performance. To remain profitable, all facets of TCWF operations will need to be g rationalised. We must emphasise that this will in no way affect the r humorous service provided to the general reading public. Careful e examination has revealed that the signature file plays a largely a useless role, and that the plug for back-issues could be revamped to t make it leaner, to not use up so many lines. In fact, a trial period of a merged plug and signature will take place for the next two weeks. The m weekly TCWF heading could be economised, with a line saving of at least a 40%, and the blank lines between items will need to be looked at very n carefully to see if they are of benefit. o - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - n c GULF NEWS e Following the Allied plan to impose a new restriction on Iraqi air-force operations, Iraqi aircraft are now limited to flying between s the 32nd and 36th parallels, leaving them only four degrees to fly in. a This is to stop them giving the Kurds and Shi-ites the third degree. i An even newer draft plan, drafted and planned by Generals d Eagleburger and Fries at the Pentagon, would further limit Iraqi air , operations. The generals conceived this completely brilliant plan whilst standing at the newly opened Pentagon urinal, the Pentagonal. " Under the plan, in addition to having to stay south of the 36th L parallel, and north of the 32nd parallel, the Iraqi scumsucking fly-die i bastards would also have to fly only between the 44th and 45th (east) f parallels on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and between the 43rd and e 44th (east) parallels on Tuesdays, Thursdays and weekends. Also, south of the 33rd parallel would be out of bounds on all days with Rs in i them. Only pilots with beards may fly on Wednesdays and Fridays. And s all planes must be painted with big targets on each side, and have "Shoot me!" stickers on the back. a "This", says General Eagleburger, "will annoy the shit outta that God'damned Saddam no end, which after all is the major objective. We b want to make him real angry, so he's off his guard on the toilet and u then our lavatorial explosives experts can... oh, err, I'm not meant to n talk about that." c General Fries would only add that he thought that whoever named the h capital of Kuwait as Kuwait City could have been more original. o - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - f THE DENTURES OF POPSICLE: THE CASE OF THE SPOCKLED BOND Part Three t h Popsicle, having almost recovered in hospital from the last i episode, was back on the streets, which was good for the honest n citizens, and bad for all the nasty people out there. g Inspector Unnecessary-Violence was also out on the streets, which s was pretty bad for everyone. He was pretty angry, but then, he almost always was. He was just an angry sort of person. He had been known to t strangle automatic teller machines when they had told him he couldn't h withdraw an amount such as $47.32. It's pretty hard to strangle an ATM, a but the Inspector had been *that* angry, that he'd managed it. But t today he was angrier. Not at quite his angriest, but nevertheless quite angry. Angry enough, in fact, that you wouldn't want to so much as l consider thinking about looking in his direction. Not that that was a e problem for the average citizen walking along the street, who, though a they were as honest as Mother Teresa, would still avert their eyes d whenever a police car drove past. Anyway, the Inspector was quite especially angry today because... umm... Oh well, he didn't need a t reason. He was just angry, that's all. That's about all I wanted to get o across in this paragraph, so we'll move right along with the plot, such that there is. o Popsicle was determined to discover which dastardly bastard had t been behind his predicament in the previous episode. So he and the h Inspector went to see an old informer of his, who, he thought, would e coincidentally be able to provide all the vital information after only r a few threats of violence. Not only would this speed up everything, but the author would be able to get to the good bit with the villain t without going through the rigmarole of finding clues and forensic stuff h and all that crap. After all, what makes a good detective story? Is it i the careful consideration of all the tiniest clues by some smart-arse n in a deerstalker? No, it's action. It's car chases and gun fights and g threatening informers, isn't it. Yes, it is. s Popsicle's informant was none other than Joe Sleazebag, a down and . out former flared trousered backing singer with some non-entity 70's " singer who probably still rated quite highly on the "Middle-Aged Crimplene Brigade Easy Listening Hottest Guy Survey" listings. Joe was W down and out, and consequently lived in a non-furnished basement h apartment unit that didn't have a roof, or to put it another way, a a hole. Joe was tough, in the way that a piece of putrid rotting t lamb-cutlet that's been sitting in the bottom of the barbecue since the last pool party four months ago is tough. He was tough, smelly, and had w loads of insects crawling all over him. o But that didn't stop Inspector Unnecessary-Violence grabbing Joe by r what was left of his collars and shaking him up and down so much that d his used condom collection fell out and scattered all over his old s newspaper. The Inspector spoke: "Okay scum!!! Listen, prick!! Just listen!! Don't say a word back!! Just listen! I want you to be o absolutely quiet and still while my mate here has a word with you. I f don't want a sound!! Not one little tiny syllable until we're gone, okay!?" t "Sure", Joe said, rubbing his eyes as he woke up. r "Oh!!", added the Inspector. "That doesn't really apply to any u information you might think of as relevant to the case we're on at the t moment that you want to give us, okay fuckwit?!" h "Sure", Joe repeated, glancing down to see how far off the ground his feet were. i "Hello, Joe", said Popsicle. "I'm wondering if you can help me." n Popsicle briefly explained the situation, what had happened, and the d Raymondian school of thinking on individualism, only embellishing e slightly his own role in the proceedings to make him sound more tough e and world-weary. d Joe thought for several seconds before giving them a name. Not the . name he had in his mind for Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, which involved illegal sexual practices with small animals and scuba-gear. But the name of the villain of the piece. A man so ruthless, so evil and generally naughty, that his identity would have to wait until the next episode to be revealed. Bummer, eh? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen -- Daniel Bowen, Monash University,\ That was another Toxic Custard. If you'd like Melbourne, Australia------------/ to get back-issues, and let's face it, only daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----\ a monolothic sludgeball masochist would, TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-/ reply to this, or mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu _______________________________________________________________________________ Toxic Contaminated Waste Fumes TOXIC CONTAMINATED WASTE FUMES NUMBER 112 7TH SEPTEMBER 1992 ============================== ========== ================== It's all very well those environmentally friendly products having G pictures of dolphins on the labels, isn't it, but what about organising r some sort of thing for the environmentally UNfriendly stuff? Like a e picture of a barbed-wire fishing net with grenades attached, and the e caption "Warning: downright deadly to peaceloving dolphins, orphans in n third world countries and small beavers living in South America. Our p company is dedicated to making as much money as possible. We pride e ourselves on our remarkable record of causing the extinction of a fifty-three species last month. This product is guaranteed to contain a c minimum of six toxic chemicals, four of which actively destroy the e ozone layer." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - h a THE NATURAL LAW PARTY - MANIFESTO s Man, the Labor and Liberal parties have got it wrong, you know. So we at the Natural Law Party would like to get this country moving again v with the following policies: o * Promote good vibes and cooperation between political rivals by w giving them all some really good weed. e * Impose taxes on bad karma and heaviness. d * Encourage big business to knock down their horrible buildings in the cities and build really cool and beautiful parks and streams t and giant statues of the Maharishi Gomesh Ramka. o * Tax incentives for beards (and grants for underarm hair for our feminine sisters in the community at large). s * Promotion of animal rights, because, like, animals are just t people who just aren't aware that they're really people yet. And o we don't eat people, do we. We will introduce positive counselling p for all animals to help them realise that they are people too. Besides, right, animals are the only friends we've got. a * Complete reform of hospitals. We will replace surgeons and nurses n with groove healers and healthy vibe merchants. Hospitals will be y painted lots of colourful colours, and be renamed as "Refuges For The Untogether Healthwise". m * A change to recreation and sport, encouraging opposing teams to o stop hammering each other into the ground and start getting really r mellow. To embrace the ball, the goal posts, the umpires, the e spectators, and each other, and instead of playing matches every weekend afternoon, to hold a four hour seminar rally commune of A love at the sports ground. u * Support for groovy small businesses. Like if someone wants a grant s so they can open a penis tie-dying boutique that loses $3000 a t day, then we'll give them the bread. r * Our Veterans policy is one of love. We know that Veterans and those a heavy RSL dudes don't love us, but we love them. We love them all, l and when they decide they want to come to the party and share the i weed, we'll welcome them with open doors, man. a * The armed forces to be converted over three years into a band of n travelling gypsy singers. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - T o THE ADVENTURES OF POPSICLE: THE SPECKLED BAND Part Four x i Mr Popsicle and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence had now got the name of c the villain they were after, who it just so turned out was an infamous dealer of drugs, guns, "Puff The Magic Dragon" videos and other C outlawed articles. His name was Reginald Completebastardprick, and he u was known well to the agents of the Australian Royal Security s Establishment as a cunning lying scumbag worm-like deposit of pus, and t just the type of person they would have recruited if they could've a caught him. r Popsicle, of course, would bring him in. Or at least, he would try. d Because Popsicle was brave, ruthless, and well-known for bending the s rules slightly in that way that so many brave and ruthless detective- type characters are these days. Popsicle vowed, and bet with his f colleagues, that he would be able to bring in Completebastardprick r before the end of the seventh episode of the story. That's how o confident he was. Mind you, Popsicle was always a pretty confident m bloke. He was so confident that if he thought he'd left the house without locking the door, he wouldn't go back to check because he was r confident enough to believe that no burglar would even dare to break e into his house. He was so confident of this because his house had a a triple-layer of electrified barbed wire, ten vicious guard dogs who c been on a diet of green beans for two weeks and a security system that h when triggered blasted Barry Manilow's greatest hits around the i neighbourhood at 120 decibels. n Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, on the other hand, was angry. But g we went into all that in the last episode, so we'll dispense with the needless character building and get on with the story. F Having obtained the information that Reginald Completebastardprick r was behind the vicious and nasty and horrific crime of whatever it was a had happened in the first episodes, Popsicle and the Inspector got down n to the Files room pronto to see if they could get any further c information on R.C. e The Files clerk, Phil E. Schuffler, was a pedantic little git, and . everyone knew it. He was the sort of person, had he been a librarian, would have gone around personally to your house the day after your S library book was due. He was not a librarian, but this didn't make o things any easier for the members of A.R.S.E when they wanted , information. Phil's work made the Files room a model of efficiency and tidiness, which prevented entirely any actual crime-fighting work from F being done within. r Nevertheless, Popsicle knew that this was where the plot was headed, e so he went down to the Files room to get the information. Phil was n sweeping the floor of the rather thin layer microscopic molecules of c dust that had deposited there since the last time he had swept the h floor, about five minutes before. He looked up with a disapproving face at Popsicle as he walked in. Files were made to be filed, believed r Phil. If files had meant to be taken out of their filing cabinets and e looked at, then they wouldn't have bothered to invent filing cabinets a to keep the files in. They would have just shoved all the files all d over the place so they could be looked at more easily. e With Phil looking on, despairing about the treatment of his r precious files, and vowing that there would be a payback if any hairs, s fingerprints or dog-ears appeared on any of them, Popsicle and the , Inspector pored over the veritable Pears Cyclopedia of information before them. They found out that Reginald Completebastardprick's w favourite colour was red, he was known to wear "L.A. Looters" caps, and a that he had a nasty tendency towards self abuse, having been witnessed t several times shouting names at himself into a mirror. c Having gained this spurious information, and a shitload of more h important information, Popsicle and the Inspector left the A.R.S.E. building, and headed out into the world, looking for Reginald o Completebastardprick, and the next episode. u ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ t Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen ! -- Daniel Bowen, Monash University,/ Another Toxic Custard has bean and gone. Melbourne, Australia------------\ Butt if you'd like to feast yore eyes on daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----/ the oldies but goldies, just reply two this, TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-\ ore send mail too tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu _______________________________________________________________________________ Read only Toxic Custard /\ /\ \ \ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ \ \ TOXIC CUSTARD / \ / \ / /\ / \ / / / / /\/ / WORKSHOP FILES / /\/ / /\/ / / /\ / /\ \ / / / / \ / -------------- / / / / \ / / / \ \/ / / / / /\/ / Number 113 O / / \ \ \ / / /\/ / / / / \ / 14th September k \/------\/------\/--\/------\/--\/----\/ -------------- a y The Paralympics for the psychically handicapped are currently underway , in Barcelona. And after they've finished, next up is the Psycholympics, a set of events specifically for athletes with disorders of the mind. a Events include: l - the paranoid marathon: the runners just keep running, because they l think there's someone after them. They run out of the stadium, get into a taxi to the airport and get on the first plane out of the country r using a forged passport and a fake moustache i - 100 metres freestyle for hydrophobics and people with water g fixations h - agoraphobiacs' gymnastics, held *inside* the horse t - high-diving for barophobiacs' , - manic depressive sprint. Runners don't care if they win or lose, they just want to die f - debating competitions for hysterics a - schizophrenia relay running (one runner per team) i - psycho-somatic skeet shooting, where competitors imagine they have r a gun and the target is just a figment of their imagination due to the stress of it all. e - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - n o THE ADVENTURES OF POPSICLE: THE SPECKLED BUM Part Five u g First, a quick precis. Precis. h , And now, on with the story. Mr Popsicle, secret agent from the Australian Royal Security Establishment, and Inspector Unnecessary- I Violence from the police Deadly Extreme Anger Tactical Hit Squad, are ' on the tail of notorious nasty bloke Reginald Completebastardprick, and l are also hoping to arrest the author, who has managed to string out a l meaningless story with no plot to five episodes (and counting). Having obtained all the information about Completebastardprick (or b 'Prick, as he was known to his colleagues), Popsicle and the Inspector u began to cruise the streets looking for him. Normally they would have y cruised the streets in their super-cool speedmobile, which looked like a fish, and drove like a fish, and spewed more pollution into the air t than a whale spews water up through that little hole in the top. But h the fact was that the speedmobile looked rather conspicuous for an a undercover operation, looking, as it did, like a giant moving fish on t wheels with genuine scales. And besides, it was broken down, so they , got their zone 1 2 and 3 travelcards and jumped on a 246 bus, keeping their eyes peeled. s Popsicle was the first to spot Completebastardprick's trademark "LA u Looters" cap (have we done that gag to death yet?), as well as the rest r of him, waiting on Richmond station for a Dandenong train, and he leapt e for the cord to get the bus to stop. As soon as the back door opened, , the good guys tumbled out of bus and sprinted up the ramp to the station, weaving through forty-thousand schoolkids on their way to the f Show. They got to the top just as the train pulled out, the guard in i the backmost doorway grinning smugly at them, enjoying their annoyance n immensely. e A few minutes later they jumped onto the next train going the same way, and as they pulled into Caulfield, spotted their quarry outside at b a tram stop. The Inspector, by now in a major rage (as opposed to his y more usual minor rage) foolishly let slip "Stopyoudickheadwe'rethegood- guysandyou'reunderarrestandwe'regoingtothumpyoutooforwhatyoudidmother- m fuckersocomequietly" at a level of several hundred angry decibels. e 'Prick heard this, and jumped into the cab of the coming tram, , waving a conveniently handy gun in the driver's face and ordering him to go full speed down the street, leaving behind half a dozen enraged c passengers, four of whom decided on the spot to write to their MPs o about it, and they would have, too, if they'd known who their MPs were. r Popsicle and the Inspector waved their ID's and travelcards in a r bus-driver's face and ordered him to "follow that tram!", which was e something Popsicle had always secretly hoped he'd be able to do one c day. Actually he'd preferred to have said "follow that cab", but you t had to take an opportunity when it presented itself to you. In fact, he , could have said "follow that cab", but the bus driver would probably have followed a nearby cab which was going in what could be considered f the completely wrong direction. Anyway, while the driver got on with i that, Popsicle and the Inspector stuck their heads out of the bus n windows and shouted obscenities at the fast vanishing tram, and at the e curious onlookers who didn't usually see events this exciting and , dynamic happening, and mostly presumed they were just filming a commercial for a new brand of potato chips. r The tram screeched around the corner, under the railway bridge and i into Normanby Road, in the process cutting off three Volvos (Volvoes?) g and a short fat man in a Mercedes, but no-one cared. The bus was slowly h gaining, but the faster speed was being thwarted by a steady stream of t passengers pulling the cord to get off at various stops along the way. , As the final old lady with an afternoon's worth of shopping from the bargain basement at Chadstone got off, Popsicle knew in his bones that a they'd be able to catch Completebastardprick. b The bus drew along side the speeding tram, and Popsicle climbed s through the bus skylight onto the roof, leaving the Inspector to take o out his frustrations on someone's kid who'd been left behind. Keeping l low to avoid being barbecued by the tram power wires, Popsicle steadied u himself before taking a cliched running leap off the bus and towards t the swaying back end of the tram. Just as he jumped, the tram surged e forward, leaving Popsicle plummeting through the air, heading fast l towards the ground. Which, on all accounts, is nice enough to land on y from a height of about three feet at slow speed, but which is not so , great when landing on it from six feet up at a speed approaching that of a crowd of hippies running for the nearest bucket after accidentally n biting into a double beef and beef burger with extra beef. He grabbed o at the nothingness, arms flailing, and managed to get a hand onto the tram's power pole. The weight of him pulled it down from the wire, and p the tram, deprived of its wattage of life, began to slow as Popsicle r slammed into the back of the tram. o b *JOIN US NEXT TIME FOR THE AMAZINGLY FINAL l EPISODE OF THIS ADVENTURE OF MR POPSICLE!* e m ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o You have been feasting your eyeballs on yet another , episode of the Toxic Custard Workshop Files. And if you require dessert, old issues are available on y request. Or in text form. Simply send mail to e tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. p ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ . Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen -- Daniel Bowen, Monash University,/ Scrubbing and washing and drying and ironing Melbourne, Australia------------\ Cleaning up after the cat has thrown up daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----/ Tying up papers and taking out bins TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-\ These are a few of my favourite things _______________________________________________________________________________ Nestle Free Toxic Custard |__ __ | ___ | | | ___ | | | | | | | | | | __ | | |____ 21st September 1992 |__ |_____ |__________ |__ |__ |__ |__ by Daniel Bowen THE ADVENTURES OF MR POPSICLE - THE SPECTACLED BRAND Part Six Mr Popsicle, truly incredible and lovable and delicious secret agent of J the Australian Royal Security Establishment is getting quite close to u catching that well-known character of dubious repute and winner of the s 1992 Fuckhead Of The Year Award, Reginald Completebastardprick. t Popsicle scraped himself off the back of the tram, which he had s spectacularly (well, as spectacularly as you can do in a written story) o leapt onto at the end of the last episode. He steadied himself on the ground, which he had finally reached, though he had originally been in y no hurry, and reached for his trusty nun. I mean gun. Inspector o Unnecessary-Violence jumped out of the following bus and joined u Popsicle, and they stalked slowly alongside the tram towards the cab, where Completebastardprick had been last seen. k They changed their plans quite speedily when a volley of gunshots n rang out from the front of the tram. To be precise, from the villain's o gun, which was in the vicinity of the front of the tram, in the w villain's hand, to be precise. If armed and dangerous trams roamed the , streets trying to shoot people, the Public Transport Corporation would be in seriously even more economic strife than they are already. T Anyway, Completebastardprick fired at Popsicle and the Inspector o several times, which was a fairly logical thing to do in the x circumstances, and well defined as equitable under his contract of i employment in this story as a Criminal (Third Class) under the federal c labour laws. Popsicle and the Inspector, as was to be expected in the circumstances, took cover and fired back, which was also their role as C listed in their contracts as Hero (1st Class) and Sidekick (1st Class). u The authorised Sidekick then radioed back to the Australian Royal s Security Establishment Headquarters of Operations, Logistics and t Eavesdropping for some assistance in their current predicament. ARSE a superdooper cars, tanks, helicopters and more tanks appeared from r nowhere and completely surrounded the area, thus ensuring that this d scene would be too expensive ever to be made for television. Completebastardprick was still hiding in the cab, having been left h alone there by the tram driver, who had recently decided to leave his a post for sunnier, friendlier, and more peaceful climes, and managed s within two minutes to find a van operated by the world-famous Monsieur Whippy where he could get a nice ice cream with choc-nut topping and a b Flake bar sticking out of it at a quite alarming angle. o Popsicle's voice rang out on the ARSE public-address system which y had been brought along for just such an occasion. "Okay Complete- c bastardprick, come quietly or we'll make it *very* noisy for you!" o The reply came back, shouted from Completebastardprick, who was in t quite a reckless mood: "No way, fuckers! You won't fuckin' take me a- t fucking-live! So fuck off!" e d *OH DAMN, WE'RE OUT OF SPACE AND THE STORY STILL ISN'T FINISHED. LOOK, I PROMISE IT WILL END NEXT WEEK, OKAY? PROMISE. ABSOLUTELY N PROMISE. WITH A CHERRY ON TOP, OR WHATEVER ELSE YOU WANT.* e - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - s t Oh there was a man who in this song l His name was called John Smith e 'Twas a boring name but 'twas not wrong For John was the name that he was named with p r John Smith he had a job you see o Though thousands others didn't d While John worked earning a bob or three u All those others they all couldn't c t So John was a soul, a happy old soul s His week was five days long . And as he trotted off to work each morn He'd sing this happy song: D o "Oh nothin' could be finer n Than to be a uranium miner ' I'm happy 'bout my task t Don't care if I glow in the dark" a And then one day a few months on s Old John he caught some flu k He sneezed and was surprised to find His snot was all bright blue w h He went to the doc and sang at him y "Doc why is my snot blue? , It's really quite alarming as My piss is bright blue too". i f The doctor, he sat at his desk 'Twas pine or maybe teak y He picked up a clipboard and a pen o As he began to speak u ' "Mr Smith, why the hell are you singing your ailments to me? Can't you r just tell me what's wrong with you?" e "Oh doctor please oh doctor please a Oh please join in this song n For you can see the readers will Think your bits are all wrong" a w "Oh don't be silly Mr Smith. Now look, I've done the blood test, a checked your pulse and blood pressure, weight, height, breathing, and r I've even given you a rectal examination, though that was for my own e personal fun, and I do believe that you've got radiation sickness." h So ol' John Smith went home that day u In quite a damn foul mood m But it didn't really matter anymore a 'Cos late that night he did explood. n ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e not aware, just repl b You have been experiencing yet another Toxic r y e Custard Workshop File. We apologise for any ' y details. i inconvenience, pain, suffering, repression, u l i n disembowelment or disfigurement that this may o s f g have caused. If you'd like to get your little y i , hands on Toxic Custard back-issues, just reply r y to this mail, or mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu , g eht lla ekil d'uo y ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ r o Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen evewoh ,fI .wonk dluohs u -- Daniel Bowen, Monash University,/ I've discovered I have an allergy to Melbourne, Australia------------\ people smoking cigarettes nearby. I daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----/ react violently to the smoke - I hit TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-\ the person who's smoking. _______________________________________________________________________________ Reluctantly Normal Toxic Custard _____ ___ _ _ _ ____ _ _ ___ |_ _| | _| | | | | | ___| | | | | | __| Toxic Custard Workshop Files | | | |_ | | | | | _| | | | | |__ \ Number 115 - 28th September 1992 |_| |___| |_____| |_| |_| |_| |___/ Written by Daniel Bowen THE ADVENTURES OF POPSICLE - THE SPECKLED TRAM Part Seven At the rear-end of our last not-quite-as-thrilling-as-it-could-be and O not-quite-as-final-as-we-wished-it-would-be episode, Inspector h Unnecessary-Violence and Mr Popsicle of the infamously infamous Australian Royal Security Establishment had cornered the nasty-wasty d Reginald Completebastardprick in the suburbs, in the street, in a tram, e in a state of utter terror at the thought of being caught and brought a to Justice. And if Justice had had any idea of the possibility of r meeting Reginald Completebastardprick, she'd have been pretty terrified , about it too. Which just goes to show the dangers of blind dates. The seige between our heroes and the armed and dangerous nasty man t was going pretty seigely, and as we pick up the story and throw it out h the window, the latter has just shouted a bunch of obscenities at our a heroes, to the effect that not only would anyone from a decent t upbringing with a reasonably well-paying job, a house in the suburbs, 3.2 kids and a parrot be mortally offended by the language used and P hence carked (*this is the word the dictionary choked on, any o suggestions as to the spelling are welcome) it on the spot.. not only p to that effect, but also to the other and more interesting effect that s Reginald Completebastardprick was not going to give in without a fight. i He had battled hard to get the position as star villain in this story, c and wouldn't be relinquishing the position easily. It had been l difficult enough getting into the finalists for the position, not to e mention finding out all their addresses and bumping them off one by one so that he had to get the job. p The Inspector and Popsicle considered Completebastardprick's rather u negative and rebellious and villain-like response, and held a quick n two-person conference, debated, considered again and decided c unanimously to take him out. They prepared for several minutes, placing h marksmen at Queen's Knight 4, Queen's Pawn 2 and Kings Rook 1, and then l put the order out on the radios: "Take him out." All the radios were i naturally tuned to COP-FM, the all-new stereo sound sensation of the n airwaves for all law-enforcement personnel. Yes, COP-FM, with which 24 e hours a day, you could be guaranteed to be able to turn on the radio and hear a track by the Police. i The ARSE marksmen (aka the Soggies) were all highly trained, having s got their experience in a large number of seiges and raids, most of them in Redfern. David Gundy, the entire cast and crew of Toxic Custard t #94, JFK, JR, Ronald Reagan, you name it, they'd shot it. So when the e order came to take Completebastardprick out, they were ready. They had r prepared. They had practised several times on the neighbourhood kids. r They moved in, armed and dangerous, on the tram in which R.C was i hiding. And on the count of 4 (because they couldn't count any higher), b they stuck all their collection of bloody dangerous looking guns in his l face and shouted in formation: "Hello Reg! We're the Australian Royal e Security Establishment marksmen, and we'd really like to get to know . you better! Do you fancy a cup of coffee, or a meal, after the story is finished?" B And that's how they took him out. u t T H E E N D (Thank God) n - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e v MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... e Street-theatre. Now I can stand a little theatre now and then. r Shakespeare, Oscar Wilde, all that. But I just don't understand this stupid street-theatre that seems to be stalking our streets these days. m More feared than all the muggers and pickpockets on the planet are the i dreaded women in formation on monocycles holding sparklers and haddock n riding along the footpath. Are you really trying to tell me that half a d dozen men in wetsuits and Reeboks with televisions on their heads . dancing to new age music means something? What message are they trying to get across to the masses? *If* they're making a statement about the H suffering of the homeless youth in the inner cities, why the hell don't e they make a banner and shout about it in front of Parliament House. At l least they'd get their message across. l And what really gets me is that these people are paid for using o public money. I probably paid for one of those television sets, but the , bloke wouldn't even let me tune into A Country Practice when I asked him. It might be okay, but paying for these twats isn't even optional. I I look at my horrendously complicated tax form, and do I see an exemption from street-theatre tax for those who think they're all a w bunch of arty hippy gits? No. o What a waste of money. The other thing that really gets up my nose, n down my throat and into my bowels is these university types who manage d to spend millions upon millions of dollars on those computer network e things, and then use them to send stupid poems, moronic messages, r opinionated opinions and other wastes of space like undergraduate humour, stuff which isn't even funny, all over the world. I saw an w excerpt from one of them the other week, the "Toxic Pudding Working h File", or something. Crap, complete crap. Not a single worthwhile word a can ever have come from the nonentity that wrote it. He'd be more t value to the world if he had his brain surgically removed and put in a bucket. And they wouldn't need a very big bucket, either. t h - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - i s Even the most brilliant and talented individual will occasionally fuck ______ things up completely. In a bureaucracy, it's worse. Hundreds of lowly __/ s and moronic individuals fuck things up more often, making collective_/ q fucking-up far more frequent and disastrous. / u But smaller numbers of people can fuck up things too. Take, for\ i example, the Geelong Football Club... __/ g _______/ g ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ / l This has been another worthless unfunny \ y instalment of the Toxic Pudding Working ________/ File. Back-issues are *still* available, / l so please email for any details which might __/ i possibly (or possibly not) be available. / n Send mail now to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu, or / e reply to this crudfest. _______/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/~~~~~~~~~ i Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen. \ All writs reserved. s -- / Daniel Bowen, Monash University,/ f Melbourne, Australia-----------/ Thou shalt not commit adultery o daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au---\ with thy neighbour's camel. r TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu/ ? _______________________________________________________________________________ To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu -- Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen. All rights reserved. May be copied or reproduced without permission provided this notice remains intact. -- Daniel Francis Bowen | "Life is a bunch of Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | things that lead into ----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| other things." tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |