So have you got a list of rude place name in Australia? Coz if you type “rude place names” into a British search engine u get quite a few sites informing you of the location of Brown Willy in Cornwall (no, really!) or Cock Bridge and Twatt up in Scotland. Type it into an Aussie one and you get nowt! I dunno, maybe your sense of humour isnt as gutter level as ours, or maybe you have better things to do, but Im going to Oz this year and its my lifes ambition to travel round all the places in the world with rude names so any suggestions would be great. Bring em on — Claire

Ah, the time-honoured tradition of rude place names.

Certainly Australia does quite well in the silly place names stakes. We’ve got Bunyip, Nar Nar Goon… Allegedly there is a place called Dunnydoo (NSW), which could go with Innaloo (WA). And of course Poowong (Vic).

But rude place names? Well apparently there is a Middle Intercourse Island (Qld). For sheer manlyness, there’s Iron Knob (Qld SA). There’s Mount Buggery (Vic). And the only other one I can think of right now is the old favourite, Tittybong (Vic).

Can anybody else think of some others?

My husband and I are emigrating next year. I was born in sydney but have been in England for years. we have friends in sydney, melbourne and queensland all who say that that is the best place to live. where is the best place do live? – Laura

Firstly I must apologise to Laura. She first asked this question in September 2004, and I’m only just getting around to answering it. Pretty slack, I know, and it’s probably ancient history by now, but this question floated to the top, so I’ll have a go at it.

It probably depends which of these friends you like the most. Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane (Queensland) are all about 10-12 hours by road/rail from each other (or an hour by plane), so you may not get to visit them all very frequently once you arrive.

The climates vary a fair bit… Brisbane generally warmest, Sydney somewhere in the middle, Melbourne cooler (but by no means never hot). All three are pretty big cities with probably most of the attractions you might want in a city. Considerations might include the type of work one or both of you are doing, and where the best job opportunities are. Or if you’re studying, which prospective institutions cover your chosen field best.
Perhaps the best thing to do when pondering various places to settle is to schedule an initial holiday spending at least a week (minimum) in each, then decide.

Since you grew up there, maybe Sydney, though it may be a long distant memory. It’s in the middle, after all, so all your friends can visit you relatively easily.

If Laura’s still reading, I’d be interested to know where she and her husband ended up, and why.

I work at a golf course in the States as a Beer Girl and some Australian guy called me some name beginning with ‘S’, and what I asked him what it meant he said it’s when a girl is so beautiful, it makes a guys nuts shake. I thought it was hysterical and I’m dying to know what the ‘S’ word is, I can’t remember, please help me! — Leigh, USA

Hmmm. Well it’s probably not slut, slapper, scab, sook or sand-groper, none of which are particularly complimentary. Seppo would be possible, but that refers to you being an American.

No, my money’s on spunk, which Macquarie Dictionary describes as: a good-looking person, male or female, or possibly a variation such as spunk-rat, spunkalicious, or a spunkette.

I’m not sure if these normally prompt nut-shaking, but if he reckons it did, then fair enough.

• ABC wordmap of slang
• Macquarie Dictionary book of slang

Why don’t you come out to our country and find out what the country is realy like and then answer the questions truthfully and then realy let the people know what Ausrralia is realy like. I realy admit there are idiots like yourself who do blow off out of their backsid like you just have but in all there just a real nice type of person to realy know—-can you say that for your fellow countrypersons they must realy be big (((ARESHOLES))) over there where you come from. ((((Is it cuch a Toxic Custard where you come from it must be from what has been said about other countrys)))) — Fraser, apparently in Australia

Wow. Well I’m sorry if you think I’m blowing out of my backsid.

People have accused me of a few things over the years, but never (that I recall) of not being in Australia.

(This is what you’re trying to say, isn’t it? It’d be a little clearer if the spelling and grammar were fixed up, and a bit of work on splitting your rant into separate sentences wouldn’t go astray either. And, you know, you’re not exactly advancing the view of Australians as a sophisticated, intelligent, erudite society.)

Assuming that’s the meaning of this, I should point out that I am an Australian, living in Australia. Located in Melbourne, been here most of my life. I’d look a bit silly doing a web site all about life in Australia if I didn’t live here, wouldn’t I?

As for whether the answers are truthful, well I do try, though I’ll grant you often I can’t resist a little bit of sarcasm along the way. A little good humour never hurt anybody. Well, not much.

Do women commonly swim topless in Australia or is that more of a European thing? — Gregg, USA

I’ve been to Europe a couple of times, but haven’t spent a great deal of time there. Nor am I an expert in it, otherwise this web site might be the Toxic Custard Guide to Europe.

But I do question whether women commonly swimming topless is particularly a European thing. Maybe I just haven’t frequented enough European beaches, nor in the right seasons, but it didn’t appear to me that the average European woman was particularly inclined to head for the seaside to get her kit off.
Most Australian women too prefer not to expose themselves to total strangers. But there are a handful of topless or nude (“Clothes Optional”) beaches dotted around the country.

Bear in mind that if your only reason for knowing is so you can have a bit of a perve, don’t assume you’ll be made welcome.

• Guide to Australia’s nude beaches (legal, and unofficial)
  

Where can I find an explanation of Aussie Rules Football that might be geared toward a clueless American like myself? Specifically, simple rules/objectives, etc. Thanks! — Michelle, USA

Well, how much do you need to know?

The game dates back 1858, the idea being a game that would keep cricketers busy during the winter. Some of the teams have been playing since before 1860 (and boy, are they tired).

The basic aim, as you might expect, is to win the game by having the most points. A goal (6 points) for kicking the ball through the two big goalposts; a behind (1 point) through the smaller posts, or if it’s touched on the way through.

The game is divided into four quarters of about 25 minutes each. The pitch is oval in shape. The ball is oval as well, which makes it bounce in various unpredictable and entertaining ways.

Players wear no padding, and fairly skimpy clothing which the ladies (and some gents) seem to like. Despite the lack of padding, people hardly ever get killed.

• Australian Football League
• WikiPedia: Australian rules football

Do you have buses and trains in Australia? I read somewhere that because it is an island, people don’t use trains or buses, but just fly as it is much easier. Thanks. — Sam, USA

Uhhh… well, no, that’s not true. Australia is not an archipelago. It’s actually one bloody big landmass with a number of smaller islands (and one or two fairly large ones) around it.

Certainly the long distances involved mean that for travelling between major cities, you’re talking distances of 800+ kilometres, which means flying (typically 1-2 hours) is easier and quicker than land transport (12+ hours). Indeed, the Sydney to Melbourne flight corridor is said to be one of the busiest in the world.

But for shorter distances, including within cities, land transport (trains, trams, buses, cars) are the most common ways of getting around. At least, my train to work always seems pretty crowded.

Hi there,

An upgrade to this site is currently in progress, and will be completed soon. In the mean time, a few things (such as leaving comments) may not work. Expect updates soon!

Daniel

Would you review our Aussie English CD for us? – Smoko Software, Australia

Sure would.

There’s no doubt about it, Australian English can be a tad confusing to those from elsewhere. A mob called Smoko Software sent me their Aussie English CD to review. It’s basically a multimedia course for teaching Australian slang, featuring a set of ocker cartoon characters guiding you through the lingo.

Like any language product that’s teaching the quirks of a particular dialect, it’s loaded up to the brim with slang. More-so than most Australians actually use, which could lead the viewer to liberally pepper such terms around when trying to impersonate an Aussie. The idea promoted on their web site that it’ll teach you to talk like Mary Donaldson, for instance, is pretty funny. If she spoke like that, I’m betting there’s no way she’d manage to be elevated to the status of Danish princess. But in terms of reinforcing what words mean and how they’re pronounced, this style of presentation probably gets the job done.

There’s a section on geography, explaining in terms that even someone completely ignorant of the topic could understand, as well as pointing out common mispronunciations of places like Melbourne and Canberra. There’s a mix of short videos and interactive games (I found the barbecue cooking game particularly amusing) to keep the viewer’s interest up.

Commendably, it doesn’t shy away from swearing, the origins of, for instance, “no wucking furries” being explained. This has earned it an M (parental guidance recommended for those under 15 years) classification rating, but really no serious study of Australian English could or should avoid coarse language.

One problem with the CD is that it doesn’t go enough into some regional differences. For instance, it consistently talks about a barbecue “this arvie”. In some parts of the country, the slang for afternoon is “arvie”, but in others it’s “arvo”. They do however list both in the dictionary, and have obviously extensively researched the differences in pub terminology around the country so nobody should have any trouble ordering a beer.

Overall, there’s a lot of stuff in it, and it’s quite amusing. Of limited use to Australians, I would think, unless you are the type who is eternally amused by the vagaries of Australian slang. But those elsewhere in the world who are keen to learn Australian slang for visiting or other purposes would get something out of it. Bonza.

• Aussie English CD – product information, multimedia samples and purchase
• Another review

What is the price of a head of iceberg lettuce in Australia? – Alex, probably USA

Obviously your decision to come and visit us (or even live) in Australia is dependent on the amount of money required for procuring lettuce. Essential information I’m sure.

It comes down to being a seasonal thing. Some days you rock up to the supermarket and you’ll find huge iceberg lettuces at 70 cents. Other days all you’ll find is tiny lettuces at $2. Usually they’re someway in between. That’s just the way it goes.